To the untrained eye, women can appear to be very strange in the way that they behave, think and take action in life; especially when it comes to sex, dating and relationships.
Don’t feel bad about not knowing what I’m about to tell you now, because most guys don’t know what I’m about to reveal here. Even the famous psychologist, Sigmund Freud went to his grave still not knowing what women want. He was quoted as saying:
“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?'” Sigmund Freud Psychologist, 1856-1939.
If someone of that level of intelligence, in terms of psychology, doesn’t know what women want, don’t feel bad about not knowing what I’m about to tell you now.
1. They would rather miss out on being with you than have to lead you
Even if a woman really likes you, she will usually avoid asking you out, showing too much interest or making the first move.
Why?
Leading you through the courtship would place her into the masculine position in your “relationship.” If she is like almost every woman on the planet, she will want to be the feminine one and be able to follow your masculine lead. She wants you to “lead the dance,” so to speak.
Some guys see that type of behavior from women as being strange and will ask me, “Why do women give mixed signals?
Why do they have to play games like that? If she likes me, why doesn’t she just tell me?” What these guys don’t realize is that she is simply trying to be a woman and let him be the man.
She wants to feel attracted to his confidence and masculinity as he leads the way from a conversation, to flirting, kissing, sex and a relationship. She doesn’t want to have to “baby” him or “mother” him through the courtship process.
The same applies to sexual intercourse. Most women want to be with a guy who feels stronger than them, mentally and emotionally. A woman wants to be able to fully surrender her body and mind and open herself up to a more masculine force. She doesn’t want a scared, fearful guy who will not be able to give her that feeling in the bedroom. She wants a guy who has the confidence and wisdom to be the man at all times.
Here is a comment that a woman left on The Modern Man recently:
“I am in this situation right now. I’m not really sure if I want to date my male friend, but I would like him to do more work than me trying to initiate things. Should I just give him lots of space and let him initiate? what if he doesn’t really initiate for FWB (Friends With Benefits) activities unless I do? Does that mean he isn’t into it because i know he does…We’re also co workers…”
Notice how she said, “I would like him to do more work than me trying to initiate things.”
She may not be a dating guru, but as a woman, she instinctively knows what she wants from a man and what is going to “feel right” for her. She has likely been giving that guy obvious signals for months and he is probably wondering whether or not she likes him.
2. They want to be approached, but behave as though they don’t
Have you ever seen women standing around in a bar or nightclub who have gone to a LOT of effort to look beautiful and attract attention, yet they are behaving as though they don’t want ANY attention.
This can seem very strange to a lot of guys, who will look at these women and think, “Why are they so stuck up? Why are they being such bitches?” What a lot of guys don’t realize is that these women DO want to be approached.
However, to screen out the nervous, self-doubting, insecure guys, women will often make themselves appear uninterested and unapproachable.
These type of women are looking for a man who will not be afraid to approach them and say hi, no matter what vibe they are giving off. When a guy does approach, they will still seem unimpressed initially to test his confidence.
If he doesn’t buckle under the pressure and become nervous, the women will slowly open themselves up to him.
Then, when they realize that he is truly confident and masculine, they will become desperate to be with him because they know that it’s next to impossible to find a guy with that level of confidence around women.
It’s a lot easier for us guys to find the type of woman we want.
Our attraction is mostly based on a woman’s looks, so we know almost instantly which women we want to have sex with when we look around a bar, nightclub, party, etc.
However, for women, it’s a lot more difficult to find the right guy. Most guys they meet will not have the type of confidence and masculinity that they are looking for.
3. They say that they want a nice guy, but it isn’t what they really want
No doubt you would have heard a woman say, “I just want a nice guy. I want a guy who cares, listens and is sweet to me.” You would have also heard women refer to men that they are dating as being nice, “Oh, he’s such a nice guy. He’s so sweet.”
