If your marriage has temporarily ended and you want to get it back together, keep the following 11 tips in mind:
1. The time for a new approach to her is now
If your marriage has broken up, it’s usually because the approach a husband has been using with his wife hasn’t worked out.
It may have been okay at the start of the relationship or marriage, but at the end of the day, it didn’t produce the kind of love and happiness they were both seeking.
For example: A flawed approach that a man will sometimes use in a relationship, is to be nice and agreeable most, or even all of the time.
He assumes that being nice and agreeable will make his wife happy and reduce the risk of them arguing or fighting (i.e. because he is being good to her and she is consistently getting what she wants).
Yet, neither of them were happy with that kind of dynamic in the relationship.
Why?
His (nice guy) approach didn’t motivate her to put in the effort to please him.
Instead, she assumed he would accept anything from her just to keep the peace.
As a result, she started to feel like the boss, the leader, or the most valuable one in the relationship, which she didn’t want.
Secretly, she wanted him to make her feel as though she was lucky to have him, while also being treated well by him.
On the other hand, he felt like nothing was ever good enough for her and as though she was being ungrateful and selfish (i.e. because he did so much for her, always treated her well and had her best interests at heart).
The marriage then ended in a separation.
To get the marriage back together, the husband will need to use a new approach, which creates a new, more attractive relationship dynamic.
Here are a couple of examples:
- He’s good to his wife and treats her well, but isn’t a pushover anymore. Instead, he stands up to her in a dominant, but loving way if she is being disrespectful, or when he feels she’s taking advantage of him.
- He’s not afraid to be playful and flirtatious around her so she starts to feel like a sexy, desirable woman with him, rather than treating her like she’s a buddy.
In the same way, change your approach to attraction with your wife and she will naturally feel more motivated to get the marriage back together again.
2. Don’t be afraid to change or adjust some of the subtle things that have been turning her off
Sometimes a husband might fear that if he changes something his wife has been nagging him about for years she might start nagging about other things and he will lose control.
For example: He stops hanging out with some of his friends who drink too much alcohol, smoke weed, or are irresponsible and influence him in a negative way.
She then notices that he’s done this, approves and then expects him to change other things as well (e.g. get a better job, take a more active role around the house and start fixing things, be more romantic like her friends’ husbands).
The more he changes for her, the more power she has over him until in the end, he stops feeling like his own man.
He’s now just a puppet who does what she says.
Yet, that’s not what a woman wants.
She doesn’t want a “Yes” man.
In fact, having too much power over a man can cause a woman to lose attraction for him and have even more incentive to stay broken up/divorced.
So, don’t be afraid to change some subtle things about yourself (e.g. becoming more emotionally independent and having your own goals/interests/friendships, getting control of your emotions and no longer becoming upset/angry/unsettled when she isn’t being nice to you).
However, don’t do it to please your wife, do it because it’s what you want and because it makes you a better man.
3. Be man enough to apologize for your part in the breakdown of the marriage
It’s not weak to apologize for any mistakes that you made in the marriage.
However, that doesn’t mean you should take all the blame, or point out the things that you blame her for.
Instead, just take responsibility for things that you feel you need to apologize for, while continuing to be a good man to her.
Make it clear to her that no one is perfect in a relationship and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes, even her.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you should be nasty towards her, or point out her mistakes one by one.
Just say that in a general way, while taking responsibility for yourself.
Lead the way with that approach, so she feels comfortable opening up and admitting that she made some mistakes too.
When you are both willing to admit your mistakes and forgive each other, it helps rebuild the trust, respect and love between you.
It then becomes possible to get the marriage back together.
4. Let her sense that things really could be different
There’s a big difference between a guy who talks about how things could be different someday if he gets another chance with his wife vs. a guy who acts, talks, behaves and responds differently to her right now.
The difference is, it makes her more likely to want to give him another chance because she has proof that he has changed in some of the ways that are important to her.
So, show your wife that things would be different, don’t tell her they will.
One of the ways you can do that is by responding differently to what she says or does.
For example: Imagine you are having a conversation together and she says something that would ordinarily annoy you.
Remember: She will likely do it on purpose to test you and see how you react.
So, rather than get upset like you used to in the past, you remain calm and relaxed.
You then use humor to defuse the situation and make her laugh and smile.
Naturally, when you do that it makes her curious because she can sense that you’re different now.
As a result, she can’t stop herself from dropping her guard a little bit.
She wants to see what else is different and if you can have a better relationship this time around.
5. Be prepared for her to play hard to get, or pretend that it’s just all too difficult
It’s a test to see how he will react and behave.
For example:
- Will he maintain his confidence?
- Will he persevere or give up on the idea of getting the marriage back together?
- Will he lose control of his emotions?
Depending on how he reacts and responds, she will either open up to the idea of getting the marriage back together, or continue moving on without him.
So, make sure you are prepared to pass her test.
Some guys aren’t ready for it and end up losing confidence at that point.
Alternatively, they get annoyed, irritated, frustrated or beg and plead with her to change her mind.
Yet, that behavior puts her off even more and convinces her that the marriage is beyond saving.
