Here are 5 tips to help you clear things up with your girlfriend, so you can get her back into a relationship:
1. Don’t try to get her to work on the relationship if the feelings aren’t mutual right now
Right now, your girlfriend has chosen to break up with you and as a result, has probably disconnected from her sexual and romantic feelings for you.
She may also have a list of reasons why she doesn’t want to get back with you again (e.g. she no longer feels respect, attraction and love for you, she feels turned off by certain aspects of your thinking and behavior).
When a woman is in that state of mind, she will rarely want to work on the relationship.
So, if her ex guy contacts her and say things like, “Let’s try and clear things up between us so that we can get back together again,” or “Please give our relationship another chance. I promise to do whatever it takes to make things right between us,” rather than think, “This is great! I’m excited that he wants to clear things up with me so that we can get back together again,” she will close herself off even more than she already has.
Why?
He’s asking for a relationship before making her have feelings for him again.
He feels attracted to her, he loves her and he wants to be with her.
Yet, she doesn’t feel the same way.
It’s one-sided now.
As a result, she may then think, “As far as I’m concerned, being in a relationship with him isn’t something that I’m interested in. I just don’t have feelings for him anymore. Maybe we’re just not meant to be together. I have to move on.”
She might then go to extreme measures to cut him out of her life so she can make a fresh start (e.g. block his number on her phone, unfriend him on social media, stop hanging out at the places she knows she could bump into him), making it so much more difficult for him to get her back.
This is why you need to approach the ex back process with your ex girlfriend in a way that will open her up and make her want to talk to you and be around you more, rather than less.
In other words, you need to make the feelings between you and her mutual, or at least close to mutual.
How can you do that?
You need to use every interaction you have with your ex girlfriend (e.g. via social media, text, over the phone and especially in person), to re-spark her feelings of respect, sexual attraction and love for you again, so that she feels motivated to clear things up with you and get back together again for her own reasons.
For example: Some of the ways you can do that are…
- Use humor to ease the tension between you and her and make her laugh, smile and feel good to be interacting with you again.
Stay confident, calm and emotionally strong around her, even if she’s being cold, aloof or saying things like, “I’m not interested in getting back together again,” or “I would never give you another chance. What we had is over and nothing will make me change my mind.” - Show her, via your conversations style, attitude, actions and behavior that you’ve changed and improved some of the things that caused her to break up with you in the first place (e.g. if you were too submissive around her before show her that you’re more assertive now, if you treated her more like a neutral friend before make her feel like a sexy woman around you now, if you were too emotionally sensitive before show her that you’ve become more emotionally strong and masculine now).
- Flirt with her to create some sexual tension between you and her rather than being on your best behavior and making her feel only platonic or neutral feelings for you.
- Want her back but don’t put your life on hold while you go about getting her back. Show her that you don’t need her to be a great man, by being happy, confident and fulfilled with or without her.
- Believe in yourself and in your value to her, rather than doubting yourself and then making her feel turned off by being insecure, needy or unsure of yourself with her.
- Be a good man to her, but also stand up to her in a loving way when she tries to control you with her confident personality (e.g. by calling the shots in the ex back process and expecting you to do whatever she says).
The more you re-spark her feelings for you, the more she will naturally start to feel a renewed sense of respect and attraction for you.
She then becomes curious about her new feelings for you and is more eager to interact with you to explore them, rather than cutting you off and then potentially regretting it later.
She then becomes open to talking to you, hanging out with you and seeing what happens from there.
Another thing you should do to help clear things up with your girlfriend and get her back is…
2. Don’t make it all about your feelings, wants and needs
It’s only natural that right now you may be feelings sad, upset, dejected and like you’re stuck in a position you don’t want to be in (i.e. broken up with your girlfriend).
You might also want to express these feelings to her, so that she can see for herself just how much she really means to you.
This is why you may be tempted to say things to her like, “Even though we’ve broken up, I want you to know that my feelings for you haven’t changed one bit. You still mean the world to me and even though you currently don’t want anything to do with me, I’m not ready to give up on us. I need you so much and nothing in my life feels right without you in it. Please don’t give up on me yet. I honestly believe we can fix the situation between us and get back together again. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to make you happy and show you that things will be different this time. Please just give me one more chance.”
Yet, here’s the thing…
When a woman has disconnected from her feelings of love, respect and sexual attraction for a guy, expressing his feelings to her in this way doesn’t matter to her.
So, instead of getting the response he’s hoping for (i.e. she feels flattered by his strong feelings for her and then wants to clear things up with him and get back together again), she instead feels turned off by what she perceives as his selfishness.
She may then think something along the lines of, “I can’t believe that he’s making this break up all about him and what he feels, wants and needs. Even now, he hasn’t stopped to consider what I feel, want and need. It’s like he doesn’t even care as long as he gets what he wants. I’m so fed up with his selfish, self-absorbed behavior. He just doesn’t get me and by the look of things, he hasn’t even bothered to try. Well, this time I’m putting myself and what I want first and I’m not falling for his needy, desperate attempts to convince me to give him another chance just so that he can feel better. If he can’t make me feel the way I want to feel in a relationship with him, I’m going to simply move on and find a guy who can. I’m not going to give him another chance based on his feelings for me. From now on, it’s my own feelings that I’m looking out for.”
This is why, if you want to clear things up with your girlfriend and get her back, you need to understand that it can’t all be about your feelings for her and how much you care for her, or how much you need her back in your life, because she won’t care about that.
What she cares about now is her own feelings, wants and needs, not yours.
So, your approach to getting her back needs to be about how you make her feel when you interact with her over the phone and especially in person (e.g. happy, respectful, excited, turned on).
