You’ve most-likely already apologized to your ex multiple times, right?
If so, apologizing to her again isn’t going to change anything at this point.
What will?
Reactivate her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you.
Every interaction that you have with her from now on needs to be about reactivating her feelings, not about telling her how sorry you are.
How can you do that?
Start by answering the following questions for yourself:
1. Have you improved in the ways that really matter to her?
It’s great that you want to get your ex to realize how truly sorry you are for how you treated her.
However, if all you’re doing is begging, pleading and apologizing to her to achieve that, then you’ve probably already realized that you’ve been wasting your time and energy trying to get her to understand, right?
She’s likely been saying things like, “Look, I don’t care. It’s over” or, “I’m not interested in what you have to say. Just leave me alone” because you’re simply offering her apologies and promises about how things could be different.
If you keep using that approach, you will keep getting rejected.
So, what should you do instead?
Use every chance you get (e.g. via text, on social media, e-mail, on a phone call and especially in person), to let her see that you have truly changed in the ways that matter to her.
I’m not saying to tell her that you’ve changed.
No.
That’s not how it works.
You’ve got to let her see and experience it for herself, so she can make that judgment call.
A woman doesn’t want to hear her ex saying, “I’ve changed. Please believe me” because it appears desperate, which is a turn off for women.
So, make sure that you just focus on letting her experience the changes in you and if you do that, she will naturally begin to feel sparks of respect and attraction for you again.
For example: If a woman broke up with a guy for treating her badly (e.g. he became too jealous and controlling of her), she is going to need to sense and see that he really has changed the core issues that create that type of behavior in a man.
So, when he interacts with her (over the phone or in person) and she tests him by talking about all the fun she’s had since she broke up with him, or by flirting with other guys in his presence (e.g. the waiter or barman), he needs to be confident, relaxed and easy-going to show her that he’s not reacting like he used to.
A good way to show her how much he has changed is by using humor to laugh at how he used to behave in the past.
For instance, he might say something like, “I bet you’re waiting for me to blow up and cause a scene, aren’t you? Unfortunately, my inner jerk has been fired and replaced with a much more mature man. So, if you’re looking for one of those silly, jealous reactions like I would have given you in the past, you’re going to be disappointed” and have a laugh with her about it.
She can then see that he isn’t reacting like his old self and as a result, her guard can come down a little and she can allow herself to feel some respect for him again.
In the same way, when you improve in the ways that really matter to your ex (i.e. you no longer react like you used to), she will wonder something like, “What’s going on here? Why isn’t he doing all those annoying things he used to do when we were together? Something is really different about him.”
As a result, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling drawn to you again, even if just a little bit to begin with.
From there, you just need to keep making her feel sparks of respect and attraction and her guard will come down further because you are focussing on her feelings, rather than trying to convince her how sorry you are.
Another question to ask is…
2. Do you know how to make her feel attracted in new ways now, or just the same old ways?
After a break up, a lot of guys don’t really know how to re-attract their ex woman and get her back into a relationship.
So, he might:
- Send his ex bunches of flowers.
- Buy her sweet, thoughtful gifts (e.g. chocolates, a cute stuffed toy).
- Send her a card and pour his heart out to her.
- Write her a long letter or e-mail explaining how much she means to him, how sorry he is and how he promises that things will be different.
Yet, what he doesn’t realize is that none of those things will make his ex feel sexually and romantic attracted to him again.
She might appreciate his gestures and even say, “Thanks. You’re being so sweet,” and be nice to him, but it doesn’t mean that she will give him another chance.
Rather than make her think, “He’s being so sweet. He seems to be truly sorry for how he treated me. Maybe I should give him another chance,” she’s more likely to think, “Yes, he’s being sweet, but that’s because he doesn’t know what else to do to make me want him again. I just don’t have feelings for him anymore. My feelings can’t be switched back on by a bunch of flowers or a cute teddy bear. He doesn’t understand that. He’s just being superficial.”
Likewise, if he sent a long letter or e-mail, she may think, “All he is doing is talking about himself and how he feels. He doesn’t understand that I don’t care about how he feels anymore. It’s about me now. He doesn’t get it. If he wants me back, he has to make me feel something for him. The feelings just aren’t mutual right now, so I don’t care how many good memories he brings up, how sorry he is or how much he promises to change. I’m either going to feel attracted to him now if he changes, or I’m going to move on if he doesn’t.”
This is why it’s so important that when you interact with your ex from now on, you focus on attracting her in new and exciting ways.
