Do you often find yourself thinking, “If only” and dreaming about how things might have been if only you’d done things differently?
That’s called living a life of regret and is totally unnecessary. A life of regret is a life spent looking backwards; looking at what could have been rather enjoying what actually is and looking forward to what could still be for you.
You can live that way if you want, but guess what? It only leads to more regret.
The type of life that leads you to feelings of happiness, pride and fulfilment is a life spent rising through the levels of your life purpose as a man, while also being successful with women.
What is the Real Reason Why You’ve Been Failing With Women?
Many guys go through life never knowing what it really takes to be successful with women. Lacking the answers they seek, many guys begin to come up with excuses or reasons about why they’ve continued to fail with women.
Watch this video to understand the real reason why a lot of good men fail with women…
No More Repetitive, Unproductive “If Only” Moments
If you find that you’ve been wasting a lot of your lifetime thinking, “If only I did it that way…if only I said this or that” then you’re going around in circles and heading down a path that will lead to more regret.
You’ve got to start thinking, “Here’s what I’m going to do today” or “Here’s what I’m going to do the next time I have an opportunity like that” and then move forward in life. You’ve looked back already and now it’s time to move forward, not go around in circles.
Maybe you have made some bad choices in life, maybe you have made mistakes, but here’s the thing – you don’t have to carry the regret around with you for the rest of your days. Regrets are like excess baggage.
Every regret or “if only” is simply another item of excess baggage that you’re lugging along with you through your life. Excess baggage not only slows you down, it takes up loads of space and the only way to make more room in your life for today is to let go of yesterday.
When you lighten your load by accepting the mistakes you’ve made and then letting go, you become free to do the things you want to do, go where you want to go, and be who you want to be, today. The only thing standing between you and a life of no regrets is you.
Live for Today and the World Will Open Up to You
The key is to live proactively in the present. If you give yourself every opportunity to live the life you want, every single day, what is there to regret? Instead, you will move through each day with a feeling of purpose and gratitude, for you are always doing what you want, when you want.
Strangely, when you really do live for today and start opening up and following through on opportunities that come your way, the world seems to respond in step with you. It’s like the world has been waiting for you to wake up and live your life, you entire life.
For example: If you’re one of the many modern men who are having trouble finding yourself a woman or being unable to keep a relationship together, then start working on that area of your life. Don’t sit around thinking that you’ve stuffed it all up and can never improve your situation.
Appreciate Your Previous Experiences in Life
Try to remember the expression ‘nothing ventured nothing gained’ and then use it to change the way you think about the events of your past. When you do, you will realize that mistakes are nothing more than experiences and the only real mistake you could ever make is to not learn from those experiences and then move on.
Most people are too afraid of making a mistake, so they settle for mediocre lives and live with regret. However, successful people are not afraid to TRY even if they make mistakes on their way to the top.
Eventually they work it out and get there, but success is rarely a straight line to the finish. There are many obstacles along the way that build and strengthen your character and resolve. So, keep pushing through even if you make some mistakes along the way.
Think about it…
Every experience from your past has molded you into the person you are today so every experience you have today and, crucially, what you learn from it, will continue to influence who you are tomorrow.
Drawing a Line in the Sand
If you’re carrying excess baggage with you, it’s time to lighten your load. This means drawing a line in the sand and separating yourself from ‘regretful’ events in your past. By letting go of them, you leave yourself free to move forwards into today and tomorrow without them hanging around you.
Question 1: What do you regret right now?
Figure out exactly what your excess baggage is. What are your “if only’s” and what do you wish you’d done differently? For instance, how do you feel about your success with women so far in life?
Question 2: Can you make amends?
Sometimes you are holding regrets about how you treated another person. So, if any of your “if only’s” are regrets concerning other people, make amends by apologizing to them.
Apologizing lightens your load and allows you and the other person to make a fresh start, but it’s not always necessary to seek the forgiveness of others to be able to move on. In fact, sometimes dragging up old hurts from the past might do more harm than good.
In those cases, simply acknowledge your mistake, accept that you made the mistake, take responsibility for your part and then forgive yourself. Stop beating yourself up about past events that can‘t be changed. Learn from them and then just let them go.
Question 3: What can you still do about it?
If any of your “if only’s” are regrets over things you didn’t do, why not do them now? For example, if you regret not going on a training course that could have allowed you to make a career change, why not look into taking that course now?
That new career could still be yours. The opportunity you had to take the course first time around has gone but that doesn’t mean all opportunities are now gone. New opportunities are all around you if you make space for them. Dump the “if only’s” that are obscuring your vision and give yourself a much clearer view of what you can still do with your life.
