Are you getting into regular verbal fights with your girlfriend, even though you love her and would rather not be arguing?
Does it sometimes feel like you and your girlfriend are more like enemies than lovers? Does it seem like your girlfriend actually enjoys annoying you and then getting into arguments?
Don’t worry, you are not alone.
Over the years, hundreds of guys have written in to me seeking help with their relationship and looking for a solution to stop the arguments and bring back the harmony.
A recent example was this, “Dan…my girlfriend and I keep fighting over the smallest things. Why do we always argue about trivial stuff that doesn’t even matter? I explode at her and get angry and then she starts crying and I regret it. How can I get things back to how they used to be when we were happy and in love? How can I stop her from wanting to get into arguments with me?”
A Simple Solution to Stop a Lot of the Arguments
If you’re always arguing with your girlfriend, it means that you’re taking her too seriously.
Instead of being offended, angry, annoyed or shocked by what she says or does, just smile, laugh and relax because most of the time, she’s just doing it to test you.
Most women will test you by throwing a tantrum, saying something mean or acting like they don’t want you or love you.
What she is hoping to see is that nothing she says or does stops you from feeling confident, being happy loving her fearlessly.
She wants to see that you can still laugh, smile and be emotionally secure no matter what she says.
Why?
It’s a woman’s natural instinct.
We live in a challenging world and women instinctively seek to align themselves with a man who makes them feel safe because he remains strong and in control no matter what.
When you can see that she’s just trying to test you, it makes it easier to not feel angry.
Instead, you can just smile, laugh (at her sometimes too) and deal with the situation in a more light-hearted way.
Instead of taking her bitchiness, cold behavior, frustration or tantrums so seriously, just relax and let it play out.
Don’t take it personally.
It’s not about you, it’s about her.
She’s just acting on her female instincts.
When you can just relax and let the situation play out, it will feel better for both of you and the arguments will begin to stop.
She will see that no matter what she says or does, you remain in control of your emotions.
When she can see that you have changed the way you react to her and no longer get angry or lose control of your emotions, it actually makes her feel more respect for you as a man.
When a woman feels more respect for you, she feels more attracted to you and she will then open herself up more deeply to the love that you share together.
Arguments Are Good… Sometimes
An argument between you and girlfriend (fiance or wife) can actually be used as a source of sexual tension and desire, as well as a way to deepen your love and respect for each other.
How so?
When your woman sees that no matter how much of a tantrum she throws during an argument, you still retain your masculinity (i.e. by not losing control of your emotions like a woman would and instead maintaining control of your emotions), it turns her on at a deep level.
Why?
Women are attracted to the strength in men (e.g. confidence, masculinity) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. insecurity, lack of confidence, lack of masculinity).
Most of what a woman finds attractive about a man is based on things that cannot be seen. It’s not about his physical appearance, but about who he is as a guy.
A woman will usually start an argument to test how you will respond. Will you back down out of fear of losing her? Will you respond like a woman by losing control of your emotions? If you don’t respond like a man, she will lose attraction, respect and love for you…and start even more arguments!
When your girlfriend is able to feel more respect and attraction to you based on how you respond to her feminine challenges of your masculinity, it changes the way she feels about you and the way she treats you.
When you begin to maintain control of your emotions and “be the man” in the situation, you will notice that she will begin to behave in a more of a loving and caring way towards you, which in turns makes you make you love her more and feel more sexual attraction for her.
It’s a win-win outcome for both of you.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you should start arguments time just to create sexual tension by showing her that you can maintain control of your emotions, but arguments are definitely one way of recharging your sexual attraction for each other and adding to the love that you share.
From now, don’t be worried, annoyed or confused about the presence of arguments in your relationship.
Instead, use them as an opportunity to deepen your love, respect and attraction for each other.
You Don’t Gain Points By Winning Arguments With Her
It might feel like a good idea to show her how smart you are by winning every argument you have with her, but it isn’t. No matter how many arguments you win, she just keeps starting new ones, right?
If you are focused on winning the arguments and proving to her that she should listen to you, then you’re approaching arguments with her in the wrong way.
The truth is, no one is perfect and it’s impossible for you to know everything about everything, or to do everything perfectly and correctly in life.
You are human, just like she is and all humans sometimes make mistakes in how they think, behave and act. So, instead of trying to prove to her that you know it all and that you are a better person that her, just relax.
If you have made a mistake in how you’ve been thinking, talking to her, behaving around her or acting, just admit it and she will soon shut up. However, if she has made a mistake, don’t expect her to admit it if you’re arguing with her.
Instead of telling her that she’s wrong, stupid or crazy for saying or doing whatever she did, just ask her to explain why. Let her explain herself and try to understand where she is coming from, even if her way of thinking seems wrong to you.
In some cases, you will find that there was simply a miscommunication or misunderstanding between you that blew up into an argument because you both didn’t understand each other properly.
