Surviving a breakup, whether it was your idea or hers, can be a difficult thing to go through for most modern men.
When a relationship ends, it often feels like you’re grieving a death; and in a way you are – it’s the death of the dream life you had with your ex.
If you start having relationships with women in your teens, you will probably go through a few break ups before you finally find the right woman for you when you’re in your 20s or 30s.
When you go through a break up, it’s vitally important that you grow from the experience and become an even better, wiser and more emotionally attractive man than you were before.
How can you do that?
1. Learn from your mistakes
Most guys make the same classic mistakes with women. What separates the guys who eventually succeed with women compared to those who continue to fail is whether or not they learn from their mistakes.
Do you make any of these mistakes with women?
2. Accept The Positive and Negative Feelings You Have About the Break Up
One of the best ways to get over a bad feeling is to consciously tell yourself that you accept it.
For instance if she broke up with you when you didn’t want to break up with her, simply say to yourself, “I accept that I feel down right now. I don’t like the fact that I’m alone without my ex, but I accept it. I also accept that I have a lot of good things to look forward to with other women, as long as I can get my confidence and self-esteem back to where it was when I was with her.”
The worst thing you can do to yourself is to keep playing the relationship out in your head and focussing on all the good times. Doing so will extend your grieving phase unnecessarily because you will begin to believe that other women couldn’t make you feel as good as she did.
If simply accepting it in your head doesn’t ease your despair, you might benefit from writing it down. Try to write down the reasons why you accept what has happened between you and your ex. Then, write a letter to your ex (without ever mailing it to her) accepting what has happened.
Try to accept why it happened, rather than going around in circles about how bad you feel. A circle will always remain a circle – to cure your pain you need to break out of the circle by accepting what happened.
A bonus of writing it down is that it usually becomes easier to understand what you’re feeling and easier to analyze where things went right and wrong in your relationship. You can then use this knowledge as an opportunity to further mature as a man and grow from the experience.
3. Accept the Reality of Modern Relationships
In the past, a woman had to stay with a man for life because it was shameful to get divorced.
Not anymore.
Today’s women are free to have sex with as many men as they want before settling down into a relationship. Then, when in a relationship, they can break up with or divorce a guy if the relationship isn’t what they really want.
To be successful with a relationship in today’s world you have to:
1. Choose the right woman for you, rather than accepting whatever you can get and trying to make it work.
2. Deepen the love, respect and attraction in a relationship, rather than taking her for granted and letting the love fade away.
4. Do New, Fun and Interesting Things With Other People
After a breakup, many men go into seclusion by watching lots of TV and movies, or by playing video games. This doesn’t help and usually ends up making a guy miss his ex even more.
Instead of hiding away on your own, look upon this phase of your life as an opportunity to do things that you didn’t have time to do when you were with your ex.
Take a class to learn something cool (you’ll likely make new friends at the same time), catch up with old friends and do something new and interesting together, visit your parents, volunteer for something for one day (they always welcome new people), go on a weekend trip with a friend (or friends), read some self-help books by the beach or in a park, start learning a martial art or work on a hobby that involves interacting with people.
Basically, you need to focus on doing anything positive and social that will keep you busy so you can take your mind off missing your ex.
Sitting around and avoiding social activities will only make the depressing feelings that exist during the grieving phase of a break up last longer. There’s no need to put yourself through unnecessary emotional pain – you can be feeling happy, positive and confident much quicker if you get out there do some positive activities with other people.
5. Exercise
Exercise is a great remedy for sadness, stress or general melancholy because it releases endorphins in your brain that make you feel happier, more positive and more optimistic.
While exercise is not a cure for surviving a break-up, it certainly helps to pep you up and avoid you feeling miserable, melancholy and hopeless about life.
6. Don’t Masturbate Too Much
Loading ...These days, many guys masturbate way too much.
There’s nothing wrong with masturbating to get rid of some built up sexual desire at times, but if you’re trying to get back into the dating scene or have the confidence and desire to approach new women, you have to tone down the jerking.