Are You Ready to Let Go of Your Regrets and Make Something of Your Life?
If letting go of your regrets doesn’t feel right at the moment, try turning your focus away from those past events that you regret by focusing on the events you don’t regret. Microsoft founder Bill Gates dropped out of college but does he regret it?
Basketball legend Michael Jordan didn’t make his college team at one point because he didn’t play well enough, but did he sit around thinking “If only I’d made the team…then I would have a better chance of becoming an NBA superstar”?
No.
He learned from his experience and he moved on – big time.
Look back at the past events of your life in a new light. Turn your attention to the good decisions you’ve made and the positive actions you’ve taken. Not every choice you’ve ever made was a bad one and not everything you’ve ever done was a mistake.
Recognize your successes and realize that each new day brings with it new opportunities to succeed. Each new day represents another opportunity to live your life the way you want to live it so all you have to do is make room for the new opportunities that continue to come your way by letting go of the events of yesterday.
Look at it this way; Scientific research has found that our memories of past events change over time and often become exaggerated versions of actual happenings.
Chances are, the big ‘regret’ you’re lugging around with you is not actually such a big deal after all.
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us” Alexander Graham Bell
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I just wanted to say what a fantastic article this is. I’ve found it truly inspiring, affirming and motivational.
You are right that there’s no point dwelling on the past.
The question you asked – Do you have any regrets today – really struck a chord. Yes, I do. But why do I? It’s because of my own inaction. Tomorrow I will try better.
Thanks Dan.
Hi Dave
Thanks for your positive feedback mate. Much appreciated.
Yes, the past is important because it contains many lessons, but the now is where you live and the future is where you’re going. You have a new chance to make something happen every day.
Enjoy the great times ahead Dave!
Cheers
Dan
Thankyou for this i also find myself dwelling in the past because of the women i have regretted not speaking to from being shy and afraid, Hopefully this can turn me around
Hi Baron
Thanks for your positive feedback mate.
Yes, decide now to take SOME type of action towards approach women and your painful past will become a distant memory, replaced with your enjoyable present and exciting future ahead.
Here’s a free sample of our 30 Day Challenge: http://www.themodernman.com/free_sample_30daychallenge.html
Most guys report back having at least gotten sex or a girlfriend after using our techniques for speed dating, which is Challenge #3 in the 30 Day Challenge.
Cheers
Dan
Thanks for this article this really put me in a good mood because I realize I have done this too much. Even in my failures with women I still learned valuable lessons along the way. Yesterday I decided I was going to apply to Harvard for graduate school even though one of my professors said I wouldn’t get in, I’m still going to try. As Wayne Gretsky once said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”.
On a side note I am seriously considering purchasing one of your programs, which would you recommend for getting started? I appreciate your emails and advice more than some of the other “dating gurus” because it seems to me they’re really just marketing gurus looking for money.
Cheers,
Chris
Hi Chris
Thanks for your positive feedback mate. Much appreciated.
Before I recommend one of our programs for you, can you tell me what your main problem areas are with women? What are your top 3 frustrations?
Cheers
Dan
P.S. Good luck with the Harvard application.
My x-girl cheated on me and i made a big deal out of it and couldn’t forgive her. but when i did she dumped me. so i really regret the fact that i ddnt forgive her in time and i want her back but i dont know how. can u tell me plz?? i rly love her!
Hi Esrom
Thanks for your question.
So, you want a cheating woman back? Sounds to me like you’re desperate and are willing to accept bad treatment from a woman because you are afraid to meet and have sex with new women. However, if you want to be weak like that, it is totally up to you. I explain how to get an ex-girlfriend back here: http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/can-you-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html (make sure you read the comments and replies. I’ve given many solutions in my replies).
Cheers
Dan
my x girl, mistreated me a lot after having been in a relationship for six years. i supported her while in campus of which i had hopes that one day when she clears her education we will have a bright future, little did i know that after college she will become others. she used another man whom she thought was better than me, who used to send me messages on my phone that they have already agreed to marry each other and that i should keep off. the worst of all she got pregnant with the other guy. i kept off but she still follows me claiming that she still need me back. my question is that what do i do to get rid of her?
Hi Steve
Hmmm…it kind of sounds like you need to read this, but at the same time, it sounds like you might be the one who needs to move on first. You shouldn’t ever make your relationship with your girlfriend your purpose in life, because it will almost always backfire. Watch Better Than a Bad Boy and learn how to be the type of guy that women never, ever want to leave.
Cheers
Dan
Help me Please, Dan!
