Many couples call off an engagement after an argument, or issue that comes up in the relationship.
Yet, it doesn’t always have to mean that it’s over forever.
In many cases, couples are able to reconcile and get back on track to a happy engagement, marriage and life together.
So, here are 11 tips to help you get your ex back after a cancelled engagement:
1. Understand what has been missing from the attraction experience for her
Most women want to be with a good man who is confident and believes in himself no matter how she behaves.
A man who chooses her and makes her feel feminine, girly and desired, but who also motivates her to be a good, loving woman to him, because if she isn’t he can easily replace her.
That is the kind of wholesome attraction experience that most women want in a relationship.
Yet, in most cases, what a woman ends up experiencing is the opposite of that.
For example: She might initially get a guy who appears confident, but over time, the insecurities he’s been suppressing come to the surface and he becomes needy, clingy, jealous or controlling.
Alternatively, he starts off being the more dominant one in the relationship and then gradually takes a back seat and lets her make the decisions and handle the responsibilities.
From his point of view he’s trying to make her happy (i.e. if she gets what she wants then she will be happy).
Yet, that’s not the kind of relationship dynamic that motivates a woman to respect her man.
So, if you want to get back together after calling off your engagement, you need to understand what aspect of the attraction experience was missing with your ex fiancé.
If you’re not sure how to figure that out, ask yourself…
Was my relationship missing any of the following?
- Did I approach the relationship in a way that made her want to be a good, loving woman to me, or did she feel like she could be indifferent or disrespectful towards me and I would just put up with it?
- Did I make her feel like a hot, sexy woman, or did she feel more like a friend, housemate, or worse, my caretaker (i.e. she took care of the cooking, cleaning, organizing, planning)?
- Was I manly and emotionally strong with her, or was I a bit too soft and docile around her to the point where she felt like the more emotionally strong and dominant one?
- Was I consistently confident and self-assured around her, or did I gradually become insecure and unsure of myself when she was being moody or closed off towards me?
If you can’t offer her the kind of attraction experience she wants in a relationship, she simply won’t feel compelled to commit to a marriage or even a relationship with you.
2. Get your life back into balance
Many women will call off an engagement with a guy who doesn’t have his life in order.
That can be different things for each couple.
For example: Some things that indicate a man’s life is out of balance can be…
- He doesn’t have a purpose, goals or dreams that he’s working towards and pursuing. Instead, he’s just drifting through life and hoping one day everything will “just work out” for him and by association, his woman.
- He drinks too much, smokes weed too much, or has some other dependence. He might not be an addict, but he also can’t go a day without that thing.
- He plays video games too much. He uses it as a distraction to avoid facing life and just loses himself in an imaginary world like a child would.
- He works too much and doesn’t give her enough time. This makes her wonder how things will be a few years down the line when the thrill of being newly married wears off. Will he ever be home for her and their children, or will she end up raising a family mostly alone with him just providing financial support but no emotional support?
- He constantly breaks his promises to her and then makes excuses to cover his tracks.
- He puts way too much focus on her and she worries that he will eventually become obsessive.
- He’s going through therapy and needs her support to help him cope.
Here’s the thing…
Most women will only want to commit to a ready made man, or a man who can continue becoming a better man (without the need for her help, support or guidance).
So, if a guy doesn’t have his life together, he’s not going to appeal to a woman in the long term.
She might really love him and even agree to marry him, but it will eventually dawn on her that she doesn’t want to take on the responsibility for his development as a man.
3. Improve your ability to communicate effectively with her
For example: Imagine your ex disagrees with something you say or do.
Ineffective communication in a situation like that would be…
- Not really listening to what she’s saying and instead being defensive or interrupting her with arguments.
- Just giving in to what she’s saying to avoid an argument, even when she’s wrong or out of line.
- Talking down to her and saying, “That’s so stupid,” or, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
- Behaving in ways that show contempt or a lack of consideration, or on the opposite end of the scale, desperation and too much consideration of her feelings.
- Being unnecessarily argumentative, or too much of a pushover.
On the other hand, effective communication in a situation like that would be…
- Being patient, not interrupting and just listening to what she has to say, even if you don’t agree with her opinion in that moment.
- Asking thoughtful, considerate questions in a relaxed, easy going manner, rather than attacking her opinion (e.g. “Why do you think that?” or “Why does that make you feel upset/angry/frustrated?”)
- Being willing to accept that you could be wrong, but not just giving in to her simply to keep the peace.
4. Know that there will be people in her life who are for and against you
Inevitably, certain friends and family members will be against you, because in their mind you already hurt her once, so what stops you from doing it again.
So, even if she’s open to interacting with you again to see what happens, it’s likely those people will actively be discouraging her from following through on that.
That can make her feel pressured to remain broken up, especially if the people who are against you are important to her (e.g. her parents, siblings or best friend).
So, you may have to overcome that.
However, not by putting your ex fiancé in the difficult position where she has to choose between them or you.
Instead, you just need to focus on re-attracting her and creating a new, happier relationship dynamic (e.g. you make her feel loved, appreciated and cherished, but also motivate her to be a good, adoring woman to you).
If her friends and family really love her they will naturally want the best for her.
So, when they see that you are now a new man and make her feel happy in a deeper, more enduring way, they will automatically stop being so resistant towards you.
Yes, some might still be cold and distant, but if you continue creating the kind of relationship that makes her happy, most people will eventually thaw and accept you again.
5. Prepare yourself for the possibility that she may play hard to get initially, even if she is interested
Some reasons why an ex fiancé might do that are because…
- She doesn’t want to make it obvious that he has a chance with her because she’s embarrassed about looking desperate, needy, lonely, or emotionally immature to all her friends and family after calling off their engagement.