Too much wanking will deplete your built up sexual desire and mess with your perception of women. For example: When you watch porn, you will feel attracted immediately and the woman will be ready to have sex immediately. It will seem so easy.
Yet, in real life, most women don’t behave that way when you meet them; they only behave that way behind closed doors. So, when you meet new women and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of sexual attraction and desire from her part, you may think that you’re not doing enough to turn her on.
7. Start Playing the Field
Meeting lots of new women is the best way to get over a break up and help remind yourself of what a desirable guy you really are.
You don’t have to go out and get a new girlfriend, but at least start having sex with new women. Having sex with new women is the fastest way to get over an ex, especially when the new women are hotter than your ex-girlfriend.
If she broke up with you, your ego has probably taken a bit of a bruising and you need to get yourself in front of other women who will appreciate what a great guy you are. If you are too afraid to get out there and start having sex with new women, time will tick away and you will most-likely lose more power, confidence and self-esteem as a man.
However, if you can accept what has happened, learn from it and move on – you will emerge a better man.
8. Improve Your Skills With Women
If you have recently been broken up with and are still recovering from the pain of being dumped, why not turn that horrible experience into an opportunity to make your life great?
If you improve your skills with women and become the type of guy that women desperately want to be with, you will see that most of the women you meet feel attracted to you. When most of the women you meet are keen and show loads of interest, you cannot help but feel happy, inspired and excited to be alive.
Yet, if you hide away from women or believe that you’re doomed for life when it comes to relationships, you can really only look forward to a lot of isolation, feeling left out and reliving the bad memories about your ex over and over again.
Make a change.
Become the type of man that women desperately want to be with and you will emerge from this break up as an even better man that you are right now…
Want to Know the SECRET to Success With Women?
Watch this hidden video where Dan exposes his BIGGEST secret to success with women, which allows you to easily get laid or get a girlfriend.
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Just what I needed to read! My GF broke up with me on the weekend and I am living in a state of shock.
Already I can feel better by trying to verbalize my acceptance of what has happened.
Thank you so much!
You’re welcome Liam. Glad I could help.
Next step is to start approaching women:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/shes_hot_youre_not_now_what.html
Cheers
Dan
Yeh I agree here…making new friends and doing new things that challenge you is key to recovery. I started kickboxing after breaking up with my girlfriend a few months ago and quickly made new friends. Then when we went to clubs it was easy to pick up women because my friends are all cool, tough looking guys so girls are pretty sweet to us…
Cool post
very interesting post,i am sure this process will work
I must say, I never get bored reading/viewing your great stuff.. I have only discovered TMMan 2 yrs ago, to realize I have always been Alfa but was making mistakes. Now I have left (for/6th time) my GF on xmas day & trust me it was very hard to do but not the 1st time I end it, this time I said I’m taking a break but not sure if I’ll be back cuz I love her (was w/her 2.5 yrs). Now after reading this helps.. I’ve already put her stuff in a big bag to bring her but I feel shitty.. I started to look around on dating sites. already cuz yes I have to. But I feel like I’m gonna crack man… I miss her so much! But she drives me up the wall when I’m with her… I had never said to a girl that I love her in a very long time till after being with her for a year…Thx very much 4 all you guys do!!!
Thanks for sharing that Stephen! I really appreciate it.
Enjoy the great times ahead with women!
Cheers
Dan
P.S. The best solution to get over an ex-girlfriend is to hook up with a hotter woman who is also cool and fun to hang out with. Somehow, your ex won’t seem so perfect after all. May sound ‘shallow’, but it is true.
Hey dan,
5 months ago I began dating this girl who had just come out of a relationship of about 2 years. It was on/off at first but then we both started getting pretty serious. She told me that she loved me but still had feelings for her ex. Anyway she was still in touch with her ex and broke up with me as she was confused. We patched up again and broke up last week for the same reason. She says she loves me and knows that she will be happier with me but she feels she belongs with her ex.
What should I do? Could u pls dispense some advice.