For example:
- Flirt with her to create feelings of sexual tension.
- Make her feel very girly and feminine in comparison to how masculine you now think, talk, feel, behave and act.
- Use humor to break down her defenses and make her see the lighter side of a situation, rather than always being so serious with her and going on and on about how sorry you are for how you treated her.
- Maintain your confidence around her when she tries to test you (e.g. by blaming you for the pain she’s feeling, by being cold and aloof towards you, by telling you that she can never forgive you).
- Respond differently to what she says and does (e.g. if she tries to make you feel bad by saying you hurt her, rather than get upset or start apologizing to her, laugh and say, “Yeah, that was silly of me wasn’t it?” or, “Well, now you’re exaggerating. I wasn’t that bad was I? Geez…if so, then I am probably the worst boyfriend/husband in the world. What prize do I get for that? I kick in the butt from you, or?”).
The more you approach every interaction with her differently to what she’s expecting, the more you will trigger her feelings for you again.
You will snap her out of her autopilot way of thinking, feeling and behaving and force her to live in the now and enjoy talking to you instead.
When she can see for herself that you’re a brand new man, it then feels natural and normal for her to drop her guard and reconnect with her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you again.
Another question to ask yourself is…
3. Have you truly changed, or are you only promising to change if she gives you another chance?
For example: A guy might say, “I’m truly sorry for how I treated you. I was a first class jerk and I know it, but please don’t give up on me. I promise if you just give me one more chance, I will change. I’ll be the man you want me to be. I promise. Just let me prove it to you.”
Sometimes a woman will accept a guys promises to change (e.g. if she doesn’t have much experience with relationships, she’s afraid that it will be difficult for her to find a replacement guy, she still has strong feelings for him).
However, in most cases where a woman knows she can easily find a new guy, or if she’s had some experience with relationships and knows that she can handle the pain of a break up, she will reject his offer.
She might also know that when a guy promises to change, he rarely even knows how to do so.
As a result, she will choose to stick with the break up, rather than being dragged back into a relationship that is going to end up with a break up again anyway, because he’s just not going to change.
This is why, for most women, promises aren’t enough to get her back.
So, what works?
She needs you to be man enough to figure out what happened to cause her to break up with you in the first place (e.g. you stopped being manly, you became too emotionally sensitive) and then take action to fix those things, before you try to get her back.
She looks at this as you caring about how she feels, rather than just looking after your own emotional state.
In other words, you improve or change so you can better make her feel attracted to you, rather than just rushing to get her back to stop the pain you’re experiencing now that you’ve been dumped.
So, make sure that you really do improve, change or adjust before you attempt to get her back.
Most guys are able to do that within a couple of days, but other guys need a week or so.
I don’t recommend waiting longer than that though because if you do, it simply gives her more time to get over you and move on.
So, if you’re going to change or improve, do it quickly and do it now.
Then, when you contact her, she will sense (by the way you talk, act, behave and interact with her) that you have already changed and improved.
For example: You’re more confident and emotionally strong now, you’re no longer jealous and controlling, or you are more capable of being emotionally mature and loving her the way she really wants you to.
As a result, the idea of giving you another chance will good to her.
Another question to ask is…
4. Are you currently giving her too much power over you when you talk to her?
A guy sometimes feels so guilty about treating his ex badly in the relationship, that he lowers himself when interacting with her (e.g. he is on his very best behavior, he is extra nice to her, does whatever she wants and allows her to get her way with everything), as a way of hopefully impressing her or getting her to take pity on him.
For example: A guy might say to himself, “I’m the one who made the mistakes, not her. To get her to realize that I am truly sorry for how I treated her, I have to be so nice to her from now on. She can call all the shots and no matter what, I’ll do what she says. Then she will see that I’m being sincere. She will then hopefully forgive me and give me another chance.”
Yet, in most cases, the opposite is true.
A woman might give the impression that she enjoy being in charge and having her ex grovel at her feet for what he did.
However, the truth is that deep down, a woman simply cannot respect a guy who allows her to push him around, no matter how badly he stuffed up.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that a guy should be rude, domineering and not take her feelings and wishes into consideration.
It simply means he shouldn’t give all his power to her and allow her to bully him as punishment for making a mistake.
So, regardless of how badly you treated your ex before, make sure that you don’t let her turn the tables now and treat you badly.
Fixing relationship problems is not about getting an eye for an eye.
If you let her get revenge by treating you badly, she won’t be able to respect you.
Without respect, there is no attraction and without attraction, there’s nothing left to bring out the love in her heart.
