There haven’t been any large-scale, scientific studies on the psychology of the 30 Day No Contact Rule.
This is partly why there is so much confusion about it online.
Cutting off contact has worked for some people, but not for most.
Why?
Here are 4 things about the psychology of the 30 Day No Contact Rule that you should know before using it:
1. No contact is mostly used by women to move on from men
Counselors and therapists often recommend No Contact (i.e. not contacting each other for 30 days after a breakup, or separation) for the following reasons:
- To help a woman get away from a man who is making it difficult for her to break up with him.
- To give a woman time to find a replacement man, so she can then feel more confident and empowered to reject her ex.
- To create space so a couple can figure out if they want to get back together.
In some cases, the No Contact Rule results in a man and woman getting back together, but in most cases, it simply results in the woman moving on.
It’s not a bulletproof, works-every-time technique for a man to get a woman back.
In fact, in almost all cases that I’ve come across over the many years I’ve been helping men get women back, the No Contact Rule did not work.
Why?
If a woman isn’t attracted to her ex guy anymore and wants to be broken up, she will rarely, if ever, change her mind about that simply because he doesn’t contact her.
Instead, when he gives her space and waits around for 30 days before contacting her, she will simply begin to move on by dating and sleeping with new men.
Then, when he eventually contacts her, she will have either moved on emotionally, be enjoying single life (i.e. sleeping with new men), or will be in a relationship with a new man.
In some cases though, a guy will wait 30 days and notice that his ex hasn’t contacted him.
He will then decide to wait another 30 or 60 days, to hopefully make the No Contact Rule work.
He will think something like, “The longer I don’t contact her, the more she will miss me and regret leaving me. Then, when I finally contact her, she will be so happy to hear from me that she will want to get back together again right away.”
Yet, when he contacts her, she will often say something like, “Huh? Why are you calling me now? We broke up a long time ago and I’ve moved on. If you had anything to say to me, you should have done it months ago when I still cared. It’s way too late now. I’m over you. I’ve met someone else and I’m happy with him. Please respect my relationship by not contacting me again. I don’t want you causing problems for me and my boyfriend. I wish you all the best. I’m sure you will find the right woman for you one day. Goodbye.”
He is then left feeling shocked, confused and wondering why the No Contact Rule that so many people talk about online didn’t work in his case.
2. Most people who get an ex back using the No Contact Rule are women because some men feel rejected and disempowered by it
The No Contact Rule sometimes works well for women who want to get a guy back.
Why?
If a guy breaks up with a woman and she accepts it right away and doesn’t chase, beg or plead for another chance, it causes him to feel less empowered by the breakup.
If she then doesn’t contact him, he then has to face the fact that she likely doesn’t care and is simply going to move on without him, which causes him to feel rejected by her.
Suddenly, he realizes that he doesn’t have the kind of power over her that he thought he did.
So he then tries to get her back to prove to himself that he can still make her want to be with him.
She then gets him back.
Yet, using the No Contact Rule on a woman after she dumps you doesn’t work in that way for the following reasons:
- If a woman has lost touch with her sexual and romantic feelings for a guy (i.e. is over him, isn’t attracted, not in love anymore), she won’t want him back just because he’s not contacting her. She will simply focus on moving on and won’t care about him.
- Most women don’t need to get a guy back to boost their ego. That’s what many guys do. Why? Many guys like to feel like they own a woman’s heart, so they get her back to prove to they can. Most women don’t care about ‘owning a guy’s heart’ especially if they’re no longer attracted to him. Women want to be with a man who makes them feel the kind of respect, attraction and love they are looking for, rather than get back with a guy who they aren’t attracted to or in love with.
- If she is attractive, she will usually have plenty of guys who are already interested in dating her and waiting for a chance (e.g. male friends, coworkers, friends, ex boyfriends). Alternatively, she will have a lot of options as soon as she opens herself up to dating (i.e. via a dating app, by going to bars, being introduced to guys via friends and so on). So, it will be easy for her to move on and find a replacement man, rather than going back to an ex she isn’t attracted to just because he’s not contacting her.
- If she is average looking, she will usually be able to get plenty of guys interested by simply showing some interest in them. Most guys sleep with average looking women who show interest, even if they have no intention of staying with her. So, a woman like that will move on or enjoy sleeping around, rather than getting back with a guy that she is no longer attracted to just because he’s not contacting her.
- Most women don’t want to risk being rejected by an ex that they dumped. So, if her ex isn’t contacting her, a woman will often assume that he’s no longer interested and will reject her if she contacts him and shows any interest. She will then feel like the one who got rejected, dumped or left behind. So, she will avoid contacting him.