Our current status is we have broken up. But we still call each other almost everyday.
Hi Pjai
Thanks for your question.
Essentially, you need to get her to meet up with you (instructions on how to do that are provided in my Get Your Ex Back: Super System http://store.themodernman.com/products/get_your_ex_back_super_system.html) and then blow her mind with amazing sex (instructions provided in the bonus that comes with my system, called Ultimate Make Up Sex).
She only feels as though she belongs with him because he makes her feel more desirable emotions. If you want her to feel more for you, then use the techniques from my system. For a bit of free advice that you can use in the meantime (since you are seeing her almost everyday), watch the video on this page: http://www.themodernman.com/sex-advice/how-to-be-sexually-attractive-to-women.html
Cheers
Dan
Hey Dan and the rest at Modern Man,
Sorry, this is long. I’ve been getting your emails for some time now and they have helped me out. I always look forward to reading your next informative piece. Your advice is spot on and the knowledge you give out to guys is priceless. It’s nice to see someone actually give real tips in their advice. I have a question about my current situation. My situation goes like this. My ex-girlfriend and I broke up last November. Basically, it came down to slightly wavering confidence and the lack of communication between the both of us. (I know I dropped the ball a little bit) It wasn’t anything major or disasterous though, and both of these issues have been addressed since then.
She and I have been in contact with each other since we first met though, even after we broke up. We are open about many things. Our conversations are always light, playful, and flirty. After we broke up she did date a couple of other guys. Each one has left her feeling unhappy and alone and like she not worth it. One guy just used her (so he is out of the picture completely. She booted him!). She was currently in a relationship with a guy who she had been friends with for a few years beforehand. However, this same guy told her he couldn’t be friends with her, once back when she was dating me, and once right before she decided to get into a relationship with him. (That time they went to hang out as friends, but he thought that they were going out on a date. He told her he loved her after that one “date”, which she didn’t even think of it as a date. She basically pushed off his advances because she saw them as just friends. That was when he told her he couldn’t be friends with her). Now she doesn’t like to lose friends at all, and it was not too long after that “date” that they got into a relationship. Before that she only saw him as a friend, period. That was only a few weeks ago. Personally, I think she only got into a relationship with him because she is afraid that if she isn’t in a relationship with him she will lose him as a friend. Now she and I have hung out a few times here and there, before and while she had been with this new guy, and everytime the connection between us is always noticeable.
On March, 8 2011 she hung out with me at the YMCA and when we were leaving we were talking about things. She told me while we were in my car in the parking lot before leaving that everytime she is around me she has these overwhelming feelings from when we were dating and that they all come rushing back to her. She told me that she wanted to kiss me, but she was of course reluctant because she was in a relationship. Well, I asked her what she would do if we kissed. She said she didn’t know, and then she asked what I would do. This went back and forth for a couple of minutes. The whole time she kept looking over at me. She always gets this look on her face with a little smile that she always gave me when we were a couple when we were getting close. She kept glancing down at my mouth, you know, that indication that the woman wants to kiss. So I just went in for it. She didn’t push me away either. We made out, tongue and all, for a minute or two. Then she pulled away like she wasn’t sure what she was doing. Then she looked at me and leaned in to kiss me. We made out a few more times, then she left. She texted me back and forth about us kissing. She kept saying that she thought about us and loves how I touch her. She texted me saying that everytime she sees me all the old feelings of love rush right back to her.
