Here are 6 tips to help you get her to change her mind and stop the divorce:
1. Verbally accept the divorce, but don’t sign yet
Chances are high that so far, nothing that you have tried to convince your wife to change her mind about the divorce has worked.
Which is why, begging her to give you another chance, or being stubborn and refusing to sign the papers is only likely to make things more tense and unfriendly between you and her.
So, if you haven’t already done so, stop fighting your wife about the divorce.
That doesn’t mean you have to accept it or go through with it.
It simply means you’re no longer going to try and change her mind in ways that don’t work and that only make her feel even more closed off and determined to go through with it.
To do that, you need to verbally tell her that you accept her decision to get divorced (just make sure you don’t sign anything yet).
For example: You might say something along the lines of, “I know I stuffed up pretty badly and I understand why you want to end our marriage. I just want to say that I accept your decision to get divorced and I’m not going to make things any more difficult for you than they already are.”
In a way, saying that (i.e. you don’t want to make things any more difficult for her than they already are) can cause some women to feel as though they might be overreacting by wanting a divorce.
Maybe you aren’t so bad after all.
Maybe you do care how she feels.
Maybe you have become an even more emotionally mature and appealing man as a result of the mistake you’ve made.
Additionally, by saying that her, you’re taking the pressure off her of having to fight and argue with you to try and get what she wants.
This automatically calms her down a bit and she becomes more open to interacting with you without feeling like she is in an ongoing fight.
This is what you want because from there you need to…
2. Use the time you still have with her to rebuild her feelings of respect for you
When you accept the divorce, you’re literally buying yourself a bit of time where you can change your wife’s mind and save your marriage.
However, for that to happen, you need get her respect back, so she stops seeing you as the guy who broke his vows to her and starts seeing you in a more positive way.
So, how can you regain your ex’s respect?
Some of the ways you can do that are…
- Maintaining your confidence around her regardless of what she’s saying or doing (e.g. she’s insults you for cheating on her, throws a tantrum, is cold and bitchy, tries to make you feel guilty and like you’re not worthy as a man anymore because of what happened).
- Using humor to diffuse strained interactions and get her laughing, smiling and feeling good around you, rather than becoming annoyed, tense or worrying that you’re losing her.
- Standing up to her in a lovingly dominant way if she tries to control you during conversation, rather than being submissive with her and letting her walk all over you.
- Showing her by the way you respond to her (e.g. calm rather than emotionally volatile, patient rather than easily annoyed) that you’re no longer the same guy she broke up with.
The more respect and attraction you make her feel, the more she will open back up to you.
She stops seeing you as the man who cheated on her and caused her a lot of pain and disappointment.
Instead, she starts seeing you in a new, more positive light and becomes less determined to go through with the divorce right away.
At this point, you need to…
3. Make her feel attracted to you in new ways, based on the parts of the attraction experience that were missing in your marriage
Most guys don’t just wake up one day and decide they’re going to cheat on their wife.
Instead, the relationship has likely been breaking down for a while and the woman has been steadily losing respect, attraction and love for her guy over time.
As a result, she was probably less affectionate and loving towards him and the sex may have even completely dried up.
So, rather than quickly change and improve and start making her feel the way she wants to feel in the marriage with him so she becomes a loving, devoted, affectionate wife to him again, the guy instead looked outside of his relationship for what he wasn’t getting at home.
However, to stop his wife from going through with the divorce, he’s going to have to face what he was avoiding before and start giving her the attraction experience that was missing in the marriage.
He’s going to have to change and improve in the ways that are important to her, so she stops feelings turned off by him and starts wanting to save her marriage.
For example:
- If he took her for granted (e.g. he didn’t pull his weight in the relationship, he expected her to look good for him, but he didn’t do the same for her, he put her in second place to his work, family or friends), he now needs to quickly change and then apologize to her for not being a very good husband to her and for allowing his actions to cause her to feel unloved and unappreciated. He then needs to show her (via his actions and behavior) that he’s learned from his mistake and has become a better, more loving and attentive man as a result.
- If he stopped making her feel like an attractive, desirable woman and instead treated her like a roommate, he now focuses on making her feel like a real woman by being more emotionally masculine around her.
