Here are 4 possible reasons why your ex is being stubborn:
1. You are turning her off, but expecting her to be open
When the woman he loves is saying things like, “You need to leave me alone. I’m just not interested in you anymore,” or “Look, just accept that it’s over between us and move on,” it’s understandable that a man might feel as though she’s just being stubborn.
He may even think to himself, “Why won’t she listen to me? Why won’t she at least give me a chance to talk to her and explain? After all the love we shared and all the good times we had, how can she just shut me out like this?”
He might then text her, or call her on the phone and say something like, “Why are you being so stubborn? Can’t you see that I’m trying to make things right between us? Why can’t you just give me a chance to explain and fix things between us?”
Unfortunately, he is making the mistake of assuming that just because they were in love before, she is now obliged to continue being with him for the rest of her life, regardless of how badly he screwed up.
Obviously, a relationship between a man and a woman doesn’t work that way anymore.
In the past, a woman was a man’s property and had to stick by him for life even if she was unhappy because it was shameful for her to leave her man.
In today’s world, a woman can decide to be in a relationship, or leave a relationship simply based on how she feels.
In other words, as long as she is feeling the way she wants to feel in the relationship (attracted, in love), she will choose to stay with her man.
However, if she starts to lose too attraction for him because of his actions and behavior (e.g. he becomes too insecure and wimpy, he forces her to take on the more dominant role in the relationship, he is too controlling, he treats her like one of his male friends), she can then choose to break up with him because he doesn’t own her and she can do what she pleases.
So, if you want to make your ex stop being stubborn and listen to you again, you need to stop saying and doing things that will turn her off the idea of being with you.
For example: When you interact with your ex…
- Do you make her smile, laugh and feel happy to be talking to you, or do you make her feel stressed out, annoyed and defensive?
- Do you show her (via the way you talk, act, behave and respond to what she says and does now) that you’re no longer at the same level you were at when you broke up, or are you still behaving in some of the old unattractive ways you previous displayed when you were together (e.g. getting into arguments and fights with her, losing control of your emotions around her, making her feel responsible for your emotional pain)?
- Do you make her feel feminine and girly in your presence, or does she feel more like she is the boss and you don’t have the balls to handle a girl like her?
- Do you listen to what she is saying, or are you just nagging, whining and complaining every time you interact with her?
Here’s the thing…
If you continue turning your ex off with your behavior, you can’t expect her to care about you or the relationship any longer.
Remember: Women can choose whether or not to be in a relationship based on how they feel.
So, if you want her back, you’ve got to change your approach to her…
When you make some attractive adjustments to your behavior (e.g. you make her smile and laugh when you interact with her, you make her feel feminine and girly in your presence, you let her vent her feelings at you if she needs to, without getting frustrated or defensive about it), she won’t be able to stay closed off for long.
She will start to think, “Interesting. He’s not trying to force me to listen to him anymore…and he’s even listening to me for a change. I never thought it was possible for him to change like this. He’s being so mature and emotionally strong about the whole thing now. He’s actually becoming a man. I wonder what else about him has changed? Will he be more confident in other areas of life now? Is he someone I should let go, or should I hold onto him in case I never find a man like him again? He’s obviously proved to me that he has the capacity to learn, grow and change. He’s probably a keeper. I can’t just let him go.”
She then drops her guard and opens herself to up to you again.
Then, when you interact with you, rather than feeling like she wants to run away because you’re dragging her down with your emotions and expectations, she feels excited to be around you.
She feels relaxed, happy and at ease because you’re no longer needing her to listen.
Instead, you are focusing on what matters most to her (i.e. her feelings), rather than trying to get her to focus and listen to you explain yourself.