You may have also heard that nice guys finish last and that women don’t like nice guys, so what is going on? Here it is…
When a woman says that she wants a “nice” guy, what she’s actually saying is that she wants a guy whom she is attracted to, but who is also a nice guy (or a good guy).
She doesn’t just want a guy who is really nice to her, but doesn’t even make her feel any attraction. The traits that make women attracted to you are things like your confidence, masculinity, ability to make her feel girly, your social intelligence and overall personality.
If you pay attention to what the media says, you may come to believe that a woman’s attraction for a man is all about his looks, height and money.
However, if you pay attention to the real world around you, it will become clear to you that a woman’s attraction is not based purely on a guy’s looks, height and money. If it was based on those superficial things, then 99% of guys wouldn’t have a girlfriend or wife because most guys are not a tall, rich, male model.
Let’s talk about some deeper stuff…
A woman’s core, primal attraction for a man is based on his ability to protect her and help her (and any offspring they may have) survive. Why? For most of human history, a woman needed a man to protect her from being raped or killed and she also needed a man who could provide food and shelter.
It’s only in the last 70 years that attitudes have begun to change towards women in terms of social equality, the ability to work and earn money, voting rights and a fair justice system.
Prior to that, a man was a woman’s protection and safety barrier from the big, bad world around her, so a woman’s attraction to a man who can keep her safe and help her survive is pretty much engrained into her instincts.
Although today’s world is much safer for a woman and she can now earn her own money, she will has an instinctive attraction to a man who seems like he would do a better job at keeping her safe and helping her to survive.
Where a lot of “nice guys” go wrong with women is in thinking that when a woman says, “I want a nice guy” she means a really nice, polite, sweet guy who puts her needs ahead of his own. The guy then treats her in the nicest, most polite, innocent, friendly way that he can, only to find that she isn’t interested.
What women really mean though is a guy who is confident, masculine, socially intelligent as well as being a nice (or good) guy.
If that is true, then why do women hook up with jerks or bad boys? For the same reasons why you jerk off to porn online. You’d most-likely want your girlfriend or wife to be a beautiful, intelligent, down to Earth, trustworthy, loyal woman with good morals and values, right?
However, you jerk off to sluts when you watch porn. True?
How that relates to women hooking up with bad boys and jerks is that those men are usually very confident and masculine.
Even though the woman knows that the bad boy or jerk isn’t the best choice for a boyfriend or husband, she can’t help enjoying the feelings of attraction that she experiences with him.
She would rather be with a very confident, masculine GOOD guy, but those guys are usually already taken. The same applies to your attraction to women. You would most-likely want a nice girl for a girlfriend, but you can’t help but feel attracted to strippers and pornstars.
4. They say that they want a good looking guy, but then they date, have sex with and even marry average looking, below average looking or “ugly” men
Adrian Lima with her husband Marko Jaric
Marko Jaric (Adriana Lima’s husband) doesn’t look like a male model, but he is married to a supermodel.
His eyes are very close together, which means scientific research about physical attraction would suggest he isn’t good looking. Why is she with him then? Some may say it is because he is a basketball player. Well, she could have picked other basketball players. Why him?
A lot of guys who see a beautiful woman with an “ugly” guy, an unattractive guy or a below average looking guy think to themselves, “HOW did he get her? What’s going on there? Why is she with him? What am I lacking that he’s got?”
To the untrained eye, that type of “Beauty and the Beast” match up can seen very strange.
We’re told in the media that it’s all about being good looking, tall and having six pack abs, but that is wrong. The truth is that women feel attracted to guys who are confident, masculine and who can make them feel girly and feminine.
When I refer to making a woman feel girly, I’m not talking about disrespecting a woman’s maturity or intelligence and treating her like she’s a naive little girl. What I am saying is that she feels girly and feminine in response to your masculinity.