She also said that she hates resisting me when we are together. She texts me that sometimes she wishes I would hold her and kiss her all over. The last two times we have hung out together we very nearly had sex, but the boyfriend thoughts crept in and shut down the launch. I’ve told her that she awakens something in me and she says that she feels the same way. She says that when we kiss her heart melts. She also kept telling me that her heart was confused because of being with this guy and how she feels towards me. However, we are like this all the time (that playful, flirty, and physically connection), even though she had a boyfriend. They had only been together for a few weeks though, and this is the guy who told her he couldn’t be friends with her. The one I think she just didn’t want to lose as a friend so she was in a relationship with him to appease him. The thing is, I have wanted her back for sometime, but have been trying to keep from being the shoulder to cry on guy. She has even hinted at us getting back together and that she thinks about that too. The feelings we have together are amazing. She even admits it, a lot. We have kept in contact and the sexual tension has always been there, even after we broke up. She said her heart was confused though. On March 12, she calls me and we get onto the subject of us getting back together. She brings up this other guy and admits that she doesn’t know if she wants to be with him because he doesn’t make her happy. She admits that I make her happy though and whenever we are together she feels amazing. I could tell though that she was debating on breaking up with this guy, which I wanted her to do to begin with as he was in my way.
On March 13, 2011 she did break up with this other guy. Afterwards, she texts me about getting something to eat. We do, and then go back to my place. Things got a little hot, but she was a little distraught considering she had just ended a relationship earlier in the day. We went out to her van and talked for a bit and she said that she didn’t want to have a boyfriend since she just got out of a relationship that day. I told her that we should just hangout like we had been and we should take things slow. Now there are times when I can tell that I am touching her heart, but there are other times when nothing I do or say seems to touch her at all. That night I find out that she has gotten back with that guy. She calls me late at night and we talked for a while. I laid out what a man does for a woman when he truly loves her like your article on “What Do Modern Women Want”. She did not say that she got back with him because she loved him, but that she was confused. She kept saying that she was lost and didn’t always know how to make up her mind. She told me that she knows what her heart wants (meaning me), but her mind was all over the place (she did have a bit of a ride before all of this, but that would make this post really long). She still said that she thinks about us and what would happen if we got back together. She admitted that she is sometimes afraid to take the correct path because she was always put down by her step-dad when she was little and that has always weighed down on her.
She makes me happy and she says that I make her happy (meaning in a relationship). Will you help me to sway her to want to get back together with me? She says she is happy with me and we got fairly hot and heavy everytime we are around each other. Our conversations, even on the phone, are playful and fun. I can always make her laugh and get her to give me that little look that women give when they are attracted to a guy. But she is young, and I believe reluctant, but I’m not sure why considering the way we are when we are together. Hell, we look and act like a couple when we’re together. I know that she doesn’t want to get hurt, but I have told her many times that I would not hurt her and I never did while we were first dating. What advice can you give me to get her back into a relationship? She is a great woman and I want to keep her in my life. We are already beyond the initial meeting rapport phase. I need some solid get her back and then take it slow/one day at a time relationship advice. She doesn’t want a boyfriend, but I believe that if we hangout a few more times she will want to be something just because of how she feels with me. She doesn’t like to get sexual with a guy unless she is in a relationship with him. A little advice from the best wouldn’t hurt though.
Thanks,
Brian
Hi Brian
Woah…dude, that was a long comment! Far out…I almost needed to take a coffee break while reading that. Lol…
Okay, responses:
1. Have you actually had sex with this woman?
Sounds like you haven’t. If not, the answer to your question is: Have sex with her. Sex changes everything.
2. Why are you chasing her?
If you want to make her miss you and want to be with you in a relationship, the wrong strategy is to chase her and continually try to get her to ‘realize’ how good you are together. It might seem like the logical thing to do (i.e. help her realize what a great guy you are), but she needs to realize that herself…and nothing will speed her realization up like her knowing that you are having sex with other women.
It also sounds like she may need to experience other relationships before she is ready for a serious one with you. Sometimes, you need to get out of the way (by dating other women yourself) and reconnect with a woman a few years later when she is ready for a serious relationship. Of course, most guys don’t want to hear this, but it is just how it works.
3. How old is this woman?
Cheers
Dan
P.S. Please make your response as concise as possible.
