5 common reasons why a woman will do that:
1. She has mixed feelings about you
Sometimes, a woman will be nice and then mean to her ex boyfriend when she can’t make her mind up about being broken up.
Some days, she feels like she is going to move on and on other days, she misses you and feels like she wants back.
So, when she is being mean, it’s usually when she is feeling confident without you (e.g. after she’s gone out with friends and had a cute guy flirt with her, she accomplished something she knows you would not have supported her in).
When that happens she may start thinking things like, “I’m so glad we’re broken up. I love being single now. I’m free to do what I want, go wherever I want and hang out with whomever I want and there’s no one there to stand in my way. I’m enjoying my sense of freedom.”
As a result, she becomes mean and unfriendly towards you because she doesn’t want you to ruin the feeling of freedom and confidence that she now has.
Yet, on another day, she may be sitting at home all alone and missing what you and her had.
The loneliness causes her to think things like, “I know our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I miss being part of a couple. Maybe breaking up with him wasn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe if I gave him one more chance we could actually work things out between us. I don’t like being alone like this. Maybe I rushed into my decision to break up with him. What if he meets a new girl and moves on? I will feel even worse. I have to contact him.”
Naturally, when she’s feeling like that, she will usually be nicer to you (e.g. call you to chat, text you to say hi, invite you over for coffee, sound happy to hear from you when you reach out to her).
Of course, this might leave you feeling confused and asking “Why is my ex girlfriend nice and then mean?”
In many cases, the answer to that question is: She’s not quite sure if she should fully go through with the break up and cut you out of her life completely.
As a result, she is hot and cold and continues to go through her life waiting for something to happen that will convince her to either break up with you fully and move on (e.g. she meets a new man who make her feel attracted in the ways that she wants), or you and her get back together again (e.g. because you re-spark her feelings for you).
Another possible reason why your ex girlfriend is nice and then mean is…
2. She feels attracted, but you then turn her off again
When a guy gets broken up with, his first instinct is to usually try to convince his ex that he’s changed some of the things that turned her off, so she will then give him another chance.
For example: A guy might realize that he was being too insecure in the relationship with his ex girlfriend and this caused him to react by putting her on a guilt trip every time she wanted to do something without him, or if she interacted with other guys and seemed to be enjoying herself (e.g. she laughed, seemed happy).
So, to convince her that he’s changed, he might pretend to be more confident and self-assured when he interacts with her.
Naturally, when his ex girlfriend sees that he’s more emotionally strong than he used to be, she’s going to feel some respect for him again.
She’s going to feel attracted to the new man that she now thinks he’s become and she’s going to be a little nicer to him.
Yet, because he hasn’t really changed and is only pretending to be more confident in himself and in his value to her, he can’t maintain the façade for very long.
Eventually, she says or does something that sets him off (e.g. she tells him that a guy she knows at work/university asked her out on a date, she talks about how she’s been having so much fun since they broke up).
He then starts behaving in the same insecure, self-doubting ways that he did in the relationship.
She then feels turned off once again.
As a result, she may then start thinking things like, “He’s been pretending that he’s changed, but deep down he’s still the same insecure, needy guy I broke up with. I can’t believe I fell for his lies! He’s not confident! He’s just been putting on an act! I need to make sure that I remain broken up with him. He’s not yet man enough for a girl like me.”
She then starts being mean and bitchy towards him to get him back for tricking her and making her feel as though he had changed, when he really hadn’t.
This is why it’s so important for you to truly change and improve before you interact with your ex.
That doesn’t mean you have to become perfect to get her back, but you do have to genuinely make some improvements to yourself so she can see that you’re better now than you were before.
For example:
- You’re less insecure and self-doubting, so you don’t feel the need to get jealous or control her anymore.
- You’re more emotionally independent, so you don’t need her to be gentle and nice with you to feel okay about yourself.
- You’re emotionally mature, so you don’t feel the need to get into trivial arguments with her and instead, you have the ability to turn a potential argument into something that you and her can laugh about together.
When she experiences those kind of changes in you, she naturally stops being mean to you and opens herself up to the idea of being in a relationship with you again.
She gets the feeling that you really have changed and more importantly, she really does feel differently around you now.
Another possible reason why your ex girlfriend is nice and then mean is…
3. She is testing to see if you will lose confidence in yourself
Whether meeting a man for the first time, being in a relationship with him or interacting with him after a break up, a woman is instinctively attracted to a man’s confidence and turned off by his insecurity and self-doubt.
So, after a break up, a woman will usually test her ex’s confidence before she lets down her guard and opens herself up to giving him another chance.
There are many things she can do to test him, but one of the most common ways is to be nice to him one minute and then mean to him the next.
Essentially, she wants to see how strong of a man he really is.
For example:
- Is he going to crumble and start doubting his chances with her just because she isn’t being nice all the time?
- Will he beg and plead with her to tell him what he’s doing wrong and why she’s treating him that way?
- Will he walk away and give up on getting her back just because she’s being a little mean?
