Here are 9 questions to ask yourself to find out whether you are really missing your ex, or just missing the relationship you had with her:
1. When you imagine the kind of woman you really want to be with, do you see her?
A mistake that a lot of guys make after a breakup, is to focus on their ex woman’s great qualities and as a result, feel sad and broken-hearted about losing such an amazing girl.
Yet, quite often, if a guy like that allows himself to think about his ex truthfully, he might discover that in reality, she’s not actually the kind of woman he wants to be with for life.
Yes, he does miss having someone to wake up next to in the morning, or hang out with when he goes out, or who likes to cook and take care of him.
However, those positives are often overshadowed by other things that make being in a relationship with his ex quite stressful (e.g. she tends to lie to him and that creates arguments and fights, she’s easily influenced by her family and friends so he always has to talk her out of stupid decisions, she’s selfish and he tends to be the one who is always giving and she’s always the one taking).
So, before you decide to get your ex back, ask yourself:
- Am I missing her, or am I missing the comfort of being in relationship?
- Am I feeling left out now that I’m a single guy, compared to my friends or family members who are in committed relationships?
- Is she the kind of woman I want to be with for life, or is she just someone to hang out with until a better woman comes along?
- If I had my choice of women right now (i.e. multiple pretty women who like you), would I still pick her?
Depending on your answer, you will then be able to take action accordingly.
For example: If you realize that you’re missing the relationship, you’re likely better off just moving on and finding yourself a new, even better woman than your ex to be with.
On the other hand, if when you imagine your ideal woman, your ex keeps coming to mind, then make sure you don’t give up now and lose her for real.
Instead, interact with her every chance you get, via text, email, social media and especially over the phone and in person and focus on reactivating her sexual and romantic feelings for you (e.g. by making her laugh, smile and feel good, flirting with her to create sexual tension between you, showing her through your actions and behavior that you’ve leveled up as a man).
The more attracted you can make her feel when she interacts with you, the more she will believe that getting back with you is something that she wants to do.
It will be about her following her heart and surrendering to the exciting feeling of being with you, rather than seeing you as a desperate ex who needs her back because he misses being in a relationship.
Another question to ask yourself to find out if you’re missing your ex or missing the relationship is…
2. Do you feel lonely without her because you were so used to having her as a big part of your life?
When someone is in a relationship, it’s only natural that the person they are with will become a big part of their everyday life.
For example: A woman might take on a big chunk of the household duties and do most of the cooking, cleaning and tidying up.
She might also take on the responsibility of doing the majority of the grocery shopping and handling any problems that might arise in the home (e.g. the washing machine breaks down so she will arrange for a repairman to come over and fix it).
The guy on the other hand might make sure their bills get paid on time (e.g. rent, utility, insurance).
He could also be responsible for filling up their cars with gas and keeping them in good running condition.
He might also be in charge of keeping their yard clean and tidy and the grass mowed.
At the same time, they will also do a lot of things together.
For example: They might…
- Go out to restaurants and movies.
- Hang out with family and friends.
- Live together and therefore sleep in the same bed.
- Go shopping.
- Go on weekends away.
- Attend work or family functions (e.g. an end-of-year work party, a wedding).
So, it’s only normal that when a breakup happens, there will be a big void in the guy’s life where she used to be.
He might then start thinking things like, “I can’t stand it! My life is so empty without her. I miss her so much!”
Yet, once the initial shock of the breakup wears off, he might begin to realize that it’s not his ex that he misses, but rather the comfort of her presence in his life (e.g. knowing that his dinner will be cooked when he gets home after work, having someone to go out with rather than going alone).
In a case like that, the guy will quickly get over his ex and move on and find himself another high quality woman to be with.
Of course, the opposite can also happen.
A guy can suddenly realize that his ex woman was not only a big part of his life based on the things she did for him, but also a big part of his life based on how she made him feel (e.g. loved, appreciated, respected, looked up to).
In that instance, it’s only natural that the guy will miss his ex and feel as though he can’t go on without her.
So, if you have realized that your life feels empty and pointless without your ex and that you’re struggling to move forward without her (i.e. because she’s the one for you), then it’s time for you to stop focusing on the problem (i.e. how much you miss her) and start focusing on what it will take to get her back.
When your ex can see for herself that you’re handling the breakup in a confident, emotionally strong way, rather than being an emotional mess without her, she will automatically start to feel some respect for you.
When that happens, she will also begin to feel attracted to you again and with those two things in place, her walls will naturally begin to crumble.
She then opens herself up to interacting with you more over the phone and seeing you in person, which then opens up the door for you to fully re-attract her and make her fall back in love with you again.
Another question to ask yourself to find out if you’re missing your ex or missing the relationship is…
3. Do you honestly still find her sexually attractive?
Something that often happens in relationships is that after the initial thrill of lust and sexual attraction at the beginning fades away, a couple falls into the habit of treating each other more like friends or roommates, rather than like lovers.
Essentially, that all-important spark of sexual attraction disappears and is replaced by a more platonic feeling of comfortable, friendly fondness for each other.