5. They say that they want a confident guy, but tease you if you behave too confidently
For a guy who doesn’t understand women, this behavior will seem very strange and weird. Women are saying that they want a confident guy, women are attracted to confident men, but when a man behaves too confidently and has a lot of self-belief around women, they will often tease him and put him down. Why?
Simple: They are testing to see how confident he really is.
If the guy buckles under pressure, becomes nervous or apologizes for being so confident, then the women know that it was just an act and he’s really not that confident.
Additionally, if a woman is able to dominate a guy like that during a simple interaction, it is a huge turn off for her sexually. A guy like that is not going to be able to be the man that she wants and needs in the bedroom and in a relationship.
6. They behave as though they are too beautiful for a guy like you, but they are insecure about their looks
Something that is really surprising to a lot of guys, is that most women don’t think that they’re beautiful.
A great piece of research to back this up was Dove’s Global Survey on Beauty. They found that 96% of women don’t consider themselves to be beautiful.
Prior to seeing the results of the Dove study, I already knew that women were insecure and was using that knowledge (that I had gained from approaching and having sex with so many women) to feel even more confident about myself when interacting with women.
The more confident I became, the more that women liked me and the easier it became to sleep with very beautiful women. We men are lucky that women find our confidence so attractive to women. If it was about looking like a male model, most guys would simply get rejected.
When you’re out there meeting women, you will notice that many women will act as though they are too beautiful for a guy like you, but guess what?
Deep down, she is insecure about her looks.
I’ve asked this question to my beautiful female friends and some ex-girlfriends.
Even though they are all sexy, pretty women, they each have one or a few things about themselves that they claim makes them “ugly.”
They say things like, “I hate my nose. If I had a nose like Megan Fox, then I’d be beautiful, but I’m just average” or “I hate my ears. They make me look like a monkey. I’m not beautiful and I know it.”
Yet, if you met any of these women out on the town, they would behave as though they are so damn beautiful and way too hard to get for a guy like you. Why? Two main reasons:
- She is trying to cover up her lack of confidence by behaving like she is very confident.
- She is testing to see if you will be scared away by that level of confidence from a woman. If so, you’re not strong enough for her.
7. They pretend to be offended when a guy shows sexual interest, but they actually need it
What a lot of guys don’t realize is that most women need you to show your sexual interest in them, in order to feel turned on and to open themselves up to being sexually seduced by you.
Since most women don’t consider themselves to be beautiful, they aren’t sure how sexy they really are to men.
So, when a man comes along and shows sexual interest in her (in the right way), she gets excited. She’s happy and very flattered to be appreciated in that way. It’s a huge moment for her and she suddenly starts thinking sexual thoughts and feeling turned on.
However, to test a guy’s confidence, she will usually pretend to be offended at his sexual interest in her. If the guy gets nervous, apologizes or appears rejected, then she knows that he isn’t a strong enough man (mentally and emotionally) for a woman like her.
In the movies, you will see a man getting slapped, having a drink tipped over his head or humiliated for showing sexual interest in a woman he likes. However, in the real world where most women are insecure about their looks, they actually need it and welcome it.
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Hey Dan,
I’ve had huge changes to my personality over the past few months that even my own friends have noticed that I’ve gone from a shy guy to a confident man.
My only problem is knowing how to show sexual interest correctly. My methods are quite clunky and they work at times, but mostly at parties when either I or the girl I’m flirting with/hitting on is a little drunk. I don’t care for that. I’d rather meet a nice girl in a coffee shop or bookstore with all my mental faculties. PLUS I’ve also found I no longer need to be drunk to attract women and neither do they. It’s freaking amazing!!
Do you have any pointers?
Hey PN
Great to hear about your progress.
From there, you need to start being more honest about your sexual attraction for women. When you meet a woman and are talking to her, smile, be honest and say, “You know what? You’re sexy. I like you” and watch what happens. What will happen? If you have already made her feel attracted to you prior to saying that (i.e. by being confident, masculine, etc) then her eyes will light up and she be excited. She will smile, giggle and feel girly around you.