When she begins to experience positive emotions with you again, her defenses will naturally slip down.
When that happens, she stops feeling so angry and resentful towards you and begins to feel happy that you still have strong feelings for her and are willing to clear things up with her so that you can get back together again.
Another thing you should do to help clear things up with your girlfriend and get her back is…
3. Don’t make the problems between you and her out to be worse than they really are
Sometimes a guy is so focused on clearing things up with his girlfriend so that he can get her back, that he turns every interaction he has with her (especially over the phone and in person) into a long discussion about the problems they had in their relationship.
In his mind he’s likely thinking things like, “The more we go over what went wrong between us, the more likely it is that we’ll be able to clear things up. I’ll be able to see things from her point of view and understand what caused her to want to break up with me and she’ll be able to see things from my perspective and understand why I did what I did. When we understand each other better, we can fix things between us so we can get back together again.”
However, even though his intentions are good, if the problem is talked about again and again, without using a solution, it becomes a burden and can make his girlfriend feel like a relationship with him is too stressful.
As a result, she may then decide that she made the right decision to break up with him and become closed off and disinterested in interacting with him anymore.
The truth is that most relationship problems are easily fixed when the right approach is used.
There is always an easy, step by step approach that you can use to get the result you want.
So, even though discussing the relationship problems is an important part of working things out with your ex girlfriend, it shouldn’t be the main thing you do every time you interact with her.
If you stick to discussing, you will be stuck at that step.
Instead, just talk about the relationship briefly if she brings it up, but try to keep it short, easy-going and relaxed, while also adding in some humor once in a while to take away the seriousness of the situation.
Of course that doesn’t mean you should joke around and not take the situation seriously.
Not at all.
However, don’t make such a big deal of it either that your ex begins thinking things like, “This is just too much to work through. It’s just not worth it. I’m better off moving on and finding myself a new man to start over with, rather than having to deal with all this baggage.”
Another thing you should do to help clear things up with your girlfriend and get her back is…
4. Let her see that you’ve learned from the experience and become a better man
When your ex girlfriend can see for herself that you’ve truly changed and improved some of the things that turned her off in the relationship with you, her guard will naturally come down and she then becomes open to clearing things up with you so that you can get back together again.
So, go ahead and show her that you’re a new and improved man.
For example:
- You’re more confident and emotionally independent now, rather than feeling insecure, needy and clingy.
- You’re more emotionally strong now and can stand up to her in a loving way when she’s being out of line, rather than handing all your power over to her and letting her get away with treating you badly.
- You’re more confident in yourself and your value and attractiveness to her, so you no longer feel like she’s too good for you.
- You’re more emotionally masculine now and can make her feel sexy and desirable in your presence, rather than making her feel neutral or like a friend.
- You’re more emotionally mature now, so she feels like she can look up to you and respect you as her man, rather than feeling like she has to take care of you and guide you.
When she experiences those kinds of changes in you, her defenses naturally come down and she opens up to being with you romantically and sexually.
By the way…
Don’t tell her that you’ve changed.
Show it to her through your actions, behavior, conversation, attitude and the way you respond to her and don’t worry that she might not notice it.
A woman can pick up the changes in a guy without him having to spell it out to her.
Of course, you can mention some things if they come up naturally in conversation (e.g. if you were shy and reserved before and she asks you what you’ve been up to since the break up, you can tell her that you’ve joined a meet up group in your area and are now getting out more and doing things you enjoy).
However, keep it brief.
She’s not your therapist or cheerleader at this point.
She’s your ex girlfriend and will only want you back if you make her have feel sparks of sexual and romantic attraction.
So, focus on that.
Another thing you should do to help clear things up with your girlfriend and get her back is…
5. Focus on attraction, rather than explanations
One of the most common reactions that guys have when they get broken up with is to try and explain to their ex why they should try and work things out between them.
For example: A guy might say something along the lines of, “After everything we shared, we owe it to ourselves to clear things up and give our relationship another shot. Please don’t give up on us. Please… just give me one more chance to show you that we can make our relationship work.”
Alternatively, a guy might try to explain why he stuffed up and say things like, “I know I made silly mistakes, but I was under a lot of stress at work/university. However, I’m over that now and I promise I won’t let things get in the way of our relationship again. I love you more than anything and I give you my word that I will handle things differently if you give me one more chance.”
Yet, a woman rarely becomes convinced to change her mind based on explanations or excuses.
This is especially true, if she senses that the guy is panicking and is desperately saying whatever he can think of to make her change her mind.
So, what should you do instead?
You need to start saying and doing the types of things that will reactivate your ex girlfriend’s sexual and romantic feelings for you (e.g. being more confident and emotionally strong rather than insecure and wimpy, treating her like a desirable woman rather than like a neutral friend, being more ballsy and standing up to her when she’s being out of line rather than being super nice and handing your power to her), so that the idea of getting back with you again starts to feel good to her.
Remember: It has to be about how she feels, not about what you want or why you think she should want it too.
So, don’t bother wasting time trying to convince your ex girlfriend to give you another chance with mere words.
Instead, focus on rebuilding her feelings of respect, attraction and love for you by showing her that you are a new man now (e.g. by making her laugh and smile during interactions, making her feel feminine and girly in contrast to your masculine vibe, being a confident and emotionally strong man she can depend on rather than feeling more emotionally dominant than you).
The more respect and attraction she feels for you, the more she will be convinced that giving you another chance is actually a good idea and will be fun, compelling and pleasing for her.
That’s how to clear things up with your girlfriend and get her back for real.
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