- She misses him, but she still doesn’t believe that he can give her the attraction experience she really wants in the long term (i.e. after they’ve been married for several years or when they have the added responsibility of taking care of children).
- She’s afraid that he might make her fall in love with him again and then dump her to get revenge on her for calling off their engagement.
- She doesn’t want to make it easy for him to get her back. She first wants to see if he has changed in some of the ways that are important to her and then has the confidence to pursue her without her help and reassurance.
6. Understand that marriage isn’t just about loving each other
Marriage only works in the long run if the relationship functions properly and the couple grows and becomes stronger, closer and more committed to each other over time.
Feelings of love can temporarily increase and decrease.
For example: Love will increase when…
- The relationship dynamic is balanced in a way that brings out the best in both the man and the woman (i.e. he is loving and devoted to her, but doesn’t accept being pushed around or disrespected by her. As a result, she feels motivated to give him her respect and love, because he’s being a real man).
- They have a big goal or dream in life that they’re working towards achieving together.
- They feel more and more respect for each other over time, based on who they are becoming together in the relationship and as individuals.
- They feel like life is getting better together, rather than getting worse.
- They both feel happy and hopeful about a future together, rather than stressed and unsure.
On the other hand, love will decrease when a man and a woman feel misunderstood, unheard or like the relationship is stuck, without the promise of a better future together.
In some cases, the love can feel like it’s gone (e.g. when a couple stops communicating, focuses more on the negatives than on the positives in the relationship).
So, if a relationship doesn’t have a solid foundation (i.e. the things that increase love) just loving the other person won’t be enough to keep it together.
Eventually, it will break apart (i.e. break up, separate, or divorce).
7. Quickly level up your ability to attract her and bring the love back
Leveling up your ability to attract her means…
- There is mutual attraction and desire to impress each other now, rather than you sucking up to her and her not feeling motivated to treat you well and be a good woman in return.
- You man up and show her that you’re emotionally stronger now, but still loving and respectful (i.e. you don’t lose control of your emotions regardless of what she says, does or how she behaves).
- You make her feel turned on and aroused by way of your flirting and manly behavior, rather than making her feel neutral, non-sexual feelings by acting like a buddy, or housemate.
Leveling up in ways that are important to her automatically gets a woman’s attention.
It makes her realize that her feelings for you aren’t dead and if she permanently walks away now, she could end up regretting it years down the line, if she couldn’t find a good enough man to settle down with and marry.
Important: Leveling up doesn’t have to take many weeks or months.
In fact, it’s a mistake to wait longer than a week to get that done and reach out to your ex fiancé.
Some reasons why might be…
- She starts focusing on the reasons she called off the engagement (e.g. he was too insecure and needy, he made her feel unappreciated, he didn’t know how to handle her tantrums), rather than on missing him.
- She starts pushing herself to get over any residual feelings she still has for him.
- She goes out with her single friends and potentially flirts or even hooks up with other men to make herself feel better.
8. Reach out to her and re-attract her
You can break the ice with her initially by sending a confident, charismatic text.
However, from there it’s important to get her on a call (audio or video) so you can begin re-sparking her sexual and romantic feelings again.
Remember: Hiding behind texts results in so many guys losing out on getting an ex girlfriend or fiancé back, because she gets bored with the endless and pointless texting back and forth.
She either stops responding or even blocks him, or she continues texting, but focuses on moving on behind his back with someone else.
So, getting to a phone call is very important.
From there, use some playful, flirty humor to make her feel attracted and think, “He sounds so different now. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad to give him a chance,” so she wants to see you in person again.
9. Let her sense that you’re not pushing her to make any decisions
A woman will close up immediately, if she senses that you’re trying to get her to agree to a reconciliation.
The reason is she doesn’t want to be pressured into making a decision to commit to a relationship again, especially if she’s feeling little to no attraction or love for you at the moment.
Remember: Getting back into a relationship is the last step of the ex back process, not the first.
The first step is re-attraction.
You have to make her want to give you another chance for her own reasons (i.e. she feels a renewed spark of attraction).
It can’t be about you trying to get her back by pressuring her to make a decision about the relationship.
10. Allow the love to begin flowing between you and her again
The way that it works is…
- If you make a woman feel sexual and romantic attraction for you, love flows.
- If she is losing sexual and romantic attraction for you, her love begins to fade.
- If she has lost all sexual and romantic attraction for you, her love stops flowing.
When the love stops flowing, she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
It’s pretty simple if you understand how it works.
However, the important thing to get clear on is that you as the man are the one who is in control of that flow.
So, if you want to get back together again with your fiancé, you need to make her feel sexually and romantically attracted to you again.
When you do, she naturally begins to feel like she loves you or at least can love you if she allows herself to open back up to the idea.
Then, getting back with her is a natural and easy process.
11. Reignite the physical side of your relationship, without seeking commitment from her yet
If you follow the steps outlined above, it’s very likely that your ex fiancé will start to drop her guard and open back up to you again.
You can then take things to the next level by initiating a hug, kiss and then hooking up with her sexually (after you’ve fully re-sparked her feelings of course).
When things get physical, you might be tempted to say, “That was amazing. So, we’re back together as a couple, right?”
In some cases, a woman will say, “Yes” and getting back together will happen automatically.
Yet, in other cases, asking her a question like that will cause her to play hard to get.
That can lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings or you becoming desperate and possibly accusing her of leading you on.
That can instantly ruin the fragile feelings you’ve been rebuilding inside of her and turn her off again.
So, don’t make the mistake of pushing your ex fiancé into making a commitment right away.
If you really want her to give you another chance, just continue making her feel sexually and romantically attracted during interactions with her.
She will then likely be the one hinting at a relationship again, because it feels like the right thing for her to do.
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