Another reason why your ex might be behaving in a stubborn way towards you is…
2. You are expecting her to change her mind about the break up, without changing how she feels first
If you’re talking to your ex in person, texting her or calling and expecting her to say, “Oh hi babe. Of course I’m ready to hear what you have to say. No problem about any past mistakes, as long as you are sorry now, we can forget about everything and get back together again. I don’t need to know that you’ve really changed. Don’t worry about me. I will just forgive you and give you another chance based on all the explanations and apologies you are giving me. I love you!!!” you’re in for a big disappointment.
The thing is, you can’t expect your ex to listen to you if you don’t change her feelings for you first.
You have to re-spark her feelings of respect, attraction and love, so that she can stop feeling so angry, closed off and unwilling to hear what you have to say to her.
How can you do that?
Understand where she is coming from (i.e. the real reasons she broke up with you) and then make some changes and improvements to yourself.
Then, when you interact with her (e.g. via text, e-mail, on social media and especially over the phone and in person) you can show her that you’ve changed the things that were turning her off and alter how she feels.
For example:
- If you were overly protective and controlling, start being more relaxed and easy going around her.
- If you and her were always getting into arguments, turn potentially flammable situations into something you can laugh about together.
- If you were too selfish with your love and she felt like you were more of a “love-take”, rather than a “love-give” kind of person, start being more emotionally generous. Focus on making her feel good about herself, rather than just looking out for yourself.
When you change the real things that caused her to break up with you and let her experience the new you (i.e. by interacting with her on a phone call and especially in person), her feelings for you will begin to change.
She will begin to respect you again for being man enough to take responsibility for your past actions and then having the courage and integrity to make some real changes.
Then, the idea of getting back together again won’t seem impossible to her anymore and she will stop being so stubborn about it.
3. She doesn’t believe that you can change, so she needs to see it in action first
In most relationships, a woman won’t just break up with her guy before she gives him at least one or two chances to change and improve.
For example: If a guy is too much of a nice guy, which then causes him to be submissive around other people (especially other men), his woman might try to encourage him to stand up for himself more.
She might then say things like, “Don’t let everyone walk all over you. You’re way too nice and your friends and family use that against you to get you to do what they want, or to make you feel bad about yourself around them. Why can’t you see that your friends are constantly using you or taking advantage of you? Haven’t you noticed how you are always the one who pays for drinks or meals when you all get together? It’s okay to say no and let them pay once in a while,” or “Your coworkers are taking advantage of you. You put in way more effort than them and they get just as much credit. You work late and take care of things that aren’t even your responsibility. You have a life too you know!? You can actually say no sometimes. It’s not going to be the end of the world if you stand up for yourself. You have to get them to show you some respect. I don’t like how much you work and how little time you have for me or even just to relax or exercise or do normal things. You’re always so busy because you take on so much work.”
If he listens to her and regains his power and self-respect around people, her feelings of respect and attraction for him will grow.
On the other hand, if she notices that no matter what she says to him, he always falls back to his old pattern of submissive behavior, she will begin to lose respect for him and her feelings of love and attraction will begin to fade.
If he then senses her pulling away from him, he might say something like, “I’m sorry. I know I should be more assertive. Just give me one more chance and I promise you, this time I will change. Please don’t give up on me.”
If she gives him another chance and he doesn’t change, she will break up with him and then try to move on.
He will try to convince her that he is serious this time and she will think something like, “He just wants me to listen to his excuses and promises as usual. I bet he’s going to tell me that this time he’s definitely, 100% sure to change. I don’t believe him anymore. I’ve heard his promises before and nothing ever changes. I don’t believe he even knows how to change and become the kind of man I want anyway. He doesn’t have anyone in his life that can help him. He’s lost. If he wants me to listen to him, he needs to show me that he’s really changed this time. Seeing is believing. I’m not falling for his old ‘I promise this time it will be different’ act again.”
If you want your ex to stop being stubborn and to listen to you, don’t make the mistake of telling her you’re going to change.
You have to actually change and let her experience it on a phone call or in person.
Remember: Actions speak louder than words.
You need to show her via the way you think, talk, behave, interact with her and respond to what she says and does, that you really have changed this time.