Making a woman feel girly in your presence is one of the keys to getting her to feel sexual attraction for you. Watch this: http://www.themodernman.com/sex-advice/how-to-be-sexually-attractive-to-women.html
Cheers
Dan
Thanks Dan I’ll keep at it!
This seems to all boil down to me as a man having authentic confidence and masculinity. Being bold and brave enough to go after what I want even though there is a chance I won’t get it.
Hey Lee
Yes, you are correct. Well said.
However, when you know what to say and do around women, you will find that all of your nights out on the town end up back in bed with a new woman (if you want to) or at least with plenty of kisses and phone numbers to follow up on.
When you start out approaching women, the success rate is a little hit and miss, but when you begin to master the skills that are required to successfully pick up women (we teach that here at The Modern Man), it becomes too easy. Most guys will never know this stuff, so almost every guy a woman meets prior to you will ruin his opportunity with her. As a lot of our customers say, “It’s scary how well it works” because picking up women is actually one of the easiest things to do in life when you know what you’re doing. It’s also one of the most exciting, rewarding things to do as a man.
Most guys simply accept whatever they can get with women, which is one of the reasons why the divorce rate is so high out there. Guys try to “make it work” with women who aren’t even that compatible with them. However, when you have your choice with women and choose the perfect woman for you, the relationship works with hardly any effort from both of you. You’re happy and excited to see each other every day, which is much better than waking up to realize that you’re with a woman who you’re not even proud to be with.
Cheers
Dan
Excellent! Very helpful
Dan,
What’s the best way to calm women down when they get nervous around me? They usually seem to be so nervous and can’t control their anxiety. I observe things like shortness of breath, speech impairment, uncoordinated movement, having a dazed look on their faces, once I actually saw a girl’s hands literally shaking, you could see nervousness all over her. Just last week I was spending time with this one girl, just having a regular relaxed conversation while eating and she was so nervous she was eating so fast it literally freaked me out, even in bed she was such a nervous wreak I had to shut things down and call it a night lol. I have tried telling them to relax, or compliment them on something about them sometimes, not sure if it works. So I turn to you if you have any ideas or if this are normal experiences. Kind of reminds me of how I was when I was hopeless with women, and how they could smell the nerves all over me.
P.S love the new improvements to the website.
Hey Tosin
Lol…
I always have to laugh when I see comments from you, because you’re at such a high level of skill with women. The experiences you have with women are unimaginable for a lot of guys. The attraction you’d be making women feel is exactly what I talk about here at The Modern Man. It’s beautiful. When you realize that you have that type of power over women, the world looks like a completely different place. It’s like living in a different reality to everyone else. Nice work man.
About how to help women feel more confident around you: I know that you’ve said you’re already giving them compliments, but try these sorts of compliments:
1. Sex appeal and like-ability: Let her know that you find her sexy and also like her. “You know what? You’re sexy. I like you.”
2. Personality: Let her know that you like her personality. “When I first saw you, I thought – now THAT is a sexy bitch, but as I’ve gotten to know you, I’ve seen that you’re even more beautiful in other ways. How many guys are lining up to be with you? You must have like 50 guys waiting and hoping to get a chance with you, right?”
Another thing you can do is address her nervousness directly. Talk about it in an easy-going, light-hearted way. When you notice a girl shaking in your presence, laugh, smile and say, “Huh? 🙂 Am I making you nervous? You’re too cute” and then smoothly change the subject to something else after she has a laugh.
However, you can only ever “help” a woman feel more comfortable – it’s difficult to fix. If a woman feels as though she’d be very lucky to be with you, then she will usually get nervous and insecure around you. The best medicine for that is always kissing and sex. After that, she will be a lot more relaxed and sure of herself.