- Most women want a guy to lead the way and guide them back into a relationship, rather than being passive (like women are) and expecting to be led.
So, don’t assume that the No Contact Rule will work on your ex girlfriend, fiance or wife.
It simply doesn’t work as well on women, as it does on men.
If you don’t understand the true psychology of the No Contact Rule, you will almost certainly regret it when you wait 30 days and then discover that she didn’t care and simply moved on.
3. Being apart from someone that you’re no longer sexually attracted to rarely makes you want them back
If you have previous experience with relationships, think about women that you’ve dumped and were no longer attracted to.
- Did you desperately miss her after the breakup, or did you barely care at all due to not feeling attracted to her?
- Did you sit around thinking about her and wishing they would call you, or feel glad to be out of the relationship with her?
- Did you feel sad and lonely if she didn’t contact you and try to get you back?
- Did you chase and try to get her back just because she wasn’t contacting you?
Maybe you considered getting in touch with her when you were horny, or wanted some easy sex for a while.
Alternatively, maybe you never wanted anything else from her because the attraction just wasn’t there on your side.
It didn’t matter if she used the No Contact Rule on you for 30, 60, 90 or even 500 days – you still didn’t want her.
Similarly, when a woman breaks up with a guy that she is no longer attracted to (e.g. because he became insecure in the relationship, wasn’t manly enough), she’s not going to fall apart, panic and rush back to him because he’s not contacting her.
She’s simply going to move on because she’s not attracted to him anymore.
That’s how the majority of breakups work.
If you want a woman back who no longer feels attracted, you need to actively re-attract her by interacting with her.
In most cases, all it takes is one interaction where a guy makes his ex woman feel sparks of attraction for him and everything changes.
Suddenly, she realizes that her feelings for him aren’t dead and worries about regretting it if she doesn’t give him a chance while she still can (i.e. before he attracts a new, quality woman and moves on).
As a result, she opens up and he can then get her back.
That’s how the majority of men get a woman back after a breakup.
It’s not by ignoring her for 30, 60 or 90 days when she’s not attracted to you.
That just doesn’t work in almost all cases.
4. Extreme reactions to a breakup rarely gets an ex back
Completely cutting off contact is an extreme reaction to a breakup and often causes additional problems for the guy, as explained in the previous sections of the article.
Other extreme reactions to a breakup include:
- Begging, pleading and crying to hopefully make her change her mind. Women see that as emotionally weak, desperate and lacking in manliness, which then turns them off even more. Women also see it as manipulative because the guy is trying to seek pity, or make her feel guilty for pushing him to that extreme to get another chance with her.
- Making outrageous promises to do whatever she wants him to do no matter what she asks of him. She knows it will be impossible for him to keep his promises because no one can be perfect all the time and no guy wants to be treated like that forever. Additionally, having that kind of power over her man is not something a woman wants. A woman wants to be able to look up to and respect her man, not look down on him like a desperate guy who will do whatever she wants just to be around her.
- Bombarding her with gifts, flowers or even helping her out financially. A woman sees that as him trying to buy back her love because he has no idea how to be attractive to her. Women don’t fall in love with a guy based on what he can buy for her, but rather how he makes her feel when she’s with him.
- Sending her long emails, or a series of text messages to pour his heart out and remind her of all the good times they shared. See looks at his walls of text and feels turned off by his desperation. She is also reminded of how bad things turned out in the end, compared to when things used to be good between them. If she believes that he doesn’t know what to change, or how to change to be attractive to her again, she will see his emails or texts as a lost, desperate attempt to hopefully get a chance with her. Yet, she doesn’t want to give a chance to a guy who won’t know how to make her feel attracted in the relationship. She wants to be able to respect, feel attracted and love him for real, rather than give him a chance out of pity, or obligation.
- Getting angry with her and accusing her of lying to him about how much she loved him to hopefully make her feel guilty. Yet, it just ends up scaring her and convincing her that she made the right decision to leave him (i.e. because he doesn’t know how to love patiently and maintain control of his emotions when things don’t go his way).
So, if you want to get your ex back for real, don’t resort to extreme measures.
As a man, you need to maintain control of your emotions and confidently guide her back into a relationship while you still can.
Don’t wait 30, 60 or 90 days to start the process.
Give her a few days of space to prove that you’re not being needy and desperate and then begin the process of re-attracting her and getting her back.
That’s how men do it and it works.
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