It depends on the following:
1. How bad was the break up?
If your ex absolutely hates you, then you should give her a full week of space before talking to her.
She might contact you before then and if she does, use the interaction to begin re-attracting her and start replacing her negative feelings and perceptions of you to positive ones.
However, if she doesn’t contact you during that week, don’t worry about it and don’t start thinking negative thoughts like, “If she’s not calling me it probably means she will never forgive me and give me another chance. She must hate me so much. It’s hopeless. I will never be able to make her change her mind about me.”
Instead, give her the full week to allow for things to calm down between you and her and allow her to start missing some of the good things about you (e.g. the way you used to make her smile, the way you treated her so well, that you were reliable), rather than talking to her too soon and then discovering that she’s still too angry and resentful towards you, so she remains closed off and refuses to talk to you.
Then, use the week apart to quickly change and improve some of the things that caused your ex to break up with you in the first place (e.g. if you were jealous and controlling before, focus on becoming more confident and emotionally independent so you no longer need her to feel good about yourself, if you allowed her to dominate you during conversation focus on becoming more emotionally masculine and standing up for yourself more, if you were childish and immature before, focus on growing up a little bit and having more purpose and direction in your life).
After a week, call her on the phone (always better than texting because it’s more difficult for her to ignore you that way and it also allows her to experience the new you) and begin re-sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you and make her open up to seeing you in person again.
As long as you get some face-to-face time with her and properly re-spark her feelings, she won’t be able to stop herself from at least being curious after that to see if you really have changed for real.
When that happens, the next step is hugging, kissing, sex and getting the relationship back together.
You’d be surprised at how often that happens.
On the other hand, if you and your ex parted on relatively good terms, then you can call her after a day or two to say hi and see how she’s doing.
Don’t make a big deal about it though, or give her the impression that you want her back right away.
Instead, begin re-sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you by making her smile and laugh and feel happy to be hearing from you again.
Then when she relaxes her guard a little bit, get her to agree to meet up for a cup of coffee to say hi as friends.
Initially she might be a bit resistant to the idea and she may say something along the lines of, “No, I don’t think we should see each other. It’s just too soon.”
However, you can’t let that upset you and cause you to start doubting yourself.
Just maintain your confidence and in a relaxed, easy-going tone of voice say something like, “Hey, the sooner we start seeing each other as friends, the quicker we will heal. Then, we will both be able to move on without any negative thoughts or feelings about our relationship holding us back. I promise, this will be good for both of us. Besides, it’s just coffee and then, if you decide you don’t want to see me again, I will respect that and leave you alone, okay? Anyway, I’m free on Tuesday and Thursday, so which of those two days suits you the best?”
She will then likely agree to see you, even it’s only to give her an out the next time you ask her to meet up (i.e. because you promised her that you would leave her alone of she decides that’s what she wants).
You can then go ahead and arrange a suitable day and time.
Then, when you meet up with her, you need to focus on saying and doing the types of things that will spark her sexual and romantic feelings for you (e.g. maintain your confidence with her when she says that it’s over between you, use humor to bring down her guard, flirt with her to make her feel sexually attracted to you again) and convince her that she wants to see you more and more, rather than never again.
From there, use every interaction you have with her (i.e. over the phone and in person) to fully reactivate her feelings for you and get her back.
Another thing to consider before you decide how long you should wait to talk to your ex after a break up is…
2. How long was your relationship?
Your approach will depend on the length of the relationship and the outcome you want.
If it was just a casual sex relationship that lasted for weeks, your ex’s reasons for breaking up with you will likely not be as complex as if you and her have been together for a year or longer.
For example: In a casual, short-term relationship some of the reasons why a woman might break up with a guy are…
- She wants the relationship to proceed to the next level (e.g. see each other exclusively, move in together) but he wants to keep things casual and continue just having sex without fully committing to each other.
- She wants to continue having an open, laid back sexual relationship, while he wants the relationship to become more serious.
- She initially felt some attraction for him and thought that those feelings would grow, but they didn’t and she got bored.
- He initially portrayed characteristics that were attractive to her (e.g. confidence, emotional maturity, emotional masculinity), but he soon changed and became insecure, needy, clingy and immature which turned her off.