So, don’t focus on winning an argument every time to show her how right you are. Instead, use the argument as an opportunity to clear away any negative tension that has been getting in the way of your love for each other.
When in a relationship, you have to let the love flow freely, rather than allowing trivial disagreements or misunderstandings destroy it.
If it means that you have to admit making a mistake in how you were thinking, acting or behaving, do it right away.
Don’t hesitate to say, “Oh, okay…I was wrong. My mistake…I didn’t know that you were trying to say that.”
It’s better to approach your girlfriend in that way than always trying to make her apologize to you and look like the one who is causing problems or making mistakes.
It’s better to be supportive and compassionate towards your girlfriend, rather than acting like her enemy who is trying to bring her down or make her life a misery.
Why? Well, one reason why is that the love between a man and a woman is not unconditional.
The love between a boyfriend and girlfriend is not the type of love that will be there no matter what.
To remain in love with each other, you’ve got to take care of the love and build on it over time rather than taking it for granted.
In 1900, the divorce rate was less than 10% for most of the developed world. These days, it’s around 50% for most developed countries because women no longer have to stay in an unhappy relationship or marriage.
So, you can’t just expect her to stick around for life is you aren’t even willing to be a loving boyfriend who adds happiness to her life rather than taking it away.
To avoid ruining the love that you share with your current girl, make sure that you take care of it, develop it and deepen it over time.
When you approach your relationship in the right way, you can be like one of those couples that you’ve seen who are still madly in love 40 or 50 years into their relationship.
That is what’s possible when you do it right.
However, if you make the mistake of thinking that she will stick around no matter what, you might be shocked one day when she says something like, “I’m leaving you. I can’t take this anymore.”
Don’t Let Her “Have Her Way” to Avoid an Argument
A huge mistake that some guys make in a relationship is to let the woman run the show or “have her way” all the time.
You may have heard a “man” sheepishly say, “I’ll have to ask the boss” in reference to getting permission from his girlfriend or wife for something. While this might seem as though the guy is merely respecting the relationship that he has with his woman, he is actually turning her off on a deep level.
A woman doesn’t want to feel like she is a man’s mother or big sister. She wants him to respect her, love her, want her and care about her, but not fear her. She wants him to say and do whatever he wants, as long as he still loves her, respects her, wants her and cares about her.
When it comes to arguments, some guys make the mistake of just letting the woman “win” so he can avoid an argument. Yet, that is also deeply unattractive to women. Women are not attracted to wimpy guys who don’t have a backbone to stand up for themselves.
What a woman wants to see is that if you believe in something, you will stand up for it, but you won’t get crazy about it with her. You will be assertive and strong, but you will also be open-minded and respectful enough to listen to her opinion.
Try to Understand Her Point of View
In almost every case, you will find that you and your girlfriend both have good intentions with each other. However, despite having good intentions, you will sometimes be misunderstood and an argument might flare up all of sudden.
During an argument, neither one of you will probably enjoy being told that you’re wrong, selfish, inconsiderate, annoying or anything else that isn’t positive.
From your perspective, you feel like you’re doing the right thing because you have good intentions, but from the other person’s perspective, you’re going about it in the wrong way.
The solution is always to seek first to understand her and what she is thinking and feeling, before you try to get her to understand you. Why? In many cases, you will find that her explanation alerts you to a misunderstanding between you or an opportunity to improve your relationship.
For example: She might be angry at you for sitting down and watching TV all night, but you have no idea why she would complain about it so you become annoyed with her.
When you dig deeper, you might find that she wants to have more of a balance in life where you and her get out of the house more often. She might also be annoyed at you because you’re not rising through the levels of life and reaching for your true potential as a man.
Instead, you’re just doing enough to get by and live a comfortable life, but you’re not striving for bigger and better things.
She may not be able to express that to you, but all women instinctively want to be a man who is reaching for his true potential, rather than hiding from it behind his relationship with her.
If you don’t seek to understand where she is really coming from, nothing will ever get solved and arguments will continue to flare up between you. Once you’ve found out where your girlfriend is coming from, make sure that she seeks to understand your point of view also.
Discuss, Don’t Attack
During an argument with a woman, it’s very easy to get angry and start raising your voice because you are naturally stronger and more powerful than she is.
However, raising your voice and getting angry at her doesn’t solve anything.
When a man gets emotional like that, a woman will become even more emotional and they will usually end up yelling at each other, verbally attacking each other and trying to put each other down.
No matter how much of a tantrum she throws, you have to try and be the calm sensible one. Instead of getting angry at her, laugh at her and the situation and then calmly work through it.
Instead of going on the attack and calling her names or bringing up things that you don’t like about her, tell what you do like about her and what she is doing right. It will confuse her temporarily, but it will also get her to stop feeling so angry.