Just last night (Saturday), I was at a local marina bar, that had a band (very loud). Out of nowhere a hottie is standing eye-to-eye looking at me and asks “do you want to dance”, I say yes and we take to the dance floor. It was too loud to talk, we danced (4)songs in a row & we were holding each other very close a few times (these were all fast dance songs, rock-n-roll).
While we were dancing (2) dudes were getting closer to her & trying to talk as she was in my arms (I ignored them completely).
When there was a break in the action, another guy grabbed her, she danced a little with him, then walked away with him & her sister (who she was with). She never came close to me again until I saw her in the parking lot, she grabbed my arm & said “you are a great dancer”, I replied “give me your digits & we are definitely going to do it again”. We exchanged #’s, she kissed me on the lips, end of night.
Should I call her (when & what to say) or should I text her (what should I say)? I’m already regretting the fact that I could have kissed her while dancing, but I didn’t want to seem too aggressive (which woman have said “I was” in the past). What should my next step be?
Hi Jeff
Thanks for your question.
Lol, you’re basically asking me to tell you what we teach in Dating Power. I give a lot of free advice in these replies, but I can’t give you all those techniques. You need to watch Dating Power. It took us YEARS of testing and perfecting to master the techniques we teach in that program, which is why it ain’t free. We held seminars for YEARS before recording Dating Power and releasing it to the public, because we wanted the techniques to be perfect and work immediately for all types of guys. Listen to this to find out more: http://www.themodernman.com/the_truth_about_dating_power.html
However, I can give you something very cool for free. Watch the free preview of Dating Power (look out for the 3-Kiss Technique about half way through the vid). That’s how you could have kissed her after the dances.
Cheers
Dan
thanks for the article Dan. Over the past year I have been caught thinking about my past mistakes, and the relationships I may have missed out on. So youre article is exactly what I needed to move on. Thanks.
Hi Kieren
Thanks for your positive feedback.
Great to hear that I was able to help you through this phase of your life. Make sure you do the most important thing to move on from the past: Take steps towards the future you want. Don’t sit around thinking of what you could do…do it!
Cheers
Dan
Awesome article Dan. You hit the nail on the head that the only mistake is not to learn from our mistakes. I have certainly been guilty of letting my past hold back my future. My relationship with my ex suffered terribly because of my hangups from my previous marriage especially as I was going through the final stages of legal divorce when I met my ex. I projected my resentment and mistrust that I had for my ex wife onto my innocent girlfriend. Countless times my ex would tell me “I’m not your ex wife” when I would react angrily to benign situations, anticipating she betray me or be dishonest or treat me badly. My ex wife had betrayede in a horrible way and I had lost trust. I carried that and my unresolved anger into the new relationship and it was toxic and a factor in the breakup. I was determined to wear the pants and be the dominant one in the relationship so I wouldn’t get in the position of being taken for a ride again. Unfortunately instead of doing this is a positive, strong way; I came across as emotionally withdrawn and emotionally brutal in dealing with conflicts. This resulted in lots of tears for her dealing with me. Subconsciously I was taking out the resentment I had not been able to on my wife’s actions, and that I never had the opportunity to get even for her betrayal or even tell her off for what she had done wrong as she had lost respect for me long ago, and although a weak individual, had strength through her family influence and wealth and the fact children were involved. In fact the balance of power shifted after the first child. You are no longer the focus of their life and they don’t need you after you have given them their baby. Her withholding or disinterest in sex outside of purpose of having babies also imasculated me as all my efforts only resulted in loss of respect. I has no purpose in the relationship. My high salary was only a drop in the ocean to her trust account and there was no mortgage on the massive house and fancy cars we had been given. My role as the traditional breadwinner and man was absent. Money was not really important to me apart from a necessity to be able to do things, but you lose the power to just walk away unbridled when children are involved; for the sake of the children. From reading the flow I can see I did things the wrong way from the very start of the relationship and was soon emasculated, and should have gotten out a year into the marriage. But I don’t regret having beautiful children who love me.
Anyway my gf ended up breaking up with me due to my lack of commitment. I was terrified of making commitment and having the same sequence of events occur again to me.
In retrospect I realised all the mistakes I made and the resentment carried forward from my previous relationship and how they had limited the relationship and taken my hurt out on her. But by then it was too late to make amends. I apologised for my mistreatment and lack of commitment to her, but if was too late. I had lost the power in the relationship and was now chasing her. She had a new boyfriend.