Cheers
Dan
Thanks Dan,
Hey I was wondering since you are at such a high level of mastery with women , do you still get tests from women(in particular your current girlfriend). If so which kinds of tests does she usually throw at you? Reason I ask is because I still get tests from women, even when their attraction to me is not in doubt. The most common one I get is a sudden/drastic withdrawal of affection just to see if I get panicky I guess. So want to know if continual tests are a norm?
Hey Tosin
I sure do mate. My girlfriend tests me ALL the time. It never ends. Why? Testing your confidence and masculinity and seeing it come back as strong and powerful allows her to continue feeling respect and attraction for you. It is a woman’s natural instinct to do it. Over time, her respect and attraction for you deepens as she compares you to other men that she interacts with or with the boyfriends/husbands of her friends.
My GF has said on a number of occasions that she would be mad to ever break up with me. To roughly quote her, “There’s no point being with another guy. I would never be able to find another guy like you.”
As explained in Better Than a Bad Boy, you should be grateful for the tests. Have that mindset rather than being annoyed by it and feeling as though she doesn’t need to test a guy like you. Also, give mixed reactions to the tests, as explained in Better Than a Bad Boy.
Cheers
Dan
Yeah Dan,
I actually don’t get annoyed these days when they test(used to in the past) . Now I kind of see it as a confirmation of their attraction to me and an opportunity for me to further deepen the attraction.
Tosin
Nice.
I am happy to see a Nigerian on this site,Tosin, let hook up, I am from Lag. Thanks to you Dan for such a wonderful site. Kudos to you
Hey Gbenga
Welcome to The Modern Man!
Cheers
Dan
so the way dating and relationships, sex works is that the woman is just along for the ride, the man literally does all of the work? since that is what it sounds like since the man has to always take the lead, do the leading
Hi George
Yes.
However, would you like a woman to lead you through the courtship? Would you like her to “be the man” and approach you, pick you up and then take care of you? Would you like women to be the men in this world?
If your answer is yes, then you still have the mindset of a boy who looks at women like a boy looks at his mother. That’s fine if you want to be that way (each to their own), but most women won’t like you. Most women want to be with a guy who has a masculine approach to life. Why? Read this: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/do-men-need-toughening-up.html
I don’t blame you for thinking the way you do. A guy who doesn’t understand the behavior of women will usually look to blame women for his lack of success with them. He will see women as selfish, stupid and confused when they are simply just playing their natural role in the human mating dance. Read this and you will understand: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/do-men-need-toughening-up.html
Cheers
Dan
well I kinda more meant that in a relationship, the man does all the work, the woman does nothing or does little to contribute to the relationship, since the man is always doing the leading, basically metaphorically speaking the woman is a passenger while the man is a limo driver, and another way of putting it, is the man supposed to basically “father” to the woman? do women naturally look at men like the way women look at their fathers? is a boyfriend or husband supposed to be like a womans second father?
Hi George
Thanks for your questions.
Women not doing anything: That is false. If you have set up the relationship correctly, the woman will happily cook and clean for you. She will be your biggest cheerleader and supporter when it comes to achieving your purpose as a man. She will challenge your masculinity just when you think you have it all worked out and will force you to grow and become even stronger as a man. She will work if you can’t provide enough money. She will work if you are too sick to work and earn money. She will take care of you, love you and be there for you. If you have set up the relationship dynamic correctly, she will do whatever it takes to make you happy and keep the relationship together for life.
Fathering a woman: Not at all. Yes, some women want a daddy, but most women want a man that they can look up to. Most women do not appreciate being talked down to like they are a naive child. You have to respect your woman as an equal, but always remain the more dominant one. You have to maintain a woman’s respect for you throughout the relationship. If you’re not enough of a man for her, she will naturally lose respect for you. Read: http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/why-women-lose-respect-for-men.html
Cheers
Dan
I wonder, do we men, Dan, ever test women? do we ever subconsciously or unconsciously test women and we do not realize we are doing it? because I was reading about how women test men, that it is a womans natural role to always be testing her man and often times, usually she is testing him and she doesn’t realize she is actually testing him, it’s something beyond her control, anyway, is it ever that way the other way around? do we men ever test women? because maybe I have tested women before and I did not realize it
Hey George
Thanks for your question.