- If he was emotionally distant towards her, he now opens up and is more emotionally available to her. He listens to what she has to say and also expresses himself to her rather than closing up or walking away.
- If he broke his promises to her, he now makes sure that he is a man of his word no matter what.
- If he let her make all the decisions in the marriage because he didn’t want to put up with her nagging or tantrums, he now stands up to her in a lovingly dominant way.
When your wife can see that you’re an upgraded version of the man you were before, she stops being so sure about wanting a divorce.
Her guard comes down and she then becomes more open to talking to you and seeing you, to see if you and her can work things out.
By the way…
4. Don’t ever let her see that you’re feeling desperate, but do show her that you love her and want to save the marriage
Although right now you might be desperate to save your marriage, it’s very important that you don’t show your wife that (e.g. by calling her daily to apologize for what happened, sending her flowers or gifts, writing her long letters, e-mails or texts explaining how you feel).
Why?
If you come on too strong, it can cause her to put up her guard and push you away.
Then rather than think, “I can see by his actions that my husband is really sorry for cheating on me. It looks like he’s learned his lesson and is ready to make it up to me now. I guess I should forgive him and give him another chance,” she will likely feel even more turned off by what she perceives as his attempts to diminish his guilt.
That’s why you need to be calm, confident and in control so that you can re-spark your wife’s feelings of respect, attraction and love for you and get her to change her mind.
Then…
5. After reactivating her feelings for you and bringing her guard down, ask her to give it a few more weeks
Once your wife is feeling a bit more respect and attraction for you again and is more open to talking to you over the phone and seeing you in person, go ahead and ask her to wait for a few weeks before she decides what she wants to do.
For example: You might say something like, “Hey, I know I really stuffed things up and I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m not asking you to forget what I did and forgive me right away, however, I am asking for you to wait a few more weeks before you go through with the divorce. Then, if after that time you decide you still want to go through with it, I promise I will accept your decision and not stand in your way.”
In most cases, the woman will usually say something like, “Okay, fine, I’ll give you a few weeks, but don’t try to weasel your way into asking for anything else,” or “Fine! As long as you give me what I want afterwards, you can have your few weeks.”
However, if she says “No,” don’t panic and start begging and pleading with her and ruin all the progress you’ve made so far in reactivating some of her feelings for you.
Instead, stay calm and confidently say, “Why are you making such a big deal about it? Is it because you secretly still love me and want to stay married?”
She will likely be a bit defensive and say something along the lines of, “No, I don’t!” or, “You wish!” and you can then add, “Look, I’m only asking for a few weeks. What’s the bid deal? After that, you can go ahead and get a divorce and I promise I won’t stop you.”
She will probably then agree, even if it’s just to prove to you that she doesn’t still want to stay married to you.
Then, once she agrees to giving you a few more weeks, you need to…
6. Use the extra time to make her love you in ways she hasn’t ever before
For example: Some of the ways you can do that is by…
- Maintaining your confidence with her when she tries to belittle you for cheating on her and being disdainful towards you.
- Showing her via your actions, conversation style and behavior that you’ve fixed some of the issues that were turning her off before (e.g. you’re more loving and attentive towards her now while still maintaining your masculinity, when you’re with her you give her 100% of your attention rather than being distracted or having a wandering eye, you keep your word to her no matter how difficult it might be).
- Reacting differently to what she says and does, (e.g. rather than get upset with her and start an argument or walk away, you now remain calm and use humor to diffuse the situation).
- Flirting with her to make her feel like a sexy, desirable woman and like you only have eyes for her, rather than being too stiff and formal around her and giving her the impression that you would rather be anywhere else other than with her.
The more she interacts with you and discovers that you’re nothing like the man who cheated on her, the more attracted to you she will become.
Her defenses then start to come down a little bit and she then becomes open to holding off the divorce for a little while longer to see if you and her can actually work things out after all.
Where Guys Go Wrong When Trying to Stop Their Wife From Going Through With Divorce
Right now, you are definitely not in your wife’s good books.
However, you can change that if you ensure that every time you interact with her you spark her feelings just a little bit more than before.
