Are you confident and easy-going around women that you don’t find attractive, but freeze up around women you really like?
Does your mind sometimes go blank when talking to a girl you like? Do you sometimes notice women that you’d like to approach and who seem open to you, but you freeze up and let the opportunity slip through your fingers?
If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, don’t worry – most guys experience that. So, how can you get over it and start being the confident guy around women that you know you can be?
Tip 1: Learn How to Attract Women
The main reason why guys freeze up around girls they like is that they don’t even know how to make her feel attracted.
Most guys know how to get women to “like” them as a person, but making her feel sexually attracted to you is a completely different thing altogether. Watch this video to understand how attraction between men and women really works…
Tip 2: Build Up Your Confidence to Approach the Women You Find Attractive
When you know how to attract women, approaching them becomes less of a big deal because you know that most of the women you approach will be attracted and interested in you.
However, if you’re like most guys, you can rarely work up the courage to approach and talk to the girls you really like. This, by the way, will become a HUGE advantage for you when you actually build up the confidence to approach women.
When you are one of the rare guys who isn’t afraid of approaching and talking to pretty girls, you will notice that there is hardly any competition. Most guys just wait in the shadows hoping that women “like” them enough to approach or give a signal that they want to be approached.
Yet, women rarely do that unless a guy is really good looking. Most guys (including me), don’t get approached by women because of their looks, so they have to grow a pair of balls, walk up to the girl and then make her feel attracted in ways other than looks.
Tip 3: Stop Trying to Be Liked For Being Nice
There’s nothing wrong with being the good guy that you are, but being nice to a woman isn’t what makes her wet.
If you want a woman feel sexually attracted to you, it won’t happen by being nice to her. You have to make her feel sexually attracted to you in other ways (e.g. being confident, having a masculine vibe, making her laugh, etc).
Watch this video to understand why being too nice to women rarely works…
Tip 4: Be a Bit of a Challenge to Impress
If a woman is attractive, most guys will be willing to have sex with her simply based on her appearance. Many of those guys will also be willing to start a relationship with her, even if she doesn’t have the type of personality that he really wants.
After a while, a woman gets bored of this and hopes to meet a guy who is a bit more of a challenge to impress…
Tip 5: Improve Your Conversation Skills
If you often run out of things to say when talking to women you like, most of those women won’t help you out. They would rather lose the opportunity to be with you than guide you through the process of picking them up.
To be successful at picking up women for sex or a relationship, you have to be able to keep a conversation going and keep it interesting for long enough for you and the woman to truly connect with each other.
If a woman is attractive, most of the guys who see her will be willing to have sex with her. To stand out from the crowd, you’ve got to be able to make her feel attracted to you during a conversation and then create a unique and unforgettable connection.
Here are some classic conversation mistakes that guys make, which ruin the attraction and cancel out the chance of creating an enjoyable connection…
Being Confident Around Women is Within Your Control
If you get tongue tied around beautiful women, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever get to a point where you are completely confident and in control.
The reason why you freeze when you talk to her is because you are putting more focus on the conversation going on inside your head, rather than the conversation you’re having with her.
For example: You might be thinking, “Does she like me?” or “What should I say?” or “How can I impress her?” rather than just being confident, relaxed and allowing the interaction to play out.
Women are turned off by guys who are too “in their head” during a conversation because it indicates a lack of confidence. A woman knows that she will have the best type of sexual experience with a guy who isn’t worried about messing up or impressing her.
When having sex with a guy, a woman wants him to not worry about a thing and just be who he is. The same applies to when you’re talking to her and seducing her into a sexual relationship; she doesn’t want you to be worrying a lot and trying hard to impress her.
As long as you are making the woman feel attracted to you, there is no need to try hard to impress her or get her to like you because she will already be impressed and like you because she feels attracted to you.
If you want to be successful at picking up women, you have to start everything off with attraction. If you approach and talk to women and try to get them to “like” you, most women will get bored and play hard to get.
After a while, she will either leave the conversation, reject you or simply hook up with another guy in front of you who is actually making her feel attracted…
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Hi Dan
Thanks for your question.
Sounds like you did fine. By the style of your writing, I’m guessing you’re quite young and so is she. My guess is that she was nervous, shy and unsure what to do.
Most guys don’t realize that women are usually just as (or more) nervous than guys. She probably had a zit that day, or had her period and felt all insecure about it. Stuff like that.
