Many people assume that going to a therapist will improve and strengthen a marriage, but in reality, it often ends up causing more problems, which lead to a separation or divorce.
Here are 10 common reasons why a wife will decide to divorce her husband after going to a therapist:
1. The therapist uncovered more problems and issues with her husband that she wasn’t aware of
For example: The therapist encourages the husband to reveal things about his childhood, to see if the problems in their marriage are somehow related to what he experienced as a child.
Asking questions like those can dig up old issues that he hasn’t properly dealt with yet, or that have been negatively affecting the marriage (e.g. he was abandoned by his mother at a young age, which has prevented him from fully trusting his wife. Alternatively, he was his mother’s favorite child and she would always give him compliments and reward his nice, or good boy behavior. Yet, his wife doesn’t compliment him and isn’t attracted to his nice guy behavior).
Alternatively, the therapist may point out issues with his communication style, behavior or actions that have unknowingly been causing problems in the marriage.
Revelations like those can cause additional feelings of anger, resentment or hopelessness for his wife, which can then tip the scale in her mind and make her decide that divorcing him is the right decision after all.
She may also feel that being on her own will be better for her, rather than trying even harder to fix the additional problems with him that she was unaware of.
2. The therapist offered politically correct advice, which doesn’t result in a wife feeling more attracted to her husband
For example: A therapist might recommend that a woman ask her husband to be nicer, do more around the house, listen more or share the chores or responsibilities 50/50.
Essentially, the therapist encourages her to have a more equal relationship, where neither of them is the more dominant one.
Since the husband wants to save the marriage, he will usually try to go along with whatever his wife asks him to do.
Yet, although she appreciates his efforts, the changes he makes don’t bring back the spark between them.
Why?
Women don’t continue to feel attracted to men who give up their power to them.
A woman might get a temporary kick out of a man bending to her will, but she will soon lose interest when she realizes that he has become emotionally weaker than her.
The reality is that women feel the most attracted to men who take control in a relationship and then maintain that control in a loving, but assertive manner.
It’s not about a man bossing a woman around and not caring what she thinks.
Instead, it’s about a man knowing his place in the relationship, which is to be the more dominant one.
That’s what a woman really wants because, regardless of her career success or how confident she is, she wants to be able to relax and be a feminine woman around her masculine man.
She doesn’t want to feel more powerful and dominant than him, or to feel like his equal in terms of dominance.
Unfortunately in today’s world, many people (including therapists) get confused about dominance and try to push women to be dominant in all areas of life at all times.
Yet, the reality is that although a woman wants to be respected as an equal in the workplace, she wants to be respected and seen as softer, more gentle and more vulnerable when in a romantic relationship.
She doesn’t want her husband looking at her as a strong, bulletproof woman that he needs to follow, look up to or bow down to in the relationship.
Instead, she wants him to look at her as his feminine woman and always maintain his role as the masculine man.
This doesn’t mean he can’t help out around the house, be nice to her or listen more, but it does mean that he shouldn’t ever let her boss him around and make him feel weaker than her.
If she feels stronger than him, or even just feels as though they are equals in terms of dominance, her attraction for him will fade away.
That’s not a politically correct thing to say, but it’s the truth.
3. She confessed to the therapist that she wanted to try being single again and her decision was supported
Sometimes a therapist might be a divorcee themselves and have enjoyed many years of not being tied down by the responsibilities of a relationship or marriage.
The therapist might have found himself/herself feeling happier and more fulfilled than ever before.
As a result, the therapist may want to support the woman and encourage her to be single, rather than sticking with an unhappy marriage.
4. She blamed her husband for so many things that divorce eventually seemed like a good option to the therapist
In some cases, a woman will go to a therapist and list off a bunch of negative things about her husband, which can eventually result in the therapist recommending divorce, rather than suggesting that she try to fix the marriage.
For example: She might say that…
- She is stressed and worn down by all the arguing and fighting that has been going on in their relationship.
- She has complained to her husband for years about his behavior, or the way he treats her and he never changes.
- Her husband is happy to remain stuck in his dead end job and doesn’t want to try to improve their life or finances. Yet, she has big aspirations and wants a better house, better lifestyle and more financially secure future.
- He doesn’t support her dreams and puts her down when she tries to achieve something.
- He is unwilling to compromise in any way, or even discuss things with her and just expects her to accept his decision as final, or respect his opinion and not challenge it in any way.
- He treats her more like a buddy or friend, rather than his sexy, desirable wife, which makes her feel depressed, lonely and bored in the relationship.
- He doesn’t take their relationship problems seriously and thinks she’s just being silly for complaining about them.
- He doesn’t appreciate the efforts she puts into the relationship.
- He has openly stated that he doesn’t care if the marriage lasts, or has shown interest in potentially being single again.
Many therapists will not actively push a woman to leave her husband and will instead encourage her to try to work things out with him, regardless of how big the problems might be.
However, some therapists will eventually just suggest divorce because they believe it’s the best option for their client.
5. The therapist simply wasn’t experienced enough to help fix the problems of the marriage
Some therapists lack experience or intellect and are unable to provide solutions that fix the unique problems of the relationship or marriage.