- Will he be extra nice and sweet to her (especially when she’s being mean to him) in the hope that she will be nice to him again?
If he reacts in any of those ways, it will prove to her that he’s not really the man she wants to be in a relationship with.
A woman will usually then stop being nice to her ex and focus on being mean as a way of pushing him away for good.
On the other hand, if her ex remains confident no matter what she says and does, or how she treats him during interactions, she won’t be able to stop herself from feeling a renewed sense of respect for him as a man.
When she feels that respect, she will then start to feel attracted again and when that happens, her defenses will come down and she will open herself up to reconciling with him and getting back together.
Another possible reason why your ex girlfriend is nice and then mean is…
4. She is stringing you along and doesn’t intend to get back with you because she can see that you haven’t really changed
If a woman interacts with her ex and gets a sense that nothing about him has really changed since they broke up (e.g. he’s still unsure of himself around her and other people, he hasn’t made any progress on his goals in life, he hasn’t improved his ability to make her feel attracted), she’s not going to open herself up to him.
Instead, she might string him along by being nice to him at times, so he feels like there is still hope.
Yet, her real motives for being nice are to give herself an ego boost when she sees that he is desperately hoping to get her back (i.e. she feels as though she is the more valuable one in the relationship).
Alternatively, she is doing it to get emotional revenge on him for hurting her, or just for something fun to do until she meets the right guy for her (e.g. she keeps her ex around as a texting buddy and then eventually breaks his heart by telling him that she has met someone else, she really likes him and they are getting serious).
However, to make sure that her ex doesn’t get too sure of himself, she will also act mean at times to show him that he isn’t quite there yet with her.
Then, if she gets tired of toying with him, or if she hooks up with a new man, she can easily cut him out of her life, without it being that much of a big deal to her.
Of course, not all women are that mean, but many guys do encounter a complete change in their woman after a break up.
This is why you can’t leave it up to your ex to call the shots in the ex back process.
Rather than feeling unsure of yourself around her and possibly even thinking things like, “Which version of her will I get today? Is she going to be nice or mean to me?” just stand your ground with her and show her (in a loving, but dominant way) that you’re not going to let her push you around anymore.
In other words, take control of your interactions with her and begin sparking some of her feelings of respect and attraction for you again (e.g. by making her laugh and smile, rather than sulking, seeming confused or seeking pity because she is being a little mean to you).
When she can see for herself that you really are a different man now, she will automatically stop wanting to string you along, because it will no longer feel right to her.
Instead, she will want to talk to you on the phone and meet up with you in person, so she can experience the new you for herself and see where things go from there.
So, make sure that you take control of the situation, rather than leaving it all up to her.
Guide her back into a relationship with you, rather than hoping that she guides you back into a relationship and is nice and sweet about it the whole way.
Another possible reason why your ex girlfriend is nice and then mean is…
5. You’re misinterpreting her texts
Sometimes a guy will feel as though his ex is being nice if she includes a smiley face or exclamation mark when she sends him a text message.
Additionally, he might also feel as though she is being mean if she replies in a short, unimpressed way, or says something without using emoticons to make him feel good about himself.
For example: If a woman texts something like, “Lol 😀 It’s over between us 🙂 You need to accept that,” with a love heart on the end, or with some additional text saying, “I will always hold a special place for you in my heart, but we can’t get back together” it would be a little easier for a guy to accept than if she sent a seemingly ‘blunt’ or ‘cold-hearted’ text saying, “It’s over. You need to accept that.”
With the first text, a guy might think, “Okay, well, she is being nice to me and is even admitting there’s a special place in her heart for me. Maybe, over time, she will be able to change her mind and we can then get back together again. After all, she still has a place for me in her heart. She even put in a heart emoticon. Who does that if they aren’t feeling some love? Maybe she really does still love me…”
In comparison, the second text might seem mean, cold and distant to him and he may feel quite dejected, or as though he doesn’t have a chance with her anymore.
Yet, here’s the thing…
Texts can easily be misinterpreted because, since you can’t hear her tone of voice or see her body language, you have to guess at what tone of voice she would be using or how she would be coming across in terms of her body language and vibe.
She might actually be crying or feeling heartbroken when she sends you a seemingly cold or distant text, but you don’t know that.
This is why you shouldn’t just stick to text when trying to get an ex back.
You should get to a phone call and in person meet up, as long as you are properly ready to attract her in person.
Don’t go to the meet up if you’re going to turn her off with nervousness or self-doubt, or if she’s going to see that you’re heartbroken and really need her back.
Only go to the meet up when you are ready to properly re-attract her.
If you meet up with her and are not able to make her feel attracted, she may decide that she doesn’t want to see you again after that, which makes the process of getting her back more difficult.
So, make sure that you are prepared to make her feel attracted to you as you talk to her.
4 Ways That Guys Go Wrong When Interacting With an Ex Girlfriend Who is Nice and Then Mean
Women are instinctively attracted to men who are more emotionally strong and self-assured than to those who are emotionally weak or insecure.