She will see that you are making an effort to look on the bright side of her intentions, rather than actively trying to look for faults that you can attack her about.
Instead of trying to get her to be sensible like you, just understand and accept that she is a woman and will always see the world through a different lens than you do. She is a woman and will always think, feel and act differently to you.
…and you can’t stop her from doing it.
She will always want to think, act and behave like a woman and if you can let her do that without getting angry about it, you will satisfy her on a deep level.
When you understand that her attempts to argue with you are just part of her being a woman, you will stop trying to verbally attack her or get her to think like you do.
When you can do that, your girlfriend will love you, respect you and feel attraction for you on a more deeper level than she ever has before.
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Hey Dan, this was a interesting article, I got question for you, I have an explosive temper its pretty bad, e.g. if I explode I don’t care where I’m at I burn the person to the ground. Over the years, I’ve worked on my temper, making it harder for someone or something to get me to explode. But lets just say, I did explode on my girlfriend, I get the feeling that I probably murdered the feelings she had for me, and I always feel bad when I drop a nuke on someone and… even when I have every reason to be angry at the person, I feel bad. I always felt like I could have handled it differently but lets just say if that did happen, what would I do, my gut is telling me a “sorry” won’t suffice…
Also I was reading one of your article, that brought up a question, that I would like to ask you but I’d feel more comfortable if I could email you privately, I noticed that on your “Contact” tab it says “Have a question about our products? Please contact us here” So I’m not sure if it’s cool to use that form to contact you, since its not really about your products… but maybe it might be related to some of the products that you teach here at TMM.
Hey Mike
There’s nothing wrong with getting angry at your girlfriend if she is out of line/treats you badly. However, it should be a controlled anger, in which you don’t become irrational and start doing silly things. You can be angry at her, but still be calm and in control on your emotions and thinking. I talk about how to handle situations like that in The Modern Relationship, so she can learn not to behave badly and you can both become closer as a result of the argument. It’s not something I can teach to everyone here in the comments – all that info is in The Modern Relationship.
Cheers
Dan
Dan,
I don’t understand what you mean by maintain control of your emotions. Emotions are emotions how can you control them you either naturally feel them until they pass or your just faking that something isn’t effecting you when it is. I mean the example you mentioned about anger it should be controlled anger how can you control anger lol?? Its anger lol its out of control by definition.
Michael
Hey Michael
Thanks for your question.
Anger is not “out of control” by definition. It is a strong emotion and a wiser man can decide to use his intelligence to keep it under control. A man with less smarts may decide to react to his “fight or flight” response and lose control of his emotions.
Anger (noun): A strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
Anger (verb): To arouse anger or wrath in.
It’s fine to get angry at times, but when it comes to being what women refer to as a “real man,” losing control of your emotions is not attractive and causes them to lose respect for you. If you don’t know how to be the type of man who can maintain control of his emotions (and thus be infinitely more attractive to women than a man who loses control of his emotions like a woman), I recommend that you watch this: http://store.themodernman.com/in/2cf8a89
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
Like the previous comment on here, I too have blown my lid at my now ex girlfriend. At the time of the argument I didn’t care about hurting her feelings or what would happen in the relationship. After one serious fight we sat down and discussed our feelings and the relationship (this is prior to me finding your website). From that day on she said she felt she couldn’t be herself around me and that she feared I would blow up again or give her some evil look.
I understand now after speaking with numerous people and reading a fair bit what I was doing wrong. Unfortunately it pushed the relationship to breaking point and she moved her gear out of my house over the weekend. We did talk and she said she needed to be able to gain her independence back and find her happiness inside. I know there are plenty more women out there for me and I’m not shy to talk to any of them or go out on date I just feel this one was special and I really enjoyed my time with her.
We didn’t have any serious fight during the breakup but we had some in the previous months. During the breakup she was very emotional, crying and saying how she wanted to call me after the initial breakup but stopped herself and that she still cares for me. I was in touch with her needs and showed I had emotional intelligence but didn’t beg for her back or anything. I have learnt now that I need to have a greater understanding of the women’s emotional needs without compromising my own manhood.
Is it possible after having fights in a relationship and the other person telling you they couldn’t be themselves to repair it or are some arguments deal breakers?
Hi Richard
Thanks for your question.
Yes, you can definitely repair this situation. She wants to feel like a real woman around you and you will naturally make that happen by being a real man for her. I’m taking a guess here from experience: By the sound of it, your arguments and bad treatment of her forced her to behave more like a rational man than a girly, feminine woman. You gradually squeezed the femininity out of her and wanted her to be more like you, which is obviously a huge mistake.
If you want to learn how to fix yourself and become the type of man who will naturally cause her to feel exciting, amazing, exhilarating emotions, I recommend that you watch Better Than a Bad Boy. I do a big section on understanding women, but like you said – it isn’t at the expense of your manhood. On the contrary, this is about strengthening your manhood.