So, in some cases, a therapist will provide textbook answers or solutions that they have learned at university or heard about from others and hope that it works.
Alternatively, the therapist may give inaccurate, ineffective or problematic advice due to a lack of competence.
This can happen because not all therapists are of the same quality, intelligence and competence.
It can also happen because the therapist is still trying to figure out how to fix certain relationship problems and is essentially ‘learning on the job’ so to speak.
In some cases, a therapist will test to see what works on clients for many years or even a decade, before eventually developing an effective method that actually works.
Unfortunately though, while the therapist is building up the necessary experience needed to handle complex relationship problems, their earlier clients suffer along the way.
So, if a woman ends up being one of those clients and the advice of the therapist doesn’t help, it can lead to her thinking something like, “If a therapist can’t even help us, then no one can. It’s over. I want a divorce.”
6. The therapist withheld advice and information to get additional sessions, which she didn’t end up going to
Unfortunately, there are a small percentage of therapists who only think of themselves, or their hip pocket.
It’s just how life works.
Most people are good, honest people, but there are some bad apples out there.
Bad apple therapists will aim to get clients coming back again and again, rather than offering solutions right away, so they can make as much money as possible.
For example: A therapist like that will tell a woman that there’s a lot for her to learn and it’s best that he/she helps her over a series of 5-6 sessions or more.
As a result, she has to keep going back for more to get drips of information that may potentially save her marriage.
Yet, after a number of sessions, she may become tired of therapy, or feel as though she’s wasting her time and money on a dead marriage.
So she stops going and potentially misses out on some crucial insights that could have helped her better understand her husband and prevent the divorce.
7. The therapist gave advice that made her feel like she didn’t need her husband anymore
Even though most therapists will advise clients to fix their marital problems, they will also give advice on how to go through a divorce and how to handle life after it.
For example: If the client is a woman, a therapist might tell her about…
- Government support that is available to her, if she goes through with a divorce.
- Her divorce rights.
- The benefits of going through a divorce.
- How it’s possible for her to start over with a new man if she’s not happy with her current one.
- How to gain custody of children, or figure out how to handle sharing time with the kids.
- How to handle objections from her husband.
- Ways to be happy, confident or enjoy life after a divorce.
This information can empower a woman and make her feel more confident, excited and certain about her chances of coping well alone.
If she isn’t in love with her husband anymore, she might decide that divorcing him is a better option, rather than wasting more years of her life trying to make the marriage work.
8. The therapy made her feel confident and empowered, but her husband made her feel insecure and held back
Sometimes a woman will go to a therapist with good intentions (i.e. to sincerely get some help to save her marriage).
However, she may end up being given loads of advice that boosts her confidence, self-image and makes her feel more independent of her husband.
This can result in her feeling capable of being on her own and taking care of herself, rather than being dependent on a husband for emotional and financial support.
That can then lead to a change in her behavior at home, which can result in additional arguments that drive them apart.
For example: She might not have been a very ambitious woman (e.g. she had an average job with no prospects, was more of a stay at home wife and was happy to have a husband who took care of her).
Yet, after going to therapy, she felt confident and empowered to follow her own dreams and ambitions (e.g. start her own business, take on a promotion at work that involves longer working hours and more responsibilities, go out into the workforce rather than being a stay at home housewife).
Her husband didn’t like the changes and may have said, “That therapist is putting stupid ideas in your head. You don’t have to get a job/promotion/start your own business. I’ll take care of us like I always have. Just be a good wife to me. That’s all I ask.”
Although his intentions may be good, she might see it as him trying to hold her back or control her, which then makes her resent him and the way the marriage works.
When she brings it up, he dismisses her opinion and says that she is being ridiculous, which then leads to more arguments.
Eventually, she decides to go through with a divorce, so she can live life the way she wants to, rather than waiting around for his permission to do things, or to achieve certain things in life.
9. She made improvements due to therapy, but her husband didn’t
If a couple goes to therapy and they both do the work, it can be beneficial and help save their marriage/relationship.
Yet, if only one person does the work (e.g. has personal realizations, uses a more effective way of communicating) while the other remains stuck at the same level, it can lead to feelings of resentment, which can create arguments and give a woman an additional reason to want a divorce.
For example: If a woman made improvements due to the therapy, she might then put pressure on her husband to change as much as she has, or to use the methods she has learned from the therapist.
If he’s not willing to try, or she believes that he is incapable of changing, it can result in her beginning to see him as being the problem in their marriage.
She may then decide that if he’s not going to put in the effort or won’t be able to change, then it might be better for her to get a divorce.
10. The therapist made assumptions without ever meeting the husband
The best type of therapist will dig deeper and not make negative assumptions about the husband, especially if he/she never meets him.
Instead, the therapist will offer solutions to fix the problems and keep the marriage together as their number one priority, rather than being biased and destroying a marriage and potentially a family in the process.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way.
In some cases, a female therapist can have a chip on her shoulder when it comes to men (i.e. due to negative experiences in her relationships with men).
This can result in a woman getting tainted or biased advice, which isn’t designed to keep the marriage together.
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