Next time you see her say, “Hey Jackie – how’s it going? Far out, last time I tried to call out to you it seemed like you ran as fast as you could! Lol…what was with that? Did I smell bad that day?” and see what she says. The best way to find out what the hell is going on is to talk directly about it. There’s no point trying to guess what is going on in a woman’s mind…chicks can be funny/weird about things sometimes just like guys can.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
I’m always scared before the approach since I’m the worse at conversation – I rarely can even keep a conversation going with my friends. For this reason I never approach, what should I do? Things seem hopeless for me.
Hey David
Thanks for your question.
Usually, a guy will have this fear because he assumes that he needs to say something amazingly interesting, or that what he has to say isn’t going to be interesting to most people.
The truth is, most people just talk about ordinary, everyday stuff. Also, most people really don’t care what you say anyway because most are not good listeners and only listen to about 20-40% of what you’re saying.
When it comes to approaching women, I personally just walk up and say, “How’s it going…I’m Dan” and the women can see that I already know I’m good enough for them and don’t need to impress them.
If that sounds a little too advanced for you, I recommend you listen to The Ultimate Guide to Conversation and try out some of the beginner to advanced conversation starters (there are 70+ in the program) and dialogue examples to keep conversations going and keep them interesting:
http://www.themodernman.com/the_ultimate_guide_to_conversation.html
Cheers
Dan
P.S. Also, did you know that women actually WANT to be approached. Listen to this: http://www.themodernman.com/street_talk_with_women.html
hey dan&guys!
can I ask you a question?
in http://www.themodernman.com/street_talk_with_women.html you sounded like an outgoing, smiley guy 🙂 Isn’t that true with women that the more alpha male you are the more attracted are the beautiful women to you? And I guess alpha males don’t laugh that much…
I myself recently tried the “tony montana” personality so I smile less, swear more, don’t give a f*ck and I does wonders!
So isn’t it true that the more dominant you are the more success you have?
I also know a guy who may be gook-looking, but never tries so make conversation or be outgoing and still he dates the hottest chicks…(and those chicks are very hot with great social skills….) How’s that possible? I just can’t get it…
Maybe I’m interpreting the whole thing wrong but you are rather nice then dominant, right? Then why it’s working?
Thank you a lot! and I wish you the very best! 🙂
Cheers,
Tomy 🙂
Hi Alex
Thanks for your question.
What are you hoping that women do? Smile and say, “Heyyyy…come and approach me!” It’s not going to happen.
Most women are actually afraid of showing interest in a guy before he approaches, because she thinks it might make a guy see her as easy or cheap.
You simply have to trust in the fact that women do want to be approached and it is your role as a guy to approach. I recommend you start by reading my book and learning what to say and do when you approach a woman so she wants to give you her number and go on a date with you:
http://www.themodernman.com/the_flow.html
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
I’ve got VERY similar problem to the one you are describing in the article.
Most of the time I AM confident (sometimes even overconfident so sometimes I try to be less confident/arrogant), charming, funny, etc. BUT in some situations I just freeze.
And not only if I’m surrounded by women.
The deal is that if I’m new in a group that is really high energy and fun I usually do get speechless. I feel that whatever I say – it’s not appropriate and I analyze a lot if I should say something. I also analyze what to say in general. I feel that what I say would kill the fun, if I said something a little different from the present topic… So I don’t dare to come up with new topics (also I can’t relate – I just go blank) and I automatically let other lead the conversation. I just can’t get “on the wave”, can’t vibe at all.
I know that’s not who I am, because I know I can be fun etc(e.g I don’t have problems approaching girls in public,…). I just realized I often happens to me if I’m in groups where others are cool and relaxed even if they are trying to help me out to join the conversation with them… I just can’t catch on and be myself.
Do you have any advice?
Thanks a lot 🙂
Hi Tomy
Thanks for your question.
You said, “I feel that whatever I say – it’s not appropriate and I analyze a lot if I should say something.”
The cool guys, the naturals and the guys that everyone loves to hang out with just say whatever they want. Deep down, they have the mindset that whatever they say is going to be cool, so they just talk freely. They also believe that people want to hear what they have to say.
Personally, I never think about what I’m going to say. I know that sometimes I will make a “mistake” and say something that isn’t the best thing I could have said, but that only happens 1-2% of the time…and people don’t care anyway. I just laugh AT IT and admit that it was stupid, which people then see as charming. So, it is never a problem…it actually ends up working in my favor.