So, based on these reasons, your first decision is whether you are prepared to give her what she wants (e.g. a more serious relationship vs. casual sex, the attraction experience she wants from you).
Then, if you decide that you do want to give her what she wants, you don’t need to wait around for days or weeks before you call.
Instead, a few days is enough time for you to make the necessary adjustments to your thinking, behavior and the way you respond to her.
You can then interact with her over the phone or in person, re-spark her feelings for you and get her back.
On the other hand, if it was a relationship that lasted more than a year, you should first get clear on some of your ex’s deeper, secret reasons for breaking up with you, (e.g. the confidence she was attracted to initially when she fell in love with you has turned into insecurity, you spent too much time trying to please her rather than getting her to be a good woman for you, so she stopped respecting you, you became too boring and predictable and expected her to be happy to be stuck in a directionless relationship for the rest of her life).
Once you’ve figured out what really turned your ex off about you, take a few days (no more than 7) to quickly change and improve those things about yourself.
Then get her on a phone call and use some humor to make her feel happy and relaxed to be talking to you again.
Build on her feelings of respect and attraction as you talk to her and get her thinking things like, “I don’t know what happened to him this past week, but he’s really different now. This is the man I always wanted him to be and imagined being with for life. Maybe I made a mistake after all.”
She then agrees to meet up with you, because she secretly wants to see for herself if you’ve truly changed, or if it was all an act to lure her back, or only something you can do on a phone call.
At the meet up make sure that you continue to say and do the things that will prove to her that you are now a new and improved man (e.g. maintain his confidence with her even if she’s saying that she will never give you another chance with her or is being cold and aloof towards you, use humor to make her feel at ease and enjoy being around you, bring out her girly, feminine side by being emotionally masculine around her).
When she can see for herself that you really have changed in some of the ways that are important to her, she won’t be able to stop feeling surges of respect and attraction for you again.
From there you just need to continue showing her that you really are a new man now and before long she will reconnect with her feelings of love too and open back up to being your girl once more.
Another thing to consider before you decide how long you should wait to talk to your ex after a break up is…
3. Is she going to be able to move on easily without you?
In some cases, a woman knows that she’s attractive and desirable enough to quickly find herself a new man (e.g. because guys are always hitting on her even though she’s in a relationship, there are guys who have shown interest in dating her at work/university/the gym).
Even if there’s no one currently waiting in the wings for her, she knows that all she has to do is start going to bars or clubs, join an online dating site or get a dating app like Tinder, or put out the word that she’s single again and she’ll have a new man in no time at all.
In a case like that, it’s better to get her back sooner, rather than later.
If you wait too long and possibly decide to use the No Contact Rule (i.e. ignore her for 30 or 60 days) to make her come running back to you, your plan might backfire and you may end up losing her to another guy.
Of course, if your ex is a bit shy, or she feels insecure about her attractiveness, it might take a bit longer for her to move on with another guy.
However, even in a case like that, waiting too long to talk to her after the break up might still cause you to lose her.
For example: She might take you ignoring her as a sign that you’re not interested in her anymore and she may then hook up with any guy she can to make herself feel better.
Alternatively, she might get angry with you for ignoring her and refuse to talk to you when you try to get hold of her later on.
Here’s the thing…
If your intention is to get your ex back, then why waste time ignoring her.
Anything longer than 3 to 7 days is a waste of time and just gives a woman more motivation to forget about you and move on.
So, give her a few days of space if you want to, but then get her on a call and begin reactivating her feelings for you so that you can get her back into a relationship with you where she belongs.
Another thing to consider before you decide how long you should wait to talk to your ex after a break up is…
4. Are you ready to attract her in a new way when you talk to her, or are you going to be offering her the same old attraction experience?
Sometimes a guy might wait weeks or even months before he talks to his ex after their break up, only for her to quickly cut him off and say something along the lines of, “Look, I know you mean well, but I haven’t changed my mind about us these last few weeks/months that we’ve been apart. What we had is over for me and I’m not interested in trying again. Please accept it and move on.”
Why does she respond like that?
Mainly because the guy has wasted all that time by not changing or improving himself in any way.
So, when he finally does interact with his ex on the phone or in person and she sees that he’s still stuck at the same level he was at when they broke up, she instinctively pulls away because she can see that he’s not the man she wants and he never will be.