Where a lot of guys go wrong, is by thinking that because everything he’s tried so far (e.g. begging, pleading, being nicer to her) hasn’t worked to get her back, then her mind is made up forever.
She can change her mind about you.
Yet, you need to change first.
Important: Don’t change and say, “Okay, I’ve changed. Now will you take me back?” because that’s not what she wants either.
She doesn’t want it to be about you getting what you want.
You have to change and then interact with her to let her experience what she wants (i.e. you as a new, improved man).
That way, it’s about her feelings, wants and needs, rather than about you doing whatever she wants to get her back.
She doesn’t want to feel as though she is controlling your life or shaping your identity against your will.
She just wants to see you change and then re-attract her, without essentially saying, “Okay, now am I good enough? Now will you give me another chance?”
Just be the new, improved version of yourself and let her feel attracted to you and want to give the relationship another chance because of that.
Another reason why your ex might be behaving stubborn is that…
4. You allow her to have too much power over you
A guy sometimes puts on his best behavior around his ex (e.g. being extra nice, doing whatever she wants, listening, caring, being generous and basically sucking up to her) in the hope that it will show her how much he cares.
For example: A guy might say to himself, “If I want her to give me another chance, I need to do things her way, or else it’s the highway for me. She’s going to cut me off completely and I’m going to lose her. I can’t let that happen. So, I’m going to be on my best behavior and let her call all the shots. I will show her that I am willing to do anything for her. That will then show her how much I care. Then, she will take pity on me and give me another chance.”
Yet, in most cases, the opposite is true.
A woman might give the impression that she wants to be the one dictating the pace or the one in control, but she’s not going to respect a guy who falls for it and follows her every order, no matter how ridiculous she is being.
For instance, a woman might say to a guy, “I will speak to you next month after I finish my project at work.”
If he obeys her and, after a month, texts het to ask, “Are you finished your project yet? Is it okay if I call you now so that we can talk about our relationship?” she’s going to feel turned off by his lack of balls for following her crazy order.
It doesn’t matter how busy she is at work (or at university), a woman always makes time for a man that she cares about, even if it’s just a 10 minute conversation while getting a bite to eat, or having a coffee.
So, if a guy follows her order of giving her a month of silence, she will lose respect for him.
She will feel as though he doesn’t have the balls or the social skills to laugh at her order and say, “You and I can catch up and have a chat. It’s only 10 minutes. Both of us can spare 10 minutes. Besides, if you don’t want to talk to me after that, I will respect it and give you space.”
Of course, if he re-attracts her at the meet up, she is going to be open to talking to him again.
However, if he’s sucking up to her, being on his best behavior and being hesitant with what he says, she’s going to feel turned off by his lack of balls around her.
Having balls around her is not about being disrespectful, rude or selfish in anyway.
Instead, it’s about having the balls to not take her drama so seriously and simply guide a conversation back to smiling, laughter and feel good emotions.
If you take a woman’s drama too seriously, she won’t be able to respect you.
Without respect, there is no attraction and without attraction she’s going to refuse to reconnect with her feelings of love for you because it just doesn’t feel right to her anymore.
You might then label her as being stubborn, but she’s not.
She’s simply feeling turned off by what she perceives as your emotionally weak behavior.
Remember: A woman wants to be with a man she can look up to, respect, feel attracted to and love (i.e. a guy who confident and emotionally strong enough to take the lead in the ex back process and get her back), not a guy who stresses her out because he needs her to help him become a better man.
So, don’t wait for your ex to stop being stubborn and start listening to you before you make a move.
Instead, take the lead and show her that you’re a new man now.
You’ve become a better man since you and her split up.
You are not the same guy anymore.
You really have changed and whenever she interacts with you, she feels that and it makes her old feelings of respect, sexual attraction and love for you come rushing back.
When that happens, she will stop being stubborn and she will start wanting to be around you and explore her new feelings for you.
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