Over time, each small spark will grow and eventually her love will become a raging fire again.
Yet, for that to happen, you have to make sure you don’t make mistakes that will turn her off rather than re-attract her.
For example: 3 mistakes to avoid making are…
1. Thinking that apologizing over and over will make her want the marriage
Sometimes a guy feels so guilty and disgusted with himself for cheating on his wife, that he wants to apologize to her over and over again.
Yet, even though he is genuinely being sincere about his regret for cheating on her, apologizing over and over is not the thing that will convince her to give him another chance.
Why?
Basically, because it doesn’t actually get to the core of the problem.
Instead, he’s just saying how sorry he is, but that doesn’t convince his wife that he won’t do it again the next time another attractive woman comes along and gives him attention.
So, if your wife can’t see any obvious changes in you (e.g. you still have a wandering eye when you’re with her, you and her still argue about the same things as before), your apology to her will feel fake and like you’re only apologizing to her because you think it’s what she wants you to do.
She will then keep rejecting you and saying things like, “Do you really think I can forgive you for what you did? Your apology means nothing to me. It’s just a bunch of empty words! You’re still the same jerk who cheated on me! Go away and leave me alone. I will never forgive you for what you did!”
So, don’t bother apologizing to her again and again.
Instead, apologize to her once in a calm, confident and sincere manner and then let your actions be your proof to her that you really have changed and are now a better, more honest and faithful man than you ever were before.
Another mistake to avoid is…
2. Offering her the same old attraction experience, when she knows that you probably acted differently around the other woman
Sometimes when a woman is threatening to divorce a guy because he cheated on her, he gets so caught up thinking about how terrible he feels, or how difficult it will be to convince his wife to give him another chance, that he remains stuck at the same level he was at when she broke up with him.
In other words, rather than quickly learn from his mistakes and make some attractive changes to his thinking, behavior and the way he treats his wife so that he can re-attract her and make her change her mind, he instead stays the same.
Then, when he attempts to get her back, she doesn’t feel a new spark with him and rejects him, because at the back of her mind she’s likely thinking things like, “I bet he wasn’t like this with her! He was quite the man with her, but with me he still behaves the same as before. So, what he’s asking from me is that I accept the crappy, old, boring version of him, while that tramp got to enjoy him at his best. Well, I’m not falling for it. He isn’t offering me anything that I want right now, so I’m better off divorcing him and finding myself a new man who can make me feel like I want to feel.”
So, if you want your wife to give you another chance, you have to use a different approach with her (e.g. you need to make her feel desirable rather than treat her like the ‘boring wife,’ you need to listen and be supportive of her needs rather than dismiss her as being an overly emotional woman, you need to maintain your dominance with her rather than give in to her just to avoid an argument).
You’ve got to be ready to give her the kind of attraction experience that will cause her to feel like she just has to give you another chance, or else she will regret it for the rest of her life.
Another mistake to avoid is…
3. Trying to discuss his way into making her have feelings
Sometimes a guy will make the mistake of thinking that the only way to make his wife change her mind about divorcing him is by having long discussions about the relationship with her.
He assumes that if he talks to her about why he cheated and then tells her how he’s going to make sure that it never happens again (e.g. by giving her a full account of his whereabouts, showing her all the history on his phone/e-mail/social media pages), she will see that he’s putting in the effort to fix things between them and she will then begin to reconnect with her feelings of love and trust for him.
Yet, even though his intentions are good, discussing the relationship problems in detail, only highlights his betrayal to her and causes her to feel stressed, hurt and like forgiving him and giving him another chance is just too much hard work.
Here’s the thing…
Having serious discussions with your wife about your relationship and why you cheated is something that will definitely have to be done.
However, that comes later when she’s already opened back up to you and agreed to give you another chance, not before.
For now, it’s more important to focus on making her reconnect with her feelings of respect, trust, attraction and love.
So, even if she tries to get serious with you, always steer the conversation back to flirting, humor and feel good emotions, so she can see that she is feeling good around you again.
Her guard will naturally start to slip down and she will then open up to the idea of giving your marriage another chance.
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