Not in the same way that women test men. Women test to determine a man’s level of confidence, masculinity and social intelligence. The higher his levels of confidence, masculinity and social intelligence are, the more than women will feel attracted to him.
The same doesn’t apply to our attraction for women. We don’t need women to be confident, masculine or intelligent in anyway to want to have sex with them. We feel attraction to women for different reasons than they feel attraction to us.
Personally speaking, the tests I put women through are for personality and character. I choose women based on looks to begin with and then assess their personality and character to see if it meets my standards. If you are testing women in that way, they try to impress you and be accepted by you…that is, as long as you are making them feel attraction at the same time.
Cheers
Dan
Hey Dan,
Above, you quoted a women for saying:
“I am in this situation right now. I’m not really sure if I want to date my male friend, but I would like him to do more work than me trying to initiate things. Should I just give him lots of space and let him initiate? what if he doesn’t really initiate for FWB (Friends With Benefits) activities unless I do? Does that mean he isn’t into it because i know he does…We’re also co workers…”
“”Notice how she said, “I would like him to do more work than me trying to initiate things.” She may not be a dating guru like me, but she instinctively knows what she wants from a man and what is going to “feel right” for her.””
I was thinking, perhaps this is the reason why women don’t really like to initiate sex in relationships or marriages, even though they want it? It is because they would rather prefer the man to do it so they can feel more attraction to his ability to take action and lead???
Just a thought…..
Hi Andrew
Yes, that is correct. However, not all women think and behave in the exact same way, so it’s not a hard and fast rule.
Some women have a high sex drive and don’t care if the man is initiating or not – they are horny and want it now. Case in point: My ex girlfriend who used to get naked and bend over the couch and wait for me to walk into the lounge room. Since she was so sexy, I wouldn’t be able to ignore it and would just give it to her, even if I was too tired.
My current girlfriend is more turned on when I initiate. She initiates, but much prefers when I do.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
As a man in my 50’s, I am coming from a different perspective. (I read The Flow). I have a long-time friend – also in her 50’s – who I became more interested in last year. She was going through a divorce and we had some similar relationship stories. Things changed at lunch one day where we had ‘a moment’ that was pretty exposing of her innermost feelings. Being more introverted, she was resistant and I made the error of telling her my intentions rather than just acting on them. She said the whole ‘I like you as a friend/I’m not looking for anyone/we’re in different places’ but still I remained engaged. A couple of months later after lunch, we had our first kiss. Since then, she has tried to keep me at arms length, knowing any interaction could escalate so she’s been distant. I am going on with my life but occasionally I try to engage her to no avail. She sends out signals to me but can’t seem to say ‘yes’ to my varied invites. Her actions remind me of some of the examples in your post. Any insight on how to flip her attraction switch to get her to a one-on-one setting without coming across as chasing her?
Thank you!
Hey Mike
Thanks for your question.
Yes, you need to laugh at her for being so serious about it and make light of the situation between you. Tell her that you’re both mature enough to be able to handle a bit of fun and for her not to worry so much and just enjoy life and the moment.
BTW: If she is saying that to you, it’s possible that you’ve been coming on too strong with a relationship vibe, whereas she just wants to have a bit of fun and see how she feels. Try to get her to see (via your body language, vibe, attitude, conversation style) that you respect her, find her sexy and enjoy being around her, but you’re not expecting that you and her need to make a decision and get into a relationship.
Keep it more casual and flirtatious and just let things happen without the pressure of what a hook up might mean.
I would recommend that you stop talking about your relationship history together and just flirt, joke around, have a laugh, chit chat and generally try to feel good and smile around each other. Don’t make it any more serious than that.
Cheers
Dan