Cheers
Dan
P.S. I also recommend you read: 7 Reasons Why Women Lose Respect For Men
We constantly argue. I messed up because i lied in the past and that lie has made us to what we are today. I lose my shit on her because my temper is so bad, its horrible. I try to take it all out at the gym and starting new the next day but i still get so angry when we argue. I want her for life its just… Jesus i wish i could start over man
Hey Alex
Sorry to hear about your situation mate.
At least you’ve learned one of the most valuable lessons of life: Don’t lie. Living an honest life is a much EASIER, less stressful and more effective life to live. You don’t have to carry a bunch of lies around with you.
You might find these two articles interesting:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/why-women-lose-respect-for-men.html
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/is_your_relationship_built_on_trust.html
Cheers
Dan
Hi, as you can probably tell, i am a girl. I happened to actually stumble accross this article in an attempt to find research for a behavioral psychology project. (not the point) well i am actually really glad i found this. I have been feeling as if there are communication issues between me and my boyfriend. I am reading what you said up here about how a real man does not give up in arguements or shut down etc. Well, the past few weeks ive felt a disconnect between my boyfriend and i. We got busy and now it feels like he barely even attempts to show me any affection unless i run the show. He is a single child and lacked a father figure and his mother is very controlling. For me, if i even explode a little he shuts down. He used to help me calm down and see the bigger picture or it would be the other way around. But now i cant even get him to understand me and how i am feeling. I dont like being naggy and whenever he will bring up a quick comment about things that relate to this issue, its overwhelming and i get upset. I tried to back off but maybe i am not backing off enough because he isnt stepping up and taking over. Today we argued and i just vented out everything in a text and explained how i felt i urged him to think and try to understand me without me constantly throwing out different ways to make it explainable. I want him to do the work and try to understand for himself. And i dont want to keep feeling like i have to ask for a pick me up after a bad day. Or a hug. I dont know. Things that used to be natural. I asked him directly once and he said that he felt like he didnt have to really do stuff like that anymore. I understand the transition netween a puppy love type deal where you get barracaded in with hearts and poetry or whatever to a different type of affection. I dont think a man should lose that urge to show affevtion though.how can i make him feel like a man in a way that would possibly encourage him or make him want to step up and take the pants from me. I am metaphorically doing that weird little dance that someone does to get someone else to take whatever is in their hand away because they dont want it. I dont want to run the show. I can be bossy but ive always loved that he could calmly counter my forcefulness and it made me want to let him be in charge. If i made that really confusing i am sorry, i can clarify anything you need i am freshly upset right now. Sorry, thank you for reading.
Hey Serenitee
Thanks for your comment.
We’re getting a lot of comments from women these days, so it seems our advice is helping both sides, even though we’re completely dedicated to helping men.
Anyway, what you’ve said is not confusing. It’s crystal clear to me. That being, you’re perfectly capable of taking the lead, but you would prefer if he did so you could relax into the feminine role. At the moment, your boyfriend has made the mistake of turning your sexual, romantic relationship into a neutral relationship where neither part is fully masculine or feminine. You could say, you both feel like half man/half woman, instead of a man and woman.
The truth is, unless he gets in depth training from an expert like me, he isn’t going to learn about this stuff by watching TV, listening to friends or seeking advice from random people. Most people don’t know how to maintain the masculine/feminine dynamic in a relationship and, after the initial lust has worn off, slowly transition into just being neutral “partners” in life. It ends up feeling like two friends who occasionally have sex when they need it, instead of a man and a woman who are falling deeper and deeper in love. We’ve all seen those couples who, after 20-30 years of marriage, are still madly in love with each other and flirt with each other all the time. That is only possible if the right type of relationship dynamic is created and maintained. However, if someone doesn’t know how to do that, then it just won’t turn out that way.
Cheers
Dan
Hi, I just came across your article bc I got into a stupid argument …again..with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for almost a year…living together for most of that time bc he was either having car issues and need a ride so it was easier to just stay with me or his electric got cut bc he counted on his roommate to provide for half the bills which she didn’t. I think a big reason that we argue over petty things is that I need him to step up and be more of a man, he relies on me for almost every decision he makes…unless it involves his car club then it seems like I don’t matter at all. We only have sex once a wee bc that’s all he wants which makes me insecure in his attraction to me so I tend to be in an even worse mood…though lately I just don’t think about it. He can’t manage his money very well. When we do argue instead of compromising he just gives in to what I’m saying And then gets petty over the decision he made! He acts like more of a girl than I do and I’m just not sure what to do.
Hey Sheila
Phew! Sounds like someone needed to vent! 🙂 More and more women seem to be coming here to do the same, so I guess our message is reaching a wider audience these days.