Anyway we remain friends and I’m finally getting over her, but I realise how living in the past can screw up you future. My teachers are my kids – they always live in the moment to its fullest, with gay abandon. When I am with them, they don’t worry about tomorrow or what happened yesterday. They are only interested in the now.
I wish I had found your advice earlier, like 10 years earlier or even 7! I should have realised we were incompatible much earlier on and ended it. Sexual compatibility (her lack of initiating it, ever in the marriage; and my resultant pestering) alone should have led me to that early conclusion. Social incompatibility was another reason alone. Ironically, she left me despite me putting up with all her foibles for so long. I guess I was old fashion when I think marriage is a lifelong commitment. Friends can only give advice so much. They often make the same mistakes I did and most women wear the pants in my friends relationships, either overtly or subversively. But like you said, our rejections, negative experiences and overcoming them are what distinguish people like Jordan and Bill Gates from those who didn’t believe in themselves and get back in the ring.
One of your first girlfriends cheated on you, and as a result indirectly helped you develop the flow and the life you have today, instead of bitter and twisted towards future relationships. How did you learn to trust again, and can you really ever always be in control in a relationship? Surely there will be a time if you get married and have kids that she could screw you over again due to a shift in the balance of power, especially when kids are involved? What if you became disabled from a car accident – would she stick around, wipe your arse etc, like your parents probably would for you? Or is it all about selecting the right one to begin with?
Hey Brian
Thanks for your positive feedback.
What happened with your new girlfriend after your divorce is one of the reasons why the failure rate of rebound relationships is so high. People bring their issues and insecurities into the new relationship and end up screwing it up.
About your questions:
– You can never really trust any woman in a relationship, just like a woman can never really trust any man. However, you just have to for the sake of the relationship. Not giving her your trust will eat away at the core of the relationship. Trust is absolutely essential.
– Who knows what will happen in my future. All I know is: I’ve slept with 250+ women and am now in a wonderful, deeply loving and passionate relationship with a beautiful woman who adores me. With my relationship skills (which I teach in Better Than a Bad Boy http://store.themodernman.com/in/2cf8a89 and The Modern Relationship http://store.themodernman.com/in/18c787c), I am guiding both her and I into deeper feelings of love, respect and attraction for each other. It’s a nice place to be in.
– Yes, you do need to select the right woman. Most guys just rely on getting lucky and end up getting unlucky. Check these two articles out:
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/how-to-get-lucky-with-women.html
http://www.themodernman.com/dating/relationships/choosing-a-sexually-satisfying-woman.html
Cheers
Dan
Thanks for your feedback Dan. I certainly don’t want to bring the past into my next relationship unless it is to learn from past mistakes. I will keep on working on my skills and learn from your approach.
I am a bit confused on how you say can never really trust any woman in a relationship yet you have to for the sake of the relationship. How is this dichotomy possible – do you mean to say trust her 95-99%; or just enough to keep her happy, whilst keeping yourself in the dominant position of the relationship?
Cheers
Hey Brian
You’re welcome mate.
About your additional question on the trust issue: I recommend that you watch Better Than a Bad Boy. It’s way too complicated to be explaining or teaching in comments. The program is 10 hours and 50 minutes for a reason. That reason being, there is a LOT for you and other guys like you to learn. If I answer that question for you, there will another two or three behind it from you or someone else! 🙂 If you need to learn, please do.
Here’s the link: http://store.themodernman.com/in/2cf8a89
Cheers
Dan
Great Write up mate!
Thanks!
Really good article and just what I needed pointing out to me at this particular point in my life.
Thanks
Hey Sean
Thanks for the positive feedback.
Glad to be able to help you out at this time in your life.
Cheers
Dan
Dan,
What are your views on suicide?
I don’t know if this is over sharing but I would like somewhat of a detailed reply so probably best to add some details.
My father committed suicide in 2008 when he was 28 years old. Part of the reason he did this was because he lost his business in the recession and didn’t feel like the man of the house anymore he was unemployed for about 6 months before. I don’t really know where I’m going with this but I guess why is being a man so confusing? Or so fraught with ego? Why don’t we just know how to be men? I mean I’ve looked at suicide statistics and its well known more men commit suicide than women. It appears its far clearer on what a woman should be.
I hate my father for doing what he did and reading some of your articles brings the point home that it was completely unnecessary.
I don’t know if you feel comfortable giving a reply but you seem to know a lot about life.
Thanks Dan your information it is wonderful it gives guys the keys to freedom to live good healthy balanced lives and avoid mistakes like my fathers.
Hey Brandon
Thanks for your question.
My views on suicide are that pretty much everyone considers it at some point in their life. It’s completely normal. Yes, even I considered it back when I was hopeless with women.