6. Remember that relationships are always a work in progress
Even when things are going well and all boxes are checked, there will sometimes be new challenges to face.
For example: A couple will likely experience some of the following problems throughout their marriage together…
- Financial problems and in some extreme cases, even being broke, or losing their car or home.
- Having children and potentially going through a difficult pregnancy and birth where the wife is always tired or even bedridden. As a result, the husband has to do almost all of the housework while still maintaining a job. Alternatively, their sex life grinds to a halt for many months while they try to cope.
- One person becomes ill and needs constant care and attention.
- Someone in their family dies and they need to deal with the emotions of pain and loss.
These are all things that can either bring a couple closer together, or rip them apart.
So, don’t be put off if everything doesn’t flow perfectly all the time.
Your relationship with your wife will always have ups and downs.
The lesson is to learn to handle those tough times in a way that brings you closer together, rather than push you apart.
7. Avoid opening old wounds
For a marriage to break up means that both the husband and wife will have lists of reasons, resentments and cause to blame the other person for what happened.
Yet, to get that marriage back together they both have to be willing to forgive and forget.
However, don’t expect your wife to lead the way.
You have to be the courageous one and take the lead regardless of what happened or how much she is to blame.
In other words, don’t throw her past mistakes in her face regardless of how tempting it might be (e.g. when she’s sitting there shouting at you and pointing out all your mistakes and faults).
Even if you have good reason to point out something that she said or did which hurt you, now is not the time to bring it up.
For now, the best approach is to start creating new, happy memories based on who you and your wife are in the present moment (e.g. more mature, experienced with relationships, wise, forgiving, have learned from your past mistakes).
When you focus on the present rather than digging up the past, she realizes that a relationship with you would feel so much better than it did before.
8. Assume the best about her
Perceive her in a positive light no matter how she behaved in the past, or even how she acts or talks to you right now.
Regardless of how tempting it might sometimes be to say, “You always do that,” or “This behavior is so typical of you and is one of the reasons that our marriage broke up,” don’t do it.
Instead, focus on looking at her with fresh eyes.
However, don’t expect her to be able to do the same with you right away.
Just lead the way with a positive attitude, so that over time she will pick up on it and begin to copy it.
Remember: It’s always better to assume the best about a spouse if you want to build a healthy and happy marriage.
If you think the worst of her, you will only create negative feelings like resentment, anger and disappointment which will poison the marriage and lead to a permanent breakup.
9. Let her sense that she can be her real self around you now
Sometimes a husband might try to get his wife to think, feel, behave and act in certain ways around him, which goes against her natural way of being.
For example: He might…
- Push her to dress a certain way (e.g. more casual/sexy/formal) than she feels comfortable with.
- Expect her to take on all the responsibilities at home (e.g. cook, clean, pick up after the both of them) because he believes in the traditional roles of a man and a woman. Yet, even though she’s happy to do most of the housework, she feels as though he’s not allowing her to expand in other areas in her life (e.g. get a job, put more effort into her career).
- Tease or mock her when she says something that he doesn’t agree with, so she starts to keep her opinions and even her dreams and aspirations to herself.
So, if he now allows her to express herself when she’s with him in the ways that make her happy, it automatically changes how she feels about him.
She wants to give him another chance because it feels refreshing, enjoyable and makes her happy to be in a relationship where she can truly be herself and not worry about being negatively judged by the other person.
10. Surprise her by attracting her in new ways
For example: Rather than try to be romantic in the usual ways (e.g. buying her flowers or gifts, arranging romantic dinners), surprise her by doing something she’s always wanted to do before but never got the chance (e.g. take her hand-gliding, arrange private dancing/cooking lessons for the two of you).
It’s not about what you do, but rather about showing her that you understand what she really wants and are now able to make that happen.
Another surprising new way to attract her is by changing the dynamic between you and her.
For example: Rather than being the nice, sweet, agreeable guy who puts his own needs last in order to please her that you’ve always been, you now put up a bit of resistance.
That doesn’t mean you’re disagreeable or intentionally annoying.
Instead, you stand up to her in a loving way so that she doesn’t take you for granted (e.g. she pretends to be annoyed with you and expects you to suck up to her, but you lovingly laugh and tease her instead).
11. Bring back feelings of warmth and romantic love with an attracted hug
When you make your wife feel attracted again during interactions and then give her a hug, the hug feels amazing for both of you.
It’s also a welcome hug, rather than a reluctant, repulsive hug that she wants to get away from.
So, be sure to make her feel attracted first and then hug her for the best effect.
Research shows that a proper, deep hug provides some of the following benefits:
- It builds trust and a sense of safety, which helps open the lines of communication.
- Hugging boosts oxytocin levels, which help in healing some negative feelings such as anger, resentment, loneliness and so on more.
- Hugging makes a person feel safe and loved and also boosts self-esteem.
- Hugging relaxes the muscles by releasing tension in the body.
- When two people hug it makes them more mindful and aware of the current situation and by being present in the moment, they experience happiness.
On the other hand, if you attempt to hug your wife before re-attracting her, it can result in more anger, resentment and negative feelings if she pulls away and rejects you.
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