It’s good to get that sort of thing off your chest Sheila, but really – you need to be able to communicate that in a clear way to your boyfriend. Unfortunately though, I get contacted here every day by guys who tell me that their girlfriend had warned them about such things, but they failed to take action and change so she ended the relationship. So, please make sure you mention that to him also. He needs to know that you want and need a man and that he CAN be that man if he can make the changes.
Cheers
Dan
Afternoon Dan, it’s me Moses. I just found this new lady that we dated for a day. The next day we were supposed to see each other but it happened she went for shopping with her mom and promised me that wen she came bk we will meet. I didn’t mind dat but as i saw time was going i decided to send her a msg and tell her that if she dsnt wanna c me she should have told me than making me wait. She got mad @ me and told me that i must stop behaving selfish and i’m arrogant and if i feel i’m tired with her the door is open to f**k her off (LET HER TO GO) you help is needed dan. I love dis girl.
Hey Moses
Thanks for your question.
So, you dated for a day and you LOVE her? Yet, she isn’t even interested in SEEING you?
You are doing The Flow backwards, my friend. It’s not something that I can teach for free in the comments. You have to read and learn from The Flow: http://store.themodernman.com/in/58e9e6c The Flow is 200+ A4 pages for a reason. It includes all the answers to all the questions that a guy needs to know to go from hello to a sexual, loving relationship with a woman. That’s not something for the comments section.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan, i also always thought that arguments are healthy for relationships -when done right.
However, lately i realized that i always seems to found something wrong with my girl. At first, what happened was: i would confront her telling what i think is wrong, and she’ll eventually understand.
But the mistakes just never end. I WILL find somehing wrong with her and start an argument. In the end she always “lost” that i start feeling bad “winning”.
I’m the kind of person who do a lot of thinking while she’s.. well she’s very… girl… ish. That’s why i thought it would be best for us if we follow my logics. But i’m always correcting, it’s start getting ridiculous.
Am i over-corrective or something man? Is it healthy for us to always get things my way? What are ur opinion on this? Thanks mate.
Hey Channo
Thanks for your question.
It’s not healthy for your relationship because for the love, attraction and respect to grow between you, she must be allowed to be the feminine woman she is. At the moment, you’re trying to turn her into a female version of you. In other words, you’re trying to get her to think and behave like a man at times. If you do that too much, the relationship will begin falling apart. If you want to learn how to “be the man” in a relationship without going overboard and forcing your woman to be something she’s not, I recommend that you watch this: http://store.themodernman.com/in/18eb941
Cheers
Dan
Hey, Dan.
When you’re in a relationship with a woman; how do you know the difference between when her tantrums and complaining about you is just her natural, feminine way of being (like when she’s just testing your confidence/masculinity, or just need to get an outburst for her natural, feminine, emotional changes), and when her tantrums and complaining about you is actually something serious, and something that one should listen carefully to, and that one should change oneself in accordance to that message of hers?
– How do you know the difference between those two?
– And how do you find the balance in the right way to reply to her, during each one of those two different types of tantrums/complaining?
Thank you for your thoughts on this.
Hey Knut
Thanks for your question.
You don’t actually need to sit around worrying about that and trying to work out the differences between her random tantrums. Instead, you need to be a loving, complete man and in those times, use a technique that I’ve developed to turn a woman’s tantrums into a moment of love, connection and sexual tension. I teach all that in this program: http://store.themodernman.com/in/2cf8a89 but, it’s not something that I can sit here teaching in the comments. You need to understand a lot about being a man, a lot about what women really want and you also need to see me demonstrate the body language and tonality that is necessary to turn a woman’s tantrum into a loving, sexual moment.
Cheers
Dan
How can I stop fighting with my girlfriend I just mad over nothing and for no reson
Hey Ruben
I’ll need a little more info than that mate. Please explain.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
I have been together with my girlfriend for 3 years, but she apparently has felt not respected for nearly 2 years now. We usually have arguments over things which I consider silly, e.g. she being unnecessarily jealous, or she being overly conservative towards soft drug (I have a lot of friends who smoke weed every now and then, and I used to do it sometimes in college. She thinks everyone who smokes weed is a low-life per definition even though all my friends are doing pretty well in life, i.e. college degree and nice job).
I usually end up closing the discussion by saying I don’t agree with her and that it’s her problem is she chooses to make problems out of these “silly” things. Of course, that makes her sad and misunderstood, and has been eating her self-respect.
I never realized it would go that deep but now it’s threatening to end our relationship. On the other hand, I do have strong feelings about some of these issues so meekly giving in on each of them seems to go against my own core values.
Do you think we are just too different or should I just learn to suck up and start doing things just for her, even when I completely disagree with it.
I’d love to hear your opinion
Hi Dave
Thanks for your question.