This is why, if you want to get your ex back, you need to use the time apart (i.e. the 3 to 7 days) to quickly transform yourself into the kind of man she wants you to be (e.g. more confident and emotionally independent, more assertive and bold, more emotionally masculine rather than neutral or friendly towards her).
You need to be able to attract her in the ways that she really wants.
Note: You don’t have to become perfect to get her back, but you do need to give her a new and improved attraction experience if you want to convince her to give you another chance.
Then, interact with her on a phone call and more importantly in person and make her feel truly attracted to who you are now.
Don’t try to convince her by telling her how much you’ve changed.
Let her experience it for herself as she interacts with you.
She will automatically sense the changes in you by listening to how you talk and observing your body language and actions.
Her guard will then naturally begin to slip down and she begins to feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for the man you are now.
So, make sure you are ready to attract your ex when you talk to her again after the break up.
By the way…
It doesn’t have to take weeks or months for you to begin changing.
A few days is all it usually takes for a guy to start the process of improving himself.
So, focus on that for a few days, then take action and get her back.
It’s actually easier than you might think.
Where Guys Go Wrong After a Break Up
If you want to get your ex back into a relationship with you, your approach is very important.
Not only does it matter how long you take to contact her after the break up, but also what you say and do when you do talk to her.
So, make sure you don’t make the following mistakes and reduce your chances of successfully re-attracting her and getting her back:
1. Not hearing from his ex, so he waits longer in the hope that she eventually reaches out to him
Sometimes a guy might decide to avoid contact with his ex and simply wait for her to finally get in touch with him.
He usually thinks something like, “Things didn’t end off very well between us, so it’s probably a good idea to just back off for a while and let things cool down. Then, when she’s feeling a bit better, she might get in touch with me and I can then apologize to her for what happened and try to convince her to give me another chance.”
He might then wait and wait for some communication from her that doesn’t come and ends up feeling dejected and hurt and wondering what went wrong.
Here’s the thing…
Giving a woman more and more time after a break up rarely results in her coming back on her own.
Instead, she either feels relieved that she doesn’t have to deal with an ex who is trying to get her back and she uses the time to move on and find herself a replacement guy.
Alternatively, she takes it as a sign that he isn’t interested in getting her back, so she focuses on fully getting over him and moving on.
Don’t let that happen to you.
You need to interact with your ex over the phone or in person, so you can begin reawakening her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction for you right away.
If you wait for her to come back to you without reactivating her feelings for you, she’s almost certainly just going to move on without you.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Talking to her in a neutral way and hoping that she will be excited about that
If you finally do talk to your ex and you act friendly or neutral around her, it’s almost certain that she will only have friendly, neutral, non-sexual feelings for you.
She may even begin seeing you as her good friend now and start telling you all about the guys she’s having sex with or dating.
You probably don’t want that, do you?
So, make sure that when you talk to your ex on the phone or in person, you actively spark her feelings of sexual and romantic attraction for you, rather than being nice, neutral and non-sexual around her.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you should come on so strong that she feels uncomfortable and turned off, nor should you avoid being friendly towards her.
Instead, flirt with her to create some sexual tension between you, rather than pretending to be an innocent friend who isn’t interested in her in a sexual or romantic way.
When you make her want you again sexually and romantically, the relationship will naturally get back together right away, or very quickly.
Another mistake to avoid is…
3. Trying to discuss the relationship and work things out, before he has re-attracted her
Sometimes a guy will make the mistake of thinking that the path to getting his ex back is by getting into long discussions about the relationship with her.
He assumes that if, when he contacts her after the break up, he quickly begins discussing what went wrong and ways they can fix that, his ex will be impressed that he’s putting in the effort to fix himself and become a better man for her and she will then automatically want to give him another chance.
Yet, even though his intentions are good, discussing the relationship with a woman before you’ve at least sparked some of her feelings of respect and attraction for you first, only makes her close up and pull away even more, because it highlights to her all the reasons she broke up with him in the first place.
So, just leave what happened between you and your ex in the past and focus on re-attracting her instead, so she starts to want you for her own reasons (e.g. she feels respect and attraction for the new you, she likes the man you are now).
The more you reactivate her feelings for you, the more she will open back up to the idea of being in a relationship with you, without you needing to force her into it.
Then get her back and enjoy the good times ahead.
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