In other words, they do still care for each other as people, but they don’t feel attracted to each other in a sexual, romantic way.
So, ask yourself: “Do I still feel sexually and romantically attracted to my ex and want her back as my girl and lover, or has the spark died between us and I just miss the companionship we used to share?”
If you realize that you don’t really feel sexual attraction for your ex, the truth is, what you and her had was more of a friendship than a relationship.
That then makes it likely that you’re not missing her as much as you’re missing the friendly connection you shared.
In a case like that, you can still stay in contact with your ex and enjoy hanging out as friends, without losing that closeness you had with each other.
However, you don’t need to be in a relationship with her to have that.
The way then opens up for you to move on and find a woman you truly feely sexually attracted to, to be in a relationship with.
On the other hand, if you do still feel surges of sexual attraction every time you think about your ex, it’s only natural that you’re missing her.
Of course, if you want to get her back, you have to make sure that she feels the same way about you.
It can’t be just you who feels sexually attracted to her, while she now perceives you more as a neutral friend.
The feelings have to be mutual to make a sexual and romantic relationship work.
So, if you want to re-attract your ex, make sure that every time you interact with her, you spark some of her feelings of respect and attraction for you (e.g. by using humor to make her laugh and smile and feel good to be talking to you again, flirting with her to create some sexual tension between you, being more of a challenge to her so she feels that she needs to work hard to impress you).
The more attracted you make her feel, the more motivated she will be to give the relationship another chance.
From there, you can then progress to hugging, kissing, sex and a new and improved relationship.
4. Would you stick with her for many years, or even for life, if you and her got back together?
Not all relationships are designed to last.
For example: A couple might sometimes get together because they enjoy the same things (e.g. traveling, partying, hanging out with friends, playing video games).
Yet, over time, one of them might come to the conclusion that they want more out of the relationship and that the other person doesn’t feel the same way (e.g. one wants to get married and settle down while the other one wants to continue living a carefree life).
When that happens, a couple will usually break up and move on to other people who want the same things as they do.
Alternatively, a couple might know that they are meant to be together for life, even if they’re not ready for that kind of commitment just yet (e.g. because they’re too young, they need to finish their studies first, they want to focus on building their careers before the fully settle down).
The fact is, couples with real staying power understand the value of having shared long term interests and goals that they look forward to experiencing together.
If they don’t see eye to eye on the more fundamental aspects of the relationship, it will be difficult for them to connect on a deeper level and feel motivated to stay together for life.
Eventually, one or the other will feel that they are missing out on what they really want to do in life and a breakup will likely happen.
Which category do you and your ex fall into?
Did you and her grow and mature together as a couple and ultimately want the same things in life (e.g. to get married and start a family together, to buy a house, to go traveling), or do you and her want very different things (e.g. you want to settle down and she wants to go traveling, you want to get married but she prefers to stay unattached, you want children but she doesn’t or visa versa)?
Depending on your answer, it will be clear to you whether you’re truly missing your ex (i.e. because you see her as being a major part of your future), or just missing the relationship (i.e. because you and her had a lot of fun together as a couple and you miss that).
Then, if you decide that your ex is the woman you want to spend the rest of you life with, you need to get her on a phone call or to a met up with you right away, so that you can begin reactivating her feelings for you and get her back.
5. Are you afraid to approach and attract new women?
Sometimes, a guy convinces himself that he wants his ex back, simply because he doesn’t feel confident enough in himself and in his attractiveness as a man to be able to find another, high quality woman to be with.
So, a guy like that will hold on to the memory of his ex and even make her out to be a lot more perfect than she really is, just to justify his inability to move on.
Here’s the thing…
When you improve your ability to make women feel attracted to you, not only can you easily re-attract your ex and get her back, you are also able to have your choice of women.
It’s then up to you who you want to be with (i.e. your ex or a new high quality woman).
So, from now on, focus on thinking, acting and behaving in attractive ways (e.g. being more confident and emotionally strong, being more manly, being more of a challenge during interactions).
The more you do that, the easier it becomes for you to attract any woman you want, including re-attracting your ex.
The bottom line is that by becoming a more emotionally attractive man, you won’t have to settle for any woman that you don’t really want.
Another question to ask yourself to find out if you’re missing your ex or missing the relationship is…
6. Do you miss who she used to be when things were good, but are unsure how to get her back to being like that with you?
At the beginning of a relationship when a woman is feeling a lot of love, respect and attraction for her guy (i.e. because he’s creating a relationship dynamic that sparks her feelings for him), she will respond by being a good, loving, adoring woman to him.
However, if the man becomes complacent in the relationship with her and allows the dynamic between them to go out of sync (i.e. by either putting in way more effort than her into the relationship to hopefully get her to love him and treat him well, or not putting enough effort into the relationship and causing her to feel like she is being taken for granted) she will feel like pulling away, being closed off and treating him with less and less respect over time.
When that happens, a woman will usually decide to break up with the guy and move on.