Hello again Dan,
This is the same Brian as the above comment. Thanks for responding. I have actually had sex with this woman. In fact, we have actively talked about sex with each other on a regular basis lately. I’ve been getting ready to move into a new place and she has been happily talking with me about moving in down the road a bit too. We have seen each other nearly every other day. Each time we kiss, hug, you name it. She has told me that she wants to take it slow, to which I have agreed completely. She is actually one of those one in a million girls who only wants to date one guy at a time. She is young (21), but has recently been through a lot (guys her own age showing their immaturity with relationships, having one use her, etc.), but she has grown over the year that I have known her. I am older, but not by much, and our connection is amazing. Anyways, I did have sex with her the first time we dated, but there was an incident with another guy at the time. Now all that is behind us. Since we have started talking again and had sex we have grown so much closer than before. I just want to be able to keep her in my life and not have to worry that any doubts might creep in for whatever reason. I want to completely stop any doubts in her mind before they present themselves. Any pointers or tips?
Hi Brian
Not sure mate, but I get the sense that you’re attraction and ‘love goggles’ for this woman is making you see her as more of an angel that she actually is.
You refer to an ‘incident’ with another guy and heaps of other guys having sex with her and leaving…it takes two to tango. She didn’t accidentally do those things.
“I want to completely stop any doubts in her mind before they present themselves.” You can never control a woman’s mind. If she secretly wants to have sex with more guys (normal for a 21 year old modern woman) instead of settling down into a serious relationship, be prepared to be cheated on 1-2 years into the relationship.
It sounds like you want this more than she does, which is a problem. You should only ever get into a serious relationship with a woman who actually wants to be in a serious relationship with you. If you want to have control over the relationship and what we call ‘dating power’, she needs to be more in love and more in need of you than you are of her…I doubt that will be the case by the way you’re approaching it.
Cheers
Dan
P.S. I’ve just noticed you haven’t referred to any of our products. The free stuff we send via e-mail will definitely help, but if you want to learn how to attract this woman properly and make her really want to be with you, you need to either read my book http://store.themodernman.com/the_flow.html or watch Dating Power http://store.themodernman.com/dating_power.html
New to your site since yesterday. Fantastic. Just purchased The Flow! It’s downloaded and ready to read, but I’m finishing up some of your other articles first because I think they are fascinating.
A problem with advice in this article.
Girlfriend (mid-40s, a seriously cute HB9.5 hit on by guys constantly) of 10 months broke up completely out of the blue via phone. We had talked everyday, had tons of mind-blowing sex for hours at a time, and have had incredibly fun dates. She says I am the best of everything she ever had. Then, last week, crying, she calls and says, “there’s something I have to do, I can’t help it. Something happened over the weekend. My head is telling me to be with you. You’re perfect. But my heart is telling me something else. I can’t see you anymore.” Gut punch and shock. No idea this was coming.
Because of something early in our relationship that she had told me, I’m figuring she’s going back with a guy who broke up with her long ago, and she never got over him (but she thought she did when she met me). I mean, this girl wanted to marry me! Oh well…Without arguing with her, I told her goodbye and good luck, and erased her number from my phone. I’ve been total no contact for one week now. She sent me a text me once, but I ignored it.
I’m telling you this is going to be difficult to get over, because your advice “sleep with a hotter chick” ain’t happenin’. There is no hotter chick than this girl I’ve ever met. I can have sex with 6 other women tonight, who I know would sleep with me, but there’s no way any of them hold a candle to this girl, and no way they’re erasing my girl from my mind. I live in a small town, with not that many hot babes. If any of my friends or acquaintances are asked who is the hottest girl they personally know, my girl’s name is the one they say.
Where to find a more attractive woman than mine? I don’t know. I don’t remember seeing an equally hot chick in my area to go after. Any advice for this?
Hi Thomas
Thanks for your positive feedback and welcome to The Modern Man.
I understand your predicament isn’t like that of most people. After reading your comment, I thought, “Wow, this guy is the exception to the rule. It’s not everyday that I get a question from a guy who was sleeping with the HOTTEST girl in town. It’s understandable that he would be finding it difficult to get over…let alone to use the technique of sleeping with a hotter girl to get his ex off his mind”
However, then I read your comment again and saw this…
“If any of my friends or acquaintances are asked who is the hottest girl they personally know, my girl’s name is the one they say.” I realized, “Oh, okay, he is talking about people he knows and on average, a human really only knows about 150 people properly at one time…so he is looking at the world as if it contains 150 people.”