So, when a woman is being nice and then mean to her ex guy, it’s often her way of testing him to see if he now has the qualities that she ideally wants in a man.
If he can handle her flip-flopping behavior, she will automatically start to feel respect for him again.
Yet, if he loses confidence in himself and becomes nervous and insecure when he interacts with her, it will only confirm to her that she made the right decision to break up with him and move on.
So, if you don’t want your ex girlfriend to feel like she has to move on, you need to make sure you avoid making the following mistakes with her when she’s being nice and then mean to you:
1. Seeking pity for how upset or confused she is making you feel by being nice and then mean
As tempting as it might be for a guy to want to say to his ex girlfriend, “Please stop it. Why are you being like this to me? One minute you’re all nice and sweet towards me and the next you’re being so mean. I don’t understand why you are doing this to me. Don’t you care about my feelings at all? Do you realize that I care about you, love you and want you back? So, you’re just messing with my feelings when you’re nice and then mean. Please just stop it!” it’s usually a bad idea.
Why?
If he tries to make her feel pity for him, she feels turned off by his emotional weakness and inability to handle the feminine nature of a woman (i.e. that women test a man’s confidence by changing their mood and behavior).
When she sees that he can’t handle a woman like her, it makes her want to move on from him even more.
So, don’t bother trying to make your ex girlfriend feel pity for how she’s making you feel and focus instead on re-sparking her feelings of respect and attraction for you.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
2. Asking her to be more consistent
Sometimes a guy will get so frustrated with his ex’s erratic behavior towards him, that he might say something like, “One minute you’re nice and then next you are mean. Why are you being like this? Just be one way or the other, so I can know where I stand.”
Yet, rather than make her think, “He’s right, I need to be more consistent in my behavior, so he feels confident about my feelings for him,” it usually only makes a woman close herself off even more.
Why?
If a woman breaks up with a guy because he has lost her respect, attraction and love, she usually won’t feel motivated to want to help him get her back by being consistent and making things easy for him.
If he can’t figure out how to reactivate her feelings for him without her help, then she will just focus on getting over him by moving on with someone else.
Additionally, it’s not a woman’s role to have to be consistent for a man.
A man needs to be consistent in his reaction to a woman, regardless of her tests of his confidence.
When a man is able to do that (i.e. because he is emotionally strong and emotionally independent), then a woman will be much more consistent because she won’t feel much of a need to test him.
She will still test him from time to time, but it will be much less than if she wasn’t sure of his ability to remain confident.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
3. Trying to get her to commit to the idea of a relationship via text
In some cases, a guy will assume that he stands a better chance of getting her back if he asks her to give him another chance via text.
For example: He may think, “She’s been hot and cold lately, so if I ask her on a phone call or in person, she will likely reject me. Maybe if I ask her to get back together again via text, it will give her enough time to think about it before she replies, so she won’t be as mean. I won’t be putting her on the spot and causing her to go from being nice to me to being mean, simply because she doesn’t know how else to react in that moment. So, I’ll just text her and give her a chance to think about it.”
Yet, if a woman currently has little or no feelings for her ex, getting a text from him trying to get her to commit to a relationship only makes her close herself off even more.
Why?
Essentially, because she can’t see his body language, hear the tonality of his voice, or judge his actions and behavior in person or on a phone call, she judges him based on her past experiences with him (e.g. near the end of the relationship, he may have become insecure, needy, lacked self-motivation, was emotionally wimpy or even fell into the habit of getting angry and irritated with her over trivial things).
She then just assumes that he’s asking her for a relationship via text because he hasn’t really changed and is too afraid to face her, where she will be able to see it for herself.
Here’s the thing…
Texts don’t show your true self (e.g. confident, self-assured, at a different emotional level than when you broke up with your ex), so your ex will naturally interpret them based on her current perception of you.
In other words, if your ex girlfriend currently thinks of you in a negative way, she’s probably going to look at your texts in a negative way.
This is why asking her for another chance should be done in person and only after you have first reactivated her feelings of respect and attraction for you.
If you want to get your ex back, you have to follow the correct sequence of steps.
Miss a step and it will almost certainly result in a, “No” from her.
You can get her back, but you’ve got to do it right.
Another mistake to avoid making is…
4. Trying to get her to commit to the idea of a relationship even though the feelings aren’t mutual yet
You may still truly love your ex and really want her back, but at the moment, she probably doesn’t feel the same way about you.
So, if you ask her to get back together again, chances are she’s going to respond by being mean and saying something along the lines of, “No. I told you that it’s over between us. Why can’t you accept that and move on? You’re being so annoying. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore” or, she might be nice and saying something like, “I know you mean well and I do still care for you, but I just don’t see us being a couple again. I’m really sorry.”
Here’s the thing…
For a woman to commit to the idea of being in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, the feelings have to be mutual (or at least close to mutual).
It can’t just be about you really loving her and wanting her back for your own reasons.
Instead, she has to feel as though if she doesn’t get back with you right away, she will be losing the love of her life.
You can make her feel that way, but it won’t happen by asking her for another chance for your own reasons.
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