To make a relationship successful throughout life, both the man and the woman need to make sacrifices and compromises. With my girlfriend, her and I have already had that chat and because of it, we are able to relax and be more accepting and willing to try new things as a way of keeping the peace and harmony in the relationship.
If smoking weed is harming your relationship with her, then yes, you should reconsider whether or not you need weed or her in your life. Whatever the case, just make sure that you don’t disrespect her when arguing. It sounds like she is being disrespectful towards you at times, but be the man in the situation and don’t get dragged into name calling, bitchin’ and put downs.
To maintain a successful relationship, both you and her need to be trying to make each other happy no matter what, not trying to “win” arguments and make each other feel bad. That’s a discussion you should have with her.
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan so happy I came to this blog, I have a question here , I am a quiet reserved individual but my girlfriend is totally opposite she can be very outspoken argumentative and insultive without even realising it or agreeing to correction .
Now what do I do when we end up in arguments and she keeps making up things I never did and telling me my best is not enough when clearly I live my life for her. Now she seems to be more smarter than me in socialising speaking, etc and I find it really hurtful when she talks about my flaws and things I’m not up to . How do I approach her? Because she always want to take the lead when I am the man and I am suppose to be the one at the front.. How do I deal with her without making things harder? We recently ended up in heated argumenevt a lately and normally I don’t react back or argue back we she asked for space I respected this and don’t speak to her for three days until about the 5 th day because I was totally tired and fed up of her I couldn’t imagine living with her attitude for 50 years or more mist esp when she yells at me at very small things .
Now what can I do? Because I really love her and I want her to at least change her attitude and agree that she needs help
Hey DJ
Thanks for your question.
If this part of your comment is true, “…when clearly I live my life for her” then that is your problem. Women don’t want you to live your life for them. Women want to be a very important part of your life, but your purpose has to be your number one priority as a man (http://www.themodernman.com/success/finding-your-life-purpose.html).
Also, this part of your comment “Because she always want to take the lead when I am the man and I am suppose to be the one at the front” is her testing your ability to be the man.
Here are some articles I’ve written on the topic:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/who-should-wear-the-pants-in-a-relationship.html
http://www.themodernman.com/relationship/why-do-women-want-to-feel-protected-by-their-man.html
http://www.themodernman.com/blog/do-men-need-toughening-up.html
If you want to watch my advanced training on how to be the man in a relationship and deepen the love, respect and attraction a woman feels for you, my two programs for that are:
http://store.themodernman.com/better_than_a_bad_boy.html
http://store.themodernman.com/the_modern_relationship.html
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 months. The past month has been very difficult after the first 3 were amazing. Its like we argue every few days and its almost always her fault. She starts am argument over something little and stupid and I fire back and then we just go back and forth saying mean things. And the argument gets nowhere. Crazy part is that most of the time I am right, but she gets mad because I’ll say something very mean (after she was first) and personal. Alot of times its cause she dont think or just doesn’t put her half of the effort in the relationship. And she isnt good at communicating. ..Her words show love but her actions dont and then I keep going about how she keeps making mistakes and she gets annoyed. And then I let it go and a few days later it happens all over again.
Hey Lou
Thanks for your comment.
The arguments you are having go nowhere because they are unnecessary. Think about it: If you were man enough to just smile and not be so serious about little disagreements, she would follow your lead.
In a relationship, you need to love each other and help each other grow, not win arguments to prove each other wrong. Both of you will be wrong almost an equal amount of times during the relationship because no human is perfect.
What you need to do is realize that you are in a relationship where neither or you is perfect, but agree that you will try to do better because you love each other. Don’t expect her or yourself to be perfect tomorrow, but work towards it.
If you want some help with creating and maintaining the correct relationship dynamic with a woman, I recommend that you watch this:
http://store.themodernman.com/the_modern_relationship.html
Cheers
Dan
Hi, Imy in a similar situation to most people that have commented on here. My girl and I have been together for 3 months now and we tend to argue over the smallest things, I think we’re both very opinionated which I have no problem with, but she doesn’t like it when I don’t agree with her. She complains over the most trivial things, like taking plates to the kitchen and I have a temper myself so I tend to react badly, I try to talk to her in a calm manner at first but she never tries to see things from my point of view which makes me feel like I’m talking to a brick wall and in turn gets me agitated. Whenever we argue, we talk about the hinge the other person did we font like and I always lite and if it’s something I fee I did wrong, I apologise and work on it, but when I tell her things I feel she does I don’t like she’s not able to accept it, she instead chooses to argue and say I’m selfish or turn it all arundel and say it must have been something I did. I’m more angel myself and I have a temper, but Ivery learned from past relationships and always try to improve myself I just feel she isn’t doing the same and I can’t get through to her, she is incapable of seeing things from a different perspective it’s either her way or its wrong and I don’t know how long I can take this for, i’m considering walking away but I don’t wanna give up too easy. This is just one of the problems perhaps the biggest one but there are others.