Don’t try to be perfect, because no one is and you will never be. Just talk, love people and have a good time. Nothing else matters when you’re chatting socially.
BTW: Sounds like you need to listen to Mastery Methods & Mindsets. Your insecurities are getting in the way of you being your true self. Mastery Methods & Mindsets will fix that for you: http://www.themodernman.com/mastery_methods_and_mindsets.html
Dan
Hi Dan,
I’ve got one similar question on you!
What if someone freezes up in social environments? How to break free from the false persona I have here? I can talk free normally but sometimes I just am tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. What to do immediately in that situation?
Also relating question – in The Flow you mentioned the difference between rational environments(library,…) and emotional high energy environments(house parties,….) and gave some examples what to do in a rational environments. Can you give some advice on what to do in an irrational environment – how to be irrational and funny? What mindsets I’ve got to have? How to get on that vibe and totally break free of a social persona?
Thanks! 🙂
Have a great day!
Dan!
Can you please please please please please tell me how to stop caring about what people think in social situations its driving me insane!
I’ve listened to all your programs and I understand the concept of no-oone cares when you guys explained it in your mindsets program but still can’t shake it off.
I try to not think about it when I find myself wondering in that direction and say stuff like ‘NO its stupid remember what Dan said’ ‘most people are concerned with themselves’ etc doesn’t really do much.
I’ve used your techniques to become present there has been times in the past I’ve been present for an entire two weeks and I can get it going on odd days aswell but I generally am in my head most of the time.
I don’t understand I make an effort to change my mindsets I have loads of positive evidence that I’ve experienced when I’ve been more present (people respond better to me, conversations are better, my life is enjoyable) but why does my mind keep drifting back into that insecure way of thinking when it makes me miserable? I don’t get it.
Why can’t my mind just accept thats the way it works. I’ve been doing this for months now and its not getting any easier. I can’t target what it is that happens when I get out of my head I can’t distingush the thoughts or the process I use when it works its just pot luck! Theres never any consistency and it gets really tiring constantly having to think my way out of situations when I’m thinking about unhelpful things.
If you could give me a breakdown of the process that would be badass.
Thanks
Mickie
Hi Michael
Thanks for your question.
You’ll be glad to know that there is a simple solution. Go to the Confidence Building System in Dating Power where I talk about bridging mindsets. You need to bridge yourself from the old world (of of unnecessary nervousness, insecurity and fear) to the new world of confidence. You are currently on your way and the bridge is almost secure. You don’t have to start building again from scratch each time – just “finish the construction of the bridge” and leave the old world behind.
You also said, “in the past I’ve been present for an entire two weeks and I can get it going on odd days” However, it takes a couple of months of consistent effort to change a previous habit into a new one. You are almost there. Stay positive and use bridging mindsets. Make sure you watch that section in Dating Power again, it is the critical piece to the puzzle.
Cheers
Dan
Hey Dan
Cool I’ll give the bridging mindsets a go. I’ve found when I get positive experiences its quite easy to get it going because your mind adjusts and you can build that momentum it actually just switches onto auto. Its harder when your trying to think your way out of an unhelpful state of mind and remember evidence thats weeks old.
Thanks
Mickie
Hi Dan I have a situation with a girl i went out with a couple of years ago she broke it off and she went back to here old boyfriend. Since then every so often we have contact and nearly got back to together last year didnt workout she gets cold feet?.So i went for a hols to asia with my daughter and she made contact with there me again asking would i like to go on hols with her next year it came out of the blue .We did have contact via sms earlier she asked me was i over her yet .Since then we meet up shortly told itold her i done a dating site what waste of time !now she wants to do it She told me when were together she gets butterflys and thinks im hot .Since then we have arranged to spend a weekend together soon but she wants to date other men and party yet still wants to hols together and maybe settle down after We have very little contact i have so many mixed feelings doin my head in. Thanks Dan
Hi Mal
At the moment, she’s just stringing you along until something better comes along. She contacted you because she was lonely, not because she thinks you’re “the one.” She knows she doesn’t want to settle down and simply wants to have sex with you, hang out, etc. Don’t look at her as a serious girlfriend. Treat her the way she wants to be treated. Ironically, that will make her change and want you for real.