I like the point you’ve made about a woman’s identity and purpose in life being much clearer. If a woman isn’t successful in her career, she can easily give in to their maternal instincts and fall in love with being a mother. The world will then congratulate her for it. It’s a lot easier for women to give up and cry, rather than become stronger and push forward to success any area in life.
As for men, we are expected to be strong. It’s part of the human dynamic. Read: http://www.themodernman.com/blog/do-men-need-toughening-up.html
It would have been nice for your father to know that he wasn’t a failure and that there is always a way to get back on your feet. I feel sorry for him though because he probably put so much effort into doing whatever he could do succeed for his family, but it didn’t work out in the end.
All men need to have good, masculine friends in their life that they can talk to. That’s one thing I lacked when I had problems with women. When I was struggling with women and lacked a lot of confidence in myself, all I had was one negative friend who complained about life all the time and made excuses for his lack of success. Whereas now, all of my closest male friends are alpha males who don’t make or accept BS excuses. If one of my friends is having a rare “pity me” moment, I am there for him, but I firmly remind him to stop being such a girl, which then lightens up the mood and reminds him what it means to be a man.
If you have friends in your life who aren’t masculine and real with you at all times, either help them to become that way or find new friends who are that way. I don’t give any time to friends who are excuse makers. They only get to see me at parties where mutual friends attend. The friends who get to spend time with me are those who encourage me to be even better than I already am, just as I do for them.
Glad to have you around the site Brandon and I look forward to helping you succeed with women.
Cheers
Dan
Dan,
Dan this may be a nosey question, but did you ever try to get back with the woman that made you start this? Or did you have such a different perspective on things that you wanted better and different women and never bothered going back to travel the road not taken as such?
I ask because I am wondering should I go back and try with the woman that broke up with me ultimately leading me here. Is where your’re at now worth all the effort and did it release you from any doubt from past regrets?
I’ll learn and be whatever it takes to be good with women as you describe it.
My career as lawyer is on track; It’s just women!
Joe
Hey Joe
No problem – it’s not nosey. I don’t think there would be a question I wouldn’t ever answer. I’ve got nothing to hide. The more I share with guys, the better off they are.
The answer: It was many years later that I found her on Facebook. She wouldn’t add me, so I added her sister and asked her sister for her e-mail. I then sent her an e-mail apologizing for the guy I had become in our relationship. When she had broken up with me, I got very pissed off with her and called her every name under the sun. So, in the e-mail, I let her know that I had long accepted the break up and was sorry about being such an ass about it. She accepted the apology and we kept the communication friendly and exchanged a couple of additional e-mails.
Why did I not proceed to get her back? One main reason: She was no longer attractive to me. To put it bluntly, she is now overweight…big time. When I contacted her, I was in a relationship with a 20 year old stripper with a killer body. Now, at 36, I have a 22 year old girlfriend who ticks all the boxes I could ever want in a woman. This October, her and I will have been together for two years. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life and I don’t ever plan on breaking it up.
As for you: Just know that the more confident and masculine you become as a man and the more you understand what women really want, the easier it is to attract higher quality women. When you can back that up with mastery level skills (e.g. conversation, flirting, escalation), it’s a truly amazing experience. Choice with beautiful, high quality women is an amazing reward, but it’s not just that. The benefits spill over into your career, friendships and relationships with family.
Keep pushing forward Joe. It only gets better from where you are now.
Cheers
Dan
Dan,
Cheers Dan. That sounds like an awesome place to be (with a hot 22 year old). I just have made mistakes by looking at facebook and seeing what my ex is doing (well she wasn’t really my ex because we weren’t even official). It resets the mind and has put me back in a negative place. I don’t want revenge on the girl, just for her to say “whoa i never knew he could be like this” i want her to think like that some day. I want my respect back. She was about a six out of ten and had a great personality. Its just seeing a good looking woman stops me in my tracks and being with one will allow me to leave my ex far behind. It’s been too long hanging on to painful memories of nothing that’s worth thinking about really. But thanks Dan, knowing what I have learned from the modern man I’m going to get myself an absolute stunner the right way.
Best regards,
Joe
Hey Joe
Great to hear about your transition in mindset from weakness to strength. It sounds like your eyes are now open to the fact that you can have a hottie if you want to.
Steps from here:
1. Approach women using our techniques.
2. Get results and the confidence that comes along with that.
3. Keep doing do it until you are at the mastery level and have your choice with women: http://www.themodernman.com/videos/what-is-your-skill-level-with-women.html
Waiting to hear about your success…
Cheers
Dan