Hey David
It sounds like you are letting her wear the pants in the relationship and are suffering the consequences:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/who-should-wear-the-pants-in-a-relationship.html
Some women want to wear the pants in a relationship and will enjoy it, but most women resent it and will lose feelings of respect, attraction and love for the guy as a result.
Cheers
Dan
Hi been reading these articles very impressed with the answers. Well here’s my story been with my gf 6 years now and we hardly ever fight honestly I can count the times. I love her to death we broke up last year the exact same time as this time and last time was almost 3 mths she would not talk to me,this time so far is 2 weeks. She just ignores my texts,flowers,emails,no response it makes me so mad to be trested like I don’t even exist after 6 years.
Hey Tony
Watch this video and you will understand what has happened:
http://www.themodernman.com/blog/get-your-ex-back-the-3-stages-she-went-through-before-breaking-up-with-you.html
Cheers
Dan
Hi…
I am in a relationship.I usually get very angry when my girlfriend speaks with other guy just casually also.On that I will get tonnes of anger and I will scold her.what should I do please help.Due to this we both will fight every day.I am not saying she will cross her limits but I am unable to digest if she speak with other boy.How to avoid this problem in me.
Hi Sampath
You need to make the decision not to get angry. However, you won’t be able to do that if you haven’t gotten lucky when you picked her up and secretly know that you can’t attract other women like her very easily.
Watch: http://www.themodernman.com/dating/how-to-get-lucky-with-women.html
Read: http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/why-women-lose-respect-for-men.html
In a relationship, it is impossible to trust another human 100% but you just HAVE TO. If you can’t give her your trust, you will destroy the love.
Cheers
Dan
Isn’t it kind of unfair for the man that he has to be a punching bag and his feelings during the argument wont be acknowledge most of the time?
Hey Mike
Thanks for your comment.
It only seems unfair if you don’t understand things like this:
http://www.themodernman.com/relationship/why-do-women-want-to-feel-protected-by-their-man.html
http://www.themodernman.com/blog/do-men-need-toughening-up.html
Cheers
Dan
Hey Dan!
Well….I’ve been dating a girl for 5+ years now, and we’ve certainly had our ups and downs, with 95% of our arguments starting with her.
She is always trying to find a flaw in me – and guess what? I’m not perfect, so she can find plenty, as long as she’s looking for it.
I have done lots of reading about why this is happening, and I’ve encountered quite often that has a tendency to be emotionally abusive. All the arguments usually leave me in a confused state of mind, or really not liking myself, because she’s made it clear that I’m awful. But I’m not. Really! I’ve been talked down to, falsely accused, have had her withhold affection or sex, spent far too long walking on eggshells and afraid of what might happen next. One day she’s loving and caring, the next she’s mean and hurtful.
Now, my reaction has usually been to feel awful about myself (even though she’s made up a truth in her head about me, which isn’t true at all), and I’d try to explain my side – sometimes getting frustrated and quite upset – but my voice goes unheard. Basically, if I’m not owning up to the truth she created, then I’m just a liar.
Anyway, I’ve had a spiritual awakening several months ago, and since, have started to stand up for myself and told her I refuse to ever be put into that place of self loathing ever again. However, I’m still encountering her attitude and distance, when she’s upset.
What do I need to do? I haven’t been the man enough, mainly because I want to please her and let her know I’m willing to do whatever to resolve the conflict. So I’ve cowered, pleaded for forgiveness, but in doing so, I’ve lost myself too much. After reading your blog, I believe this continues because I’m not being the strong and steady man she’s looking for. So she continues to attack and provoke.
I WANT to be the strong and steady man!
But how do I do it?
If you answer any bit of this, I appreciate it greatly! I want a long life with this girl, but we definitely need more growth in this area.
Hey Sean
Thanks for your question.
What you’ve been experiencing is what most guys are shocked to discover in a relationship; women never stop testing a guy.
Women always try to poke a man in his weak spot (emotionally or mentally) and if he becomes insecure or gets angry and loses control of his emotions, the woman then loses respect and attraction for him.
Teaching you how to pass the tests and regain her respect and attraction for you is a big lesson, but once you understand it, you will naturally begin to say and do the right things around her. From there, the wounds of the relationship will begin to heal.
If you want to know how to do it, the program for you is Better Than a Bad Boy: http://store.themodernman.com/better_than_a_bad_boy.html
Cheers
Dan
Thank you!!
I am looking forward to this empowering next step!
Hi…Dan
I have been in a relationship with a girl from 2 years.Had some ups and downs but now she became very childish and not ready to take care of my parents and she don’t want to see my parents even in my marriage. As I have a sister and according to our culture and traditions I shouldn’t marry until my sister get marry.But my girlfriend wants to marry me asap.