If you want to learn more about how to turn the tables so a woman is chasing you, watch Better Than a Bad Boy.
Cheers
Dan
hi dan I’m going out with this girl and she’s my girlfriend now.Here’s the problem,i see her everyday and when she walks past me i try to talk to her but,I open my mouth and nothing.I had no absolute problem talking to her when we weren’t together but now i can’t even say hello.I mean i can wave hello and goodbye but i can’t say it.It’s like all i can do now is look at her walk past me and stand there all quite not saying a thing.There was even one time were she said she was going to break up with me if i didn’t talk to her or start a conversation.So can yo tell me how to start a coversation,and be funny in the conversation because It’s really hard to make her laugh Thanks Dan.
Hi LA
Thanks for your comment.
Lol…she’s your girlfriend, but you can’t talk to her? How old are you dude? This sounds like something a young boy would ask. If you’re old enough, you need to read my book The Flow and learn what you need to do. If I was to reply with advice for you, I’d have to write the whole book here in a comment because you have a lot to learn by the sound of it.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
This article got me thinking. I’ve read the Flow (twice now, great ebook) and am working up the courage to use it. Without even thinking about it, I’ve been able to spark attraction for girls I’m not attracted to. Wasn’t even trying to attract them but it has given your techniques in the Flow LOADS of credit for what it teaches. It’s funny that when I don’t think about it, I spark attraction on girls I’m not interested in just because I’m not afraid to lose their interest. However, when I want to use the Flow on a very great looking chick, my entire mindset changes. I’m partially concerned about offending her with any words I intend to use for playful cockiness or flirting and tend to step back when the girl appears offended or with a “Who the hell do you think you are” sort of expression on her face. I guess I still feel intimidated. I know I have it in me if I could use the same mindset as I seem to have with girls I’m not attracted to. I can’t work myself to want a relationship with a girl I’m not physically attracted to, even if her personality is one I’d kill for in a future gf/wife. Call it selfish, I really think I deserve better and its DEFINITELY not fair on that girl to not have that proper love she deserves to have from her partner. Any advice mate? Has this happened to you before your mastery?
Thanks.
Hi Josh
Thanks for your positive feedback and question.
Yes, my advice is: Use The Flow! You’re getting results already because you’ve unconsciously adopted SOME of the mindsets that are taught in The Flow. Next, you actually need to go through the 4 steps of The Flow. Right now, you’ve got the keys to a Ferrari and you’re just sitting there thinking, “Should I drive it? What if I have a crash? What if I make a mistake?” Drive! Approach!
Always remember this: https://twitter.com/Dan_Modern_Man/status/262269846182588416
Cheers
Dan
P.S. You would benefit a LOT from watching Coaching Call Breakthroughs. The client I coach in the first session is just like you.
Hi Dan,
I’ve had my eyes set on this one girl I have yet to meet. I started seeing her around occasionally and I’ve been reading up on The Fliw and watching Dating Power to muster up courage to approach her. A couple of days back, I left at night feeling pumped for this sort of challenge and whilst waiting for a mate of mine, BANG! There she was with a girl mate if hers chatting in the same spot. My supposed confidence suddenly just dropped as I pretty much froze and suddenly had no guts to approach. The willpower I had initially just flowed right out of me quicker than I could breath out Carbon Dioxide. All the same, I was telling myself that this was my one chance to get to know her. I had a couple of minutes of constant internal fighting over approaching and staying put. I ended up just turning my body towards her and literally looking straight into her eyes and down at her body, main idea hopefully was that she’d get a message through. She was pretty busy chatting with her mate so I’m not sure if she noticed me checking her out. She left some seconds later and I was left feeling empty. My question, was my initial approach considered sleazy? Should I have just introduced myself to them both? I think theoretically I know the answer but in practice it felt totally different! Thanks.
Hey Josh
Thanks for your question.
Mate, why didn’t you use a bridging mindset? Make sure you are using the advice from Dating Power. It only works if you use it. These guys have used the advice: http://www.themodernman.com/success/modern-man-success-stories.html
You wouldn’t be asking me that if you’d used a bridging mindset and some (or all) of the Confidence Boosters from Dating Power.
No. Your initial approach wasn’t sleazy, it was weak. However, she doesn’t care. All women care about is whether you are truly confident when you interact with them. Go through the Confidence Building System in Dating Power and make yourself confident.
Cheers
Dan