Remember: A woman wants to be with a man she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love (i.e. a guy who is confident and emotionally strong enough to take the lead in the ex back process and get her back, rather than expecting her to tell him what to do to make her have feelings for him again).
So, don’t give your power away when talking to your ex.
Be a good guy, but don’t be a super nice guy who essentially bows down and lets her walk all over him.
Yes, you made some mistakes, but you have become a better man as a result and you should hold your head high about that.
You’re no longer the guy who treated her badly.
3 Mistakes That Other Guys Often Make When in Your Situation
Your relationship with her is unique, but the problems you are facing are fairly common (i.e. you stuffed up, feel like you need to make her realize how sorry you are, have been trying to get her to realize it, she doesn’t care and isn’t opening back up).
So, if you want to make the ex back process easier for you and actually get her back, be sure to avoid the following common mistakes that guys often make when in your situation…
1. Making it all about how sorry he is, so she can then accept his apology and he can feel better about himself
Sometimes a guy will get so caught up trying to show his ex how bad he feels for hurting her that he ends up babbling on and on about his feelings.
For example: He might call her on the phone and say things like, “I know I stuffed up so badly. You won’t believe how terrible I feel. I know you don’t want to forgive me, but if you think you hate me right now for how I treated you, then is is nothing compared to how much I hate myself. I can’t express how sorry I am for what I did. It just tears me apart when I think about the pain I caused you. I’m such a fool. I can’t believe how I treated you. How could I do that? I was so stupid. What can I say or do to make this up to you? I’m willing to do anything to show you how bad I feel for what I did. Please.”
Yet, rather than make a woman think, “Poor guy. He’s really hurting. Obviously he’s learned his lesson, so maybe I should forgive him and help him feel better now,” she will actually see his behavior as selfish.
Why?
She hears what he is saying as being all about him and his feelings, rather than how she feels and what she wants.
What she feels is turned off and if he’s going to get her back, what she wants is to be able to feel sparks of respect, attraction and love for him while they interact.
He’s not going to achieve that by going on and on about his feelings.
Even though he’s being sincere and pouring his heart out because he truly is sorry for how he treated her, she just doesn’t care because the feelings aren’t mutual yet.
So, make the feelings mutual first and then she will begin to care.
Remember: Getting a woman back is about focussing on making her have romantic feelings, not on talking about your feelings, needs or wants.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Hoping that by sucking up to her with a “pity me” approach, she will feel sorry for him and give him another chance
For example: A guy might say to his ex, “Please baby… stop torturing me. I haven’t been able to sleep or eat properly for the last week. Can’t you see that I’m truly sorry for what I put you through? I’m a mess. Please forgive me and give me a chance to make it up to you. Please. I need you to tell me that you forgive me. I can’t take this any longer. Please.”
He’s hoping that if she sees how much he’s suffering without her, she will feel sorry for him and then agree to give him another chance.
Yet, just like in the previous mistake, making a woman feel pity for the emotional pain you’re experiencing only turns her off even more.
Women are attracted to men who maintain their composure and remain emotionally strong under pressure.
So, seeking pity and looking weak is just another thing that makes her feel right about her decision to end the relationship.
Additionally, a woman doesn’t want to feel like she is being forced back into a relationship, simply because her ex can’t cope without her.
She wants the ex back process to happen naturally, which it will if he focuses on her feelings, rather than his own.
Another mistake to avoid is…
3. Thinking that giving her all the power in the relationship is what she wants
A common mistake guys make is thinking that a woman will be happier if she gets to wear the pants in a relationship.
Yet, even though modern women are more independent and often go around saying things like, “A woman can do anything that a man can do,” they are still instinctively attracted to a man who is more emotionally dominant than themselves.
This doesn’t mean that she wants a guy to boss her around and make all the decisions without ever considering her wants or needs.
Instead, she wants a man who can confidently lead the way to a better future for both of them, while also being loving and caring enough to take her wants and needs into consideration.
If he can do that she will be able to look up to him and respect him, feel attracted to him and love him.
On the other hand, if he just sits back and allows her to dominate him with her confident personality, she will lose so much respect for him that she will question why she is with him at all.
So, don’t make the mistake of thinking that you have to become a wimp and do whatever she says to show her how truly sorry you are.
She wants you to maintain your masculinity, while being a good man to her.
If you can show her that you’re man enough to admit to your mistakes and have already taken steps to improve yourself, she will feel respectful of you and attracted to you.
As a result, the idea of forgiving you and giving you another chance will feel like something she is willing to do now.
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