Hi Sampath
It sounds like you may be making the classic mistake of letting her “wear the pants” in a relationship. If she is unwilling to see your parents, you need to make a stand. She needs to respect you and want to have a relationship with your family, even if she only sees them a couple of times per year.
Women can’t sustain feelings of sexual attraction for men who they don’t respect. Even if you are waiting until marriage to have sex, she still has to have those feelings for you. If you are letting her “wear the pants” it may lead to a very unhappy marriage, depending on the woman.
Here are some articles that I recommend you read through:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/who-should-wear-the-pants-in-a-relationship.html
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/should-men-do-housework.html
http://www.themodernman.com/relationship/why-do-women-want-to-feel-protected-by-their-man.html
http://www.themodernman.com/blog/do-men-need-toughening-up.html
Cheers
Dan
Hai Dan, I am John and I have been loving a girl for last two years. She is three years younger than me and we had great relation at the beginning. We have only seen each other very little as I am studying far apart from her school. We had fallen in love when I was to pass out from my 12th standard. Being in a distant relationship it was hard to just contact through messages. Now she has stopped messaging me and will always point out some reason for that. I always quarrel with her when see messages me once in a while and her talk seems to be wired. I can’t let her go in that way and I think we both got bored with our relationship. I always try to speak her with love and compassion but at last ends up in quarrels. She doesn’t even calls me as her mother will be always with her. How can i bring this relation back and how can i control myself ?
Hi John
Thanks for your question.
Arguing with her, getting angry or quarrelling is not what makes a woman feel attracted and drawn to you. Likewise, being loving, sweet and compassionate is also not what makes a woman feel attracted to you after you’ve been arguing with her.
It sounds to me like no-one has ever taught you about what it takes to make a woman feel sexually attracted to you. Check these three posts out:
http://www.themodernman.com/blog/how-to-know-if-a-woman-is-interested-in-you.html
http://www.themodernman.com/sex-advice/how-to-be-sexually-attractive-to-women.html
http://www.themodernman.com/blog/why-does-being-too-nice-to-a-woman-often-lead-to-rejection.html
Cheers
Dan
Hey Dan, this seems to be similar to what i am going through. she falls in love with me when im good. i kept my past from her because i felt it wasnt worth telling becaise it was complicated. she got to know at the end of the day through my ex telling her and it hasnt been smooth like ever since. i honestly love her but any little argument she fires back at me and not give me reason to explain things to her. she feels like if i have taken care of it we wont be arguing. she keeps treating me that she will leave and later i have to plead and beg her to stay. she thinks im lying even when telling the truth but for the sake of peace i tend to say YES I AM WRONG BUT DEEP DOWN MY HEART I AM RIGHT. for the sake of peace i will be calm and apologize. i love her and the past life has really messed things up pretty bad that she doesnt trust me. i want to tell her to leave and we go our seperate way but i cant because both families have met and are preparing for us to get married. i dont want to be unhappy in my marriage and her as well but we really love each other. i dont lknow what to do. help me before i make a wrong decision
Hi Kasim
Thanks for sharing your story.
You need to have what I call “The Perfect Conversation” with her, which goes something like this:
You smile and relax. You love her and you say, “I have realized that I am not perfect and you are not perfect. No one is perfect. I sometimes make mistakes in the way that I talk to you, treat you or behave around you. You sometimes make mistakes too. A relationship is about growing together and becoming and being better people that we would be if we were on our own. If a couple is going to build a love that will last a lifetime, they need to realize that neither of them is perfect, but because they love each other and want the relationship to grow and mature, they will always try to do better and be better for the other person. As long as both people commit to doing that, the relationship doesn’t need to be full of arguments and fighting. Instead, we just need to try to do better and be better for each other all the time and from that, we will give the love that we share the room to breathe and become stronger.”
Cheers
Dan
Hi my girlfriend gets insanely angry if I don’t do what she wants or if I do something she doesn’t want me to do
She gets angry if I even think about a pint with a friend she is insanely jealous and assumes I want every woman
When she gets really jealous and angry she threatens to call the police to say I hit her or whatever. I try to be calm so now I avoid every thing that may cause a row.
Its getting worse. However when she is ok she is great but my head now snapping
Hi Michael
Thanks for your comment.
In a case like this, you need to have a discussion with her and explain that in a relationship, you have to give the other person your full trust and let them take care of it. You can never fully trust another human being 100%, but in a relationship between a man and a woman, you have to give that trust to let the relationship and love grow and mature.
If it is held back by distrust, the relationship will eventually fall apart. She may end up feeling so insecure that she allows herself to be seduced by a guy who compliments her and makes her feel sexy and desirable, just so she can have that against you.
Ask her, “What would it take for you to trust me?” and “What do you need me to say or see me do before you will give me your trust and let me take care of it?”
Cheers
Dan