I then decided to check your IP address from the comment you left and can see that you live in a very large state in the USA with a population of more than 11 MILLION people. You might live in a small town in the city you live in, but that does not mean you cannot expand your boundaries and meet new people. So, in your case, you need to do two things:
1. Focus on is the FACT that the love, sex and emotional connection you have with each girl will be different every time. Just because the sex was great with one girl, it doesn’t mean it won’t be with another. When it comes to love, you will realize that love is abundant in this world and there are different levels of love that you can experience. Additionally, your intellectual connection, your reasons for being with each other, your feelings about each other and so on will always be different with each girl.
There’s no such thing as your “one true love.” That is a myth that has been spread and kept alive by people who only ever have one or two special relationships in their lives and then go onto marry or have a family with someone they end up regretting being with. They then look back reminisce about “the one that got away” and focus on all the good things. I can tell you from experience, LOVE is abundant. When you are the type of guy who knows how to open women up to love (explained in Better Than a Bad Boy), you will always experience amazing, deep and true love.
2. Expand your social circle and meet new women. A great program for that is 21 Great Ways to Get a Girlfriend.
By the way…
Your reaction when she wanted to end it was correct. That’s the best reaction you can have because if you give a woman space like that without pleading, she will come back if she realizes her mistake. However, in this case, it sounds like she wants to be with her ex.
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.
Cheers
Dan
Couple of months ago had a heart break. Bought the flow and it help me out. Now I’m in a relationship with a new wonderful women. She does my dishes everytime she comes over. Cleans when I’m at work the whole nine yards. Sex is great and she wants it more then me. I haven’t looked back since. I’ve told a lot of people about the flow and this site. Keep up the great work.
Hey Dustin
Beautiful success story! Thanks for sharing.
That’s exactly the type of experience we want guys to have and that they WILL have if they invest in our advice. It’s just a matter of helping guys understand that this is an area of life that one CAN learn about. I look forward to the day when more guys are less skeptical about getting started.
Enjoy the great times ahead!
Cheers
Dan
Hi Dan,
Thank you so much. I have been in a very emotionally draining relationship with my fiancé. She was too controlling and I was not feeling the chemistry with her after realizing she is too controlling and I really could not confirm as to whether she is with me just to get married or if she really loved me. She has a kid and I treated the kid as my own. But she did not seem she would really sacrifice everything for me if I needed her support financially. I know that as a man I am the provider. But this case I just saw myself drowning in debt and it did not make sense. On the same token all she wanted to do as soon as she jets her new permanent job was to get a new car. But this is while I am trying to deal with the debt I am in. I paid for all her debts when we met and now she does not own anyone. But I was gong to appreciate to see that I have this new burden that is really stressing me and I was gong to appreciate it to see that she is willing to sacrifice so that we can recover from the financially stress I had. So I decided to call it quits.
As of today, I am officially single and I would really love to move my life towards a positive direction and be a better man. She is moving out she has finally given up on trying to save the relationship because the hardest thing was she thought she could fix things a
Nd after telling her I want to leave her then she overnight became the most perfect person I always wanted to her this was not so normal and I decided to be honest about how I feel.
I am already feeling free and there are girls I am already chatting to because I have moved on and they really make me deal with the pain of separating with my fiancé.
Please tell me if you have a book I can buy. I live in South Africa in Johannesburg 🙂
Thank you so much.
Kind regards,
Thapelo
Hi Thapelo
It sounds like you’ve made the right decision. However, to avoid that happening in future, you need to ensure that you get women to treat you right from the very beginning. I recommend that you read The Flow http://www.themodernman.com/videos/the-flow-new-edition.html and watch The Modern Relationship: http://store.themodernman.com/products/the_modern_relationship.html
Cheers
Dan