He might then wonder something along the lines of, “I thought we had something special but she changed. She stopped being the loving, attentive woman I fell in love with and became this argumentative angry person. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?”
Here’s the thing though…
If you miss the way things used to be with your ex at the beginning of your relationship, you can get it back.
How?
By changing your approach to attraction with her, so that she can reconnect with her sexual and romantic feelings for you.
For example: A few ways you can do that are by…
- Making her feel sexy and desirable in your presence rather than like a neutral friend.
- Being confident around her rather than insecure.
- Being more of a challenge to her rather than being predictable and a pushover so she feels as though she needs to impress you to maintain your interest in her.
When she starts associating feelings of respect, sexual attraction, excitement and fun with being around you again, she will naturally drop her guard and open back up to giving the relationship another chance.
Then, as long as you continue to create a balanced relationship dynamic where you make her feel loved, appreciated and desired and she feels motivated to be a good woman to you, things will not only be great between you, they will stay that way too.
You will then never have to go through another breakup with her.
7. Are you afraid that you won’t be able to find much better than her if you get out there and start dating again?
Sometimes a guy will find that he misses his ex, because in his mind, she was the best woman he ever had a relationship with.
Usually, this happens when a guy doesn’t have much confidence and doesn’t believe in his value to women, so he usually settles for the kind of woman who will accept him (e.g. unattractive, insecure women).
So, when he gets ‘lucky’ with a beautiful woman who he perceives as being out of his league and then they break up, it’s only natural that he will miss her.
Essentially, he secretly believes that she is irreplaceable (i.e. because she was more beautiful, confident, funny and intelligent than any other woman he’s dated) and he will never be able to find another woman that compares to her.
What a guy like that doesn’t realize is that he’s actually good enough for higher quality women, but seeing as he doubts himself, those kinds of women overlook him and try to find a more suitable match.
As a result, he is unable to attract another quality woman, or get his ex back even if he wants to (i.e. because he comes across as desperate, insecure and unworthy).
This is why, if you want to get your ex back, or find another equally attractive woman than her, you have to believe in yourself and in your ability to do it.
If you doubt that you can do it, you will end up projecting that insecurity in the way you talk, think, act and behave and she will feel content to stick with her decision to break up with you.
Additionally, other women will sense it and feel turned off by you.
You’ve got to honestly believe that you are good enough for her (and other women) and then interact with her, make her feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you and get her back.
Another question to ask yourself to find out if you’re missing your ex or missing the relationship is…
8. Did you only start missing her when she began dating a new guy?
There’s an old expression that goes something like, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
Essentially, what that means is a guy sometimes doesn’t appreciate what he has (e.g. a beautiful girlfriend/wife) until he loses her (i.e. to another guy).
Suddenly, he realizes that she was ‘the one’ and that he made a big mistake by letting her go.
He then begins wanting her back, but because she’s dating a new guy, he believes that it’s too late.
He might then give up and spend many years missing her and thinking about her as being the one that got away.
Here’s the thing…
If your ex is seeing someone else, it doesn’t mean you can’t get her back.
Remember: Her new man is likely her rebound guy and she’s probably using him to get over you.
So, if you interact with her again, over the phone and especially in person and reactivate her sexual and romantic feelings for you, you can easily get her back.
However, if you just sit on the sidelines and do nothing, she may eventually fall in love with him, or move on and find another man to be with.
Don’t let that happen to you.
Call her, reactivate some of her feelings for you (e.g. by making her laugh, smile and feel good to be talking to you again) and get her to meet up with you in person.
At the meetup, create so much sexual tension between you and her (e.g. by flirting with her) that she then wants to release it.
From there, progress to hugging, kissing and sex so she feels confused about who she wants.
The more you make her feel attracted to you, the more doubts she will have about her new guy.
She will realize that you’re now the man she always wanted you to be and she will likely drop her new guy and come running back to you.
9. Have you been getting laid since the breakup?
A great way to get over a breakup is to have sex with new women, especially women that you see as being more attractive than your ex.
However, if your confidence has taken a knock as a result of being dumped or going through a messy breakup, you may be feeling reluctant to approach attractive women and try.
Instead, you might be making excuses to yourself as to why you’re not interested in getting laid right now (e.g. you’re still healing from the breakup, you still hope to get back with your ex and if she finds out that you had sex with another woman she might not give you another chance).
Here’s the thing though…
Not dating other women is not the thing that’s going to impress your ex and make her want you back.
Instead, she might even assume it’s because no other woman wants you.
Remember: A woman wants to be with a man who is happy, confident and forward moving in his life, with or without her.
So, if you want to re-attract your ex, you need to show her that you haven’t been sitting around feeling sad, lonely and avoiding other women because of her.
Instead, you are now emotionally independent and feel good about yourself and your life without her.
She will then naturally feel drawn to you again.
By the way…
If you have gotten laid since your breakup and you still think about and miss your ex all the time, then it’s clear that she’s the woman for you.
So, stop debating what you should do and get her